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Why I have been upset for the past 2 months
11 years ago
General
So as of recently I've been very stressed, worried, anxious, and upset because of the fact that I'm going through A LOT. I've already had 2 breakdowns before college where I cried in front of a friend on Skype and then another where I cried in front of my mom. And I've already had two breakdowns in college where I cried by myself and then cried in front of another friend on Skype. So I'm going to explain what's been up piece by piece.
One main reason why I've been upset is because I've just gone to college as of around 3 weeks ago. Now if you read my journal a month or so back you would understand why I don't feel happy here. To give a summery of what happened, around a month ago I had a few breakdowns because of my decision to come here. I tried to change my situation but none of my solutions could work, mostly because of the fact that I just didn't have enough time to do so. I've been despising coming here for a lot of reasons. To be brief, I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm EVEN farther away from my good friends, WHO LIVE AT LEAST 7+ HOURS AWAY FROM ME ANYWAY, there's absolutely NOTHING to do here unless you like outdoors-y things (which I don't, I'm very much a city person), and on top of that, and the most important reason, I don't feel RIGHT here and I don't feel like I BELONG here. Like I said, I am VERY much a city person and I love being around many places and mass amounts of people, it's just who I am as a person. Up here, you can BARELY explore the area (which I've already seen because there's so little of it), it's harder to LEAVE the state because it's now FARTHER away, which also makes it even more expensive to do things, and up here I just don't feel good about myself because I know I could be somewhere better and could be enjoying my life MUCH more than I am now.
Now the reason why I ended up here in the first place is because of the fact that when I was looking at schools last year, I was at the lowest point in my life and I didn't have ANY sort of motivation, effort, or care for what I was doing with my life. I didn't even want to live at the time so I didn't care about my future. Also, I had never really discovered myself as I did this year and over the summer. I learned that I love traveling, I love going places and seeing new things, I love city life, and most importantly I HATE MY STATE.
I learned that I love being in places like New York. That's why I went 4 times there this summer. Even though I already had known the fact even as a kid (because I was born there and moved up to Maine and missed it ever since) but also I just REALLY LEARNED that I missed it this summer.
So basically, ONE reason why I'm upset is because I now know what I want to do and where I want to go and I hate the fact that I'm stuck here because I had made this decision a year ago when I was deeply depressed. My plan is to however, go to a college in Boston next year and transfer the HELL OUT OF HERE because I'm already losing my mind.
But that's not it, that's just one reason. I have a few more. One point to be brought up is from what I said earlier. I'm lonely. I'm very very lonely. Even if I lived back at home I still get lonely. I barely have any friends in this state, barely any. ALL OF MY GOOD FRIENDS LIVE MANY MANY STATES AWAY. SOME EVEN LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND CONTINENTS! And now i'm EVEN FARTHER away from these people because I moved 2 hours up into the middle of NOWHERE (which I explained earlier). My friends mean the WORLD to me and they're the ones who keep me happy. I try to talk to them on Skype everyday as much as I can and there's the fact that I meet so many people through the internet that just live hours and hours away. I can never hang out with any of these people because of the distance I have between them. I've always had issues with distance and no physical contact with people, it tortures me horribly. And I get awfully upset because of the fact that I can never see them.
This leads me to bring up even another point, I NEED physical contact to live. I literally cannot function properly as a human when I don't talk to anyone to talk to. I've dealt with loneliness for a HUGE part of my life and I hate how it's happening now. As a kid, I grew up with essentially no friends and no one to tell my feelings to. And I was upset most of my childhood years...
I need to bring this up at some point because it ties in to all of this. Growing up, my father was very verbally and physically abusive. I was always afraid of him and always kept things to myself whenever I had to say something. I became quiet and accepted getting hurt from him. These traits carried on to myself for when it came to school and other things. I would always hide and bottle my emotions and feelings, never say anything, and I never could be happy. So I never knew how to make friends, which lead me to have no friends, and no one to talk to. I had been the quiet person who everyone thought was weird but deep inside I was just extremely upset about my life.
