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What's Been Killing Me
10 years ago
I've been going through a very tough time in my life for a long while now and for those who don't know, it's a very long fucking story. Today I'm going to tell you what I've been involved with for almost a year now.
It starts back at Anthrocon of last year, July 2014. At Anthrocon I had met someone who I found pretty interesting, we hung out a bit and talked and became friends. He was Norwegian, good looking, and had an interesting personality. I remember when I first saw them, I knew there was something about that person that made me very intrigued. We had talked every single day, all day, after Anthrocon and then about two weeks later, we decided to hang out in New York City. I was surprised to say the least. We stayed at an extremely fancy hotel that was about $500 a night, which I didn't pay for at all. He treated me so properly and he seemed to care so much about me. He payed for all of my meals, he showed me around to more places in New York that even I hadn't seen before. What surprised me the most is when he kissed me though. Never in my life, and still to this day has anyone initiated a kiss on -me-. It's always been the other way around. That honestly shocked me. Not only that but originally I was only supposed to stay two days but he convinced me to take off more work time and to stay longer. And honestly, and unfortunately, it was my favorite thing I did all of last year. But whatever. Moving forward.
After that trip, we still talked nonstop. I would talk to him every single moment of the day and enjoyed every second of it. From when I woke up to when I went to sleep, he was on my mind. Even when I would sleep in late or something, he would ask where I'd gone. My heart was starting to feel something for him.
As the months went on we still were talking nonstop and my heart was feeling stronger and stronger for him. I would help him anytime he needed it and he helped me whenever I needed it. We cared about each other. Even when his birthday came up, I went out of my way to spend money that I didn't have on a $175 commission for him. He brought up the idea of Midwest Furfest around late October/early November. I got excited nonetheless. The thought of being able to spend time with him again was making me fluster. I didn't have the money for this trip but I would have done anything to be with him again.
However, things started seeming a bit strange around mid November. The original plan for MFF was just for him and I to room together alone. He invited two others into the room. One of them I had looked up and found out that he was pretty promiscuous, but the other person he wouldn't tell me about. I ended up finding out their Twitter and he kept on trying to hide it. He unfollowed the guy and refused to tell me who he was. I was a little suspicious and was starting to get worried. I told myself nothing bad was going to happen.
MFF came along, and I was so excited to be with him again. It was the best feeling in my entire life to be with him once again after months of waiting. Overall, the convention was fun. I was nervous that he was up to something, but I wasn't too sure. I had a lot of fun. When I had to go home, at the airport, I cried because I was gonna miss him. I felt my true feelings for him at that very moment. I knew I loved him.
After MFF I got sick for about 8 days because I drank too much, didn't sleep enough, was super energetic all the time, and didn't eat too much at the convention. I actually had to go to my college's hospital because I felt sick. I lost 5 pounds in that weekend. Now I didn't weigh much to begin with. I was 115 pounds and I dropped down to 110 in about a week.
But everything seemed to change after a week of me being sick.
I got home after college after taking my finals and on December 18th we had a Skype call and I had told him that I never had to worry about him ever again (because of the worrying from MFF) and that I loved him. I had never felt these feelings for anyone before in my entire life.
The next few things he said shocked me. After me really opening up to me, he opened up to me in a very different way. He told me everything he did at MFF. He had slept with both my roommates, at the same time, while I was outside the door, and that he slept with a bunch of other people at a couple parties. I was just... Shocked. He told me he had to go. I said okay and then started crying.
My felt my heart sink and started crying for many days straight. Later I even found that the roommates I had at MFF took pictures of the things they did together and they put it on their twitters. That just killed me seeing that :/
A week after the 18th, on the 25th, Christmas. I weighed 103 pounds. I had lost 12 pounds in about two weeks. My heart and body was aching.
I tried to tell him that I was upset but he had a friend over from Barcelona. I was suspicious about this guy as well, he was staying over for 3 weeks for around Christmas to mid January. Soon enough I found pictures of them doing things together.
But what really shocked me though was that the guy from Barcelona actually reached out to me. We started talking and apparently things were getting really intense with him. He told me that he was being abused by him sexually and emotionally, the guy made him cry and just felt very uncomfortable there and wanted to go home early. He told me to talk to the guy for him telling the guy to not to speak him, and that he felt upset, uncomfortable and wanted to leave because he wasn't feeling safe. I was shocked.
I told him everything he told me to do but man was I enraged at this point. Not only was I extremely upset but I had never been so angry at someone. First they lied to me and then went on and abused someone else and made them upset too? Fuck.
After the guy from Barcelona left, the guy who I was upset about and I talked about it. We fought and fought and essentially what he told me was that he didn't care about what was going on. We decided not to talk for 3 weeks.