It really wasn't until this year until I became ACTUALLY able to express my emotions and feelings to people without having to be afraid. I learned how to finally do this and it made me more confident as a person to be able to do so.
So how this ties in. All of this ties in, and another reason why I'm upset is because I can't sit down and PHYSICALLY talk to my good friends about this. I know I can Skype and TRUST ME I'VE ALREADY DONE IT. But my point being is that... I need physical support... I need a hug :/ That's all I want. A hug. I want someone to be here for me to say that everything is going to be okay and to not worry and then give me a nice big hug. And I can't even get that.
ALSO SOME MORE. What I don't enjoy already here, is that I'm being bullied. This point is a bit minor but should be brought up. My roommate tends to never be here in the dorm and tends to socialize A LOT. I just found out the other day that he was in a frat and does a lot of partying. So he know a lot of people and has a TON of friends, the exact opposite of me. Here's the thing, he talks about me a LOT, and even told me so that he did, and all of his immature friends have been writing rude comments on our white board outside on our door (which is my roommates). Saying things like "Tyler, anal?? Yes or no?" and stuff like writing "I love you Tyler" and then having them cross out my name and write my roommates name instead. NOTHING TOO MAJOR. But I'm bothered because I was picked on and bullied from 6th to 12th grade and I purposefully tried to make college a NEW START, but no. Some of these people are just bothering me is all :/
AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, I've been going through something that I can't really get too much into detail - (Ask me personally and I can tell you about it) but it's been upsetting me :/
So IN CONCLUSION, I don't feel happy about what I'm doing with my life now. I'm bothered by a lot of things, I miss a LOT of people, and I just want a hug :/
I've been trying to make friends, I really have been. But I haven't had any success. Because of the fact that I've been so upset and worried and stressed, I've been more introverted than extroverted because I don't want to show my sad emotions to people (I grew up like this, it's how I work). Like I said, I have made attempts to make friends, but so far no :/
There's just so much on my mind and I don't have anything to keep me happy really so I'm just getting upset :c
There's much more that I want to say, but these are the key points.
Thank you for listening though ~ Tyler
One main reason why I've been upset is because I've just gone to college as of around 3 weeks ago. Now if you read my journal a month or so back you would understand why I don't feel happy here. To give a summery of what happened, around a month ago I had a few breakdowns because of my decision to come here. I tried to change my situation but none of my solutions could work, mostly because of the fact that I just didn't have enough time to do so. I've been despising coming here for a lot of reasons. To be brief, I'm in the middle of nowhere, I'm EVEN farther away from my good friends, WHO LIVE AT LEAST 7+ HOURS AWAY FROM ME ANYWAY, there's absolutely NOTHING to do here unless you like outdoors-y things (which I don't, I'm very much a city person), and on top of that, and the most important reason, I don't feel RIGHT here and I don't feel like I BELONG here. Like I said, I am VERY much a city person and I love being around many places and mass amounts of people, it's just who I am as a person. Up here, you can BARELY explore the area (which I've already seen because there's so little of it), it's harder to LEAVE the state because it's now FARTHER away, which also makes it even more expensive to do things, and up here I just don't feel good about myself because I know I could be somewhere better and could be enjoying my life MUCH more than I am now.
Now the reason why I ended up here in the first place is because of the fact that when I was looking at schools last year, I was at the lowest point in my life and I didn't have ANY sort of motivation, effort, or care for what I was doing with my life. I didn't even want to live at the time so I didn't care about my future. Also, I had never really discovered myself as I did this year and over the summer. I learned that I love traveling, I love going places and seeing new things, I love city life, and most importantly I HATE MY STATE.
I learned that I love being in places like New York. That's why I went 4 times there this summer. Even though I already had known the fact even as a kid (because I was born there and moved up to Maine and missed it ever since) but also I just REALLY LEARNED that I missed it this summer.