In those weeks I felt still really upset and also angry as hell. I dropped out of school for the semester. I was starting to try drinking and smoking my problems away. I had cut myself. I had attempted suicide. I went to the doctors and I had my blood taken to be treated for anorexia. I picked up anti-depressants. My sex drive was gone. I was crying for 3 weeks straight every single day. My heart was broken.
After 3 weeks we had talked again, we just kept on fighting. But he opened up to me a bit more this last time. He had told me pretty much that he only was interested in me for sex, that he never really cared about me or the guy from Barcelona at all, he didn't care about what I had to say, didn't regret anything, and told me to fuck off. So essentially he was manipulating not just me, but many others for his gains. I blocked him.
Never in my life had I felt that meaningless and worthless. I was being abused by someone. I got a real hint at reality after that. He wasn't a nice guy after all.
Around early February when this all happened, I just felt so meaningless and didn't know what to do with myself. Since I was being abused, I felt like I didn't know how to feel about everything. I knew that I couldn't talk to him and I still was crying and yet furious. It was a confusing ms upsetting month.
I turned to doing more drinking and smoking and harder drugs as the months went on. I was involved with cocaine.
As the months went on. I became less careful. I traveled, drank, did drugs. I did anything to escape my thoughts. The reason was because I was still thinking about what had happened. I still thought about it every single day. My heart was broken, I was still in pain, and I felt so shitty in general.
I've been seeing a therapist, taking my anti-depressants and vitamins, been gaining weight, and have been trying to get better since then. I'm up to 125 pounds now but that's all I can say on what's improved.
Unfortunately, I still think about what happened even six months later every single day. Not only has my heart not healed but I am also still very depressed and suicidal. I've realized that the pain that this guy made me go through was as damaging as my dad did to me as a kid. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by my dad as a kid and will never forget the pain that he had put me through. And I feel like I felt the same things I did as a kid as I do now.
There was never any closure with what happened, and I don't even know if it would have helped but I don't know what would help me in any way. I've learned that I was the better person compared to him and didn't deserve anything that he did to me. I learned that it's not my fault. I learned that I don't deserve a shitty person like that in my life. And I've learned that I'm a good person. And I learned all of that from the real friends that care about me.
But at the same time, I always feel upset. I still cry over what happened. I feel like a weak, stupid person for still being upset over something that was 6 months ago. But I've been worrying. He's going to be at this next Anthrocon and I don't know how I'm going to react when I see him again.
I've been worried about him hurting some of my friends at the convention. I've learned what a shitty person he is. To name a few things: He likes to get people drunk and then abuse them and sexually exploit them to his advantage. He only talks to either cute boys or artists to either get sex from the cute boys or to get art from the artists (or sex from the artists to get more art). He won't talk to you unless you're one of those. His ego is extremely self centered and and bloated. He even got a commission of him as a god, like bitch really? He thinks he's royalty just because he has like 4000 followers on FA. But out of all of this, I don't want to see him hurt any of my friends with his appetite for destruction.
So I've been worried that I am going to relapse all of these emotions again at the convention and not have a good time. I have never hated someone in my life as much as I do now for him.
The question is, why do I care still? And I cannot give you a good reason for that. He put me through a lot of firsts in my life. I had never been abused and manipulated by someone. I had never fallen in love with someone before, I have never truly hated someone before. I have never been so upset in my life where I thought that cocaine was a good idea. I just wanna smack him. Maybe then I would feel better.
That's where I am in my life. I'm sorry I had to tell you all of this. But I've had enough of being upset. I'm sorry if this is a mess. Please feel free to talk to me if you have questions. And you all know who it is, just look at my submissions, you'll find him. Yeah, him, he's unfortunately the thing that's killing me.
It starts back at Anthrocon of last year, July 2014. At Anthrocon I had met someone who I found pretty interesting, we hung out a bit and talked and became friends. He was Norwegian, good looking, and had an interesting personality. I remember when I first saw them, I knew there was something about that person that made me very intrigued. We had talked every single day, all day, after Anthrocon and then about two weeks later, we decided to hang out in New York City. I was surprised to say the least. We stayed at an extremely fancy hotel that was about $500 a night, which I didn't pay for at all. He treated me so properly and he seemed to care so much about me. He payed for all of my meals, he showed me around to more places in New York that even I hadn't seen before. What surprised me the most is when he kissed me though. Never in my life, and still to this day has anyone initiated a kiss on -me-. It's always been the other way around. That honestly shocked me. Not only that but originally I was only supposed to stay two days but he convinced me to take off more work time and to stay longer. And honestly, and unfortunately, it was my favorite thing I did all of last year. But whatever. Moving forward.
After that trip, we still talked nonstop. I would talk to him every single moment of the day and enjoyed every second of it. From when I woke up to when I went to sleep, he was on my mind. Even when I would sleep in late or something, he would ask where I'd gone. My heart was starting to feel something for him.
As the months went on we still were talking nonstop and my heart was feeling stronger and stronger for him. I would help him anytime he needed it and he helped me whenever I needed it. We cared about each other. Even when his birthday came up, I went out of my way to spend money that I didn't have on a $175 commission for him. He brought up the idea of Midwest Furfest around late October/early November. I got excited nonetheless. The thought of being able to spend time with him again was making me fluster. I didn't have the money for this trip but I would have done anything to be with him again.
However, things started seeming a bit strange around mid November. The original plan for MFF was just for him and I to room together alone. He invited two others into the room. One of them I had looked up and found out that he was pretty promiscuous, but the other person he wouldn't tell me about. I ended up finding out their Twitter and he kept on trying to hide it. He unfollowed the guy and refused to tell me who he was. I was a little suspicious and was starting to get worried. I told myself nothing bad was going to happen.
MFF came along, and I was so excited to be with him again. It was the best feeling in my entire life to be with him once again after months of waiting. Overall, the convention was fun. I was nervous that he was up to something, but I wasn't too sure. I had a lot of fun. When I had to go home, at the airport, I cried because I was gonna miss him. I felt my true feelings for him at that very moment. I knew I loved him.
After MFF I got sick for about 8 days because I drank too much, didn't sleep enough, was super energetic all the time, and didn't eat too much at the convention. I actually had to go to my college's hospital because I felt sick. I lost 5 pounds in that weekend. Now I didn't weigh much to begin with. I was 115 pounds and I dropped down to 110 in about a week.
But everything seemed to change after a week of me being sick.
I got home after college after taking my finals and on December 18th we had a Skype call and I had told him that I never had to worry about him ever again (because of the worrying from MFF) and that I loved him. I had never felt these feelings for anyone before in my entire life.
The next few things he said shocked me. After me really opening up to me, he opened up to me in a very different way. He told me everything he did at MFF. He had slept with both my roommates, at the same time, while I was outside the door, and that he slept with a bunch of other people at a couple parties. I was just... Shocked. He told me he had to go. I said okay and then started crying.
My felt my heart sink and started crying for many days straight. Later I even found that the roommates I had at MFF took pictures of the things they did together and they put it on their twitters. That just killed me seeing that :/
A week after the 18th, on the 25th, Christmas. I weighed 103 pounds. I had lost 12 pounds in about two weeks. My heart and body was aching.
I tried to tell him that I was upset but he had a friend over from Barcelona. I was suspicious about this guy as well, he was staying over for 3 weeks for around Christmas to mid January. Soon enough I found pictures of them doing things together.
But what really shocked me though was that the guy from Barcelona actually reached out to me. We started talking and apparently things were getting really intense with him. He told me that he was being abused by him sexually and emotionally, the guy made him cry and just felt very uncomfortable there and wanted to go home early. He told me to talk to the guy for him telling the guy to not to speak him, and that he felt upset, uncomfortable and wanted to leave because he wasn't feeling safe. I was shocked.
I told him everything he told me to do but man was I enraged at this point. Not only was I extremely upset but I had never been so angry at someone. First they lied to me and then went on and abused someone else and made them upset too? Fuck.
After the guy from Barcelona left, the guy who I was upset about and I talked about it. We fought and fought and essentially what he told me was that he didn't care about what was going on. We decided not to talk for 3 weeks.
In those weeks I felt still really upset and also angry as hell. I dropped out of school for the semester. I was starting to try drinking and smoking my problems away. I had cut myself. I had attempted suicide. I went to the doctors and I had my blood taken to be treated for anorexia. I picked up anti-depressants. My sex drive was gone. I was crying for 3 weeks straight every single day. My heart was broken.
After 3 weeks we had talked again, we just kept on fighting. But he opened up to me a bit more this last time. He had told me pretty much that he only was interested in me for sex, that he never really cared about me or the guy from Barcelona at all, he didn't care about what I had to say, didn't regret anything, and told me to fuck off. So essentially he was manipulating not just me, but many others for his gains. I blocked him.
Never in my life had I felt that meaningless and worthless. I was being abused by someone. I got a real hint at reality after that. He wasn't a nice guy after all.
Around early February when this all happened, I just felt so meaningless and didn't know what to do with myself. Since I was being abused, I felt like I didn't know how to feel about everything. I knew that I couldn't talk to him and I still was crying and yet furious. It was a confusing ms upsetting month.
I turned to doing more drinking and smoking and harder drugs as the months went on. I was involved with cocaine.