So basically, ONE reason why I'm upset is because I now know what I want to do and where I want to go and I hate the fact that I'm stuck here because I had made this decision a year ago when I was deeply depressed. My plan is to however, go to a college in Boston next year and transfer the HELL OUT OF HERE because I'm already losing my mind.
But that's not it, that's just one reason. I have a few more. One point to be brought up is from what I said earlier. I'm lonely. I'm very very lonely. Even if I lived back at home I still get lonely. I barely have any friends in this state, barely any. ALL OF MY GOOD FRIENDS LIVE MANY MANY STATES AWAY. SOME EVEN LIVE IN DIFFERENT COUNTRIES AND CONTINENTS! And now i'm EVEN FARTHER away from these people because I moved 2 hours up into the middle of NOWHERE (which I explained earlier). My friends mean the WORLD to me and they're the ones who keep me happy. I try to talk to them on Skype everyday as much as I can and there's the fact that I meet so many people through the internet that just live hours and hours away. I can never hang out with any of these people because of the distance I have between them. I've always had issues with distance and no physical contact with people, it tortures me horribly. And I get awfully upset because of the fact that I can never see them.
This leads me to bring up even another point, I NEED physical contact to live. I literally cannot function properly as a human when I don't talk to anyone to talk to. I've dealt with loneliness for a HUGE part of my life and I hate how it's happening now. As a kid, I grew up with essentially no friends and no one to tell my feelings to. And I was upset most of my childhood years...
I need to bring this up at some point because it ties in to all of this. Growing up, my father was very verbally and physically abusive. I was always afraid of him and always kept things to myself whenever I had to say something. I became quiet and accepted getting hurt from him. These traits carried on to myself for when it came to school and other things. I would always hide and bottle my emotions and feelings, never say anything, and I never could be happy. So I never knew how to make friends, which lead me to have no friends, and no one to talk to. I had been the quiet person who everyone thought was weird but deep inside I was just extremely upset about my life.
It really wasn't until this year until I became ACTUALLY able to express my emotions and feelings to people without having to be afraid. I learned how to finally do this and it made me more confident as a person to be able to do so.
So how this ties in. All of this ties in, and another reason why I'm upset is because I can't sit down and PHYSICALLY talk to my good friends about this. I know I can Skype and TRUST ME I'VE ALREADY DONE IT. But my point being is that... I need physical support... I need a hug :/ That's all I want. A hug. I want someone to be here for me to say that everything is going to be okay and to not worry and then give me a nice big hug. And I can't even get that.
ALSO SOME MORE. What I don't enjoy already here, is that I'm being bullied. This point is a bit minor but should be brought up. My roommate tends to never be here in the dorm and tends to socialize A LOT. I just found out the other day that he was in a frat and does a lot of partying. So he know a lot of people and has a TON of friends, the exact opposite of me. Here's the thing, he talks about me a LOT, and even told me so that he did, and all of his immature friends have been writing rude comments on our white board outside on our door (which is my roommates). Saying things like "Tyler, anal?? Yes or no?" and stuff like writing "I love you Tyler" and then having them cross out my name and write my roommates name instead. NOTHING TOO MAJOR. But I'm bothered because I was picked on and bullied from 6th to 12th grade and I purposefully tried to make college a NEW START, but no. Some of these people are just bothering me is all :/
AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THIS, I've been going through something that I can't really get too much into detail - (Ask me personally and I can tell you about it) but it's been upsetting me :/
So IN CONCLUSION, I don't feel happy about what I'm doing with my life now. I'm bothered by a lot of things, I miss a LOT of people, and I just want a hug :/
I've been trying to make friends, I really have been. But I haven't had any success. Because of the fact that I've been so upset and worried and stressed, I've been more introverted than extroverted because I don't want to show my sad emotions to people (I grew up like this, it's how I work). Like I said, I have made attempts to make friends, but so far no :/
There's just so much on my mind and I don't have anything to keep me happy really so I'm just getting upset :c
There's much more that I want to say, but these are the key points.
Thank you for listening though ~ Tyler
Poke me on skype whenever hun. This bun is here for you c:
I want to hug you still. DX