As the months went on. I became less careful. I traveled, drank, did drugs. I did anything to escape my thoughts. The reason was because I was still thinking about what had happened. I still thought about it every single day. My heart was broken, I was still in pain, and I felt so shitty in general.
I've been seeing a therapist, taking my anti-depressants and vitamins, been gaining weight, and have been trying to get better since then. I'm up to 125 pounds now but that's all I can say on what's improved.
Unfortunately, I still think about what happened even six months later every single day. Not only has my heart not healed but I am also still very depressed and suicidal. I've realized that the pain that this guy made me go through was as damaging as my dad did to me as a kid. I was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by my dad as a kid and will never forget the pain that he had put me through. And I feel like I felt the same things I did as a kid as I do now.
There was never any closure with what happened, and I don't even know if it would have helped but I don't know what would help me in any way. I've learned that I was the better person compared to him and didn't deserve anything that he did to me. I learned that it's not my fault. I learned that I don't deserve a shitty person like that in my life. And I've learned that I'm a good person. And I learned all of that from the real friends that care about me.
But at the same time, I always feel upset. I still cry over what happened. I feel like a weak, stupid person for still being upset over something that was 6 months ago. But I've been worrying. He's going to be at this next Anthrocon and I don't know how I'm going to react when I see him again.
I've been worried about him hurting some of my friends at the convention. I've learned what a shitty person he is. To name a few things: He likes to get people drunk and then abuse them and sexually exploit them to his advantage. He only talks to either cute boys or artists to either get sex from the cute boys or to get art from the artists (or sex from the artists to get more art). He won't talk to you unless you're one of those. His ego is extremely self centered and and bloated. He even got a commission of him as a god, like bitch really? He thinks he's royalty just because he has like 4000 followers on FA. But out of all of this, I don't want to see him hurt any of my friends with his appetite for destruction.
So I've been worried that I am going to relapse all of these emotions again at the convention and not have a good time. I have never hated someone in my life as much as I do now for him.
The question is, why do I care still? And I cannot give you a good reason for that. He put me through a lot of firsts in my life. I had never been abused and manipulated by someone. I had never fallen in love with someone before, I have never truly hated someone before. I have never been so upset in my life where I thought that cocaine was a good idea. I just wanna smack him. Maybe then I would feel better.
That's where I am in my life. I'm sorry I had to tell you all of this. But I've had enough of being upset. I'm sorry if this is a mess. Please feel free to talk to me if you have questions. And you all know who it is, just look at my submissions, you'll find him. Yeah, him, he's unfortunately the thing that's killing me.
People like him deserve every STD under the sun, I s2g...
I feel gross just thinking about someone taking advantage of someone and causing so much shit...
You're EXCELLENT at drama, and shouldn't go around talking shit about people. Posting it to the internet making him look like an ogre will not help you. All you get is fake support, cause they don't know who he is, or HOW he is.
Everything that happened is not his fault, as I learned from my mistakes. He never said anything about a relationship or love. He was just feeling good around that, and wanted to keep that, maybe YOU were pushing too hard looking for more than a friendship, and made him feel uncomfortable. I don't know the details about you and him, but I know them between him and me.
You should not spread fake information, like he never cared about any of us two, because he did, A LOT.
About my experience there... Would i go again? Yes, definetly. He might now be the easiest person on earth to deal with, but he tries hard. He is worth much, MUCH more than you think. He just talks to girly guys and artists? So? What's the problem? He used to talk with you as well, so I think you're just jealous. Also, what's wrong about having a more personal relation with those guys you like phisically, want to get art with or from? I also like to treat artists in a more human way, and keep in touch with him, so you could say I only talk to artists and big commissioners as well. Am I fake? I don't think so, I think what i am is HUMAN. And that is something that's not seen much around here.
ARTISTS ARE NOT ROBOTS AND THEY CAN HAVE FRIENDS TOO
And same goes for commissioners, crafters, whateveryouwant.
I blocked you as well because YOU are the impossible one to deal with. You're a rock, you stand there and no one will move you nor your way of thinking. When he and I argued at his place, we found a solution, but the only thing you do is drama and talking shit. When I told you to say something from me to him, you put words in my mouth that i didn't say, and you're doing the same thing right here.
I've been in both sides of this drama, and I can say you're not as good as you pretend, and he isn't as bad as you want to make him look. No one is perfect, and in liking the others' ones mistakes is where beauty is. He and I are incompatible for a couple things, but that hasn't stopped us from being sincere and close to the other. He is one very close friend of mine now, and I don't like you talking about him like this, even more, when you're just exaggerating and using suicide and physical weakness to favor you, he didn't make you do any of those, it was you and no one else.