Hey Everyone, and yet another magic disappearing and reappearing act from me. But right now, I'm going through another set of issues.I'm trying to handle them as maturely as I can, but it's proven to difficult to handle it on my own. I really am not the type of person to publicly announce my problems, I always try to do it on my own, I have a hard time reaching out to help, I admit. I'm just so paranoid of becoming a burden to others, becoming a problem to some else life. Plus I'm always use to being alone, that it's kinda become second nature. Part of me also worry that people think I do it for attention. When people say they don't care about drama, and yet they acknowledge it and reacted poorly towards it instead of ignoring it, it's so hypocritical. I don't want people thinking I'm in need of attention or drama. Which is why I feel safer within myself.

Even so, if I don't say anything, I just end up worrying all of you who care. And God, you guys WORRY. It's never a joke. I been told is because they aren't use to seeing me other than happy and snarly. Or I'm just over thinking everything and you guys just wanna know because you truly care. It's kinda hard for me to adjust to being more open towards people. Especially surrounded by my loved ones. I dunno, but either way I still owe you guys explaining what's going on with me.
Earlier last week end my Great Aunt passed. After the whole "coming out" incident with my parents, she was the only one that never treated me differently, and at that point on I considered her as my only family. So around that following Monday. I called out of work for three days which kinda made my boss upset, took a flight and stay with a childhood friend of mine because no one else in my family wanted to take me in. I attended the funeral, ignore everyone else, even though they weren't too happy I was there, ( if you haven't figure it out, I'm the only gay-bi-whatever in the entire religious family, I'm literally the black sheep) I been yelled at, scolded for my existence, or ignored. By that point I turned off all emotions and just focus on my auntie, because I really was unstable as it was, I really didn't want them to think they were getting to me. Even though they already were. After the funeral was over everyone left, but I stay and stared at her grave. Eventually I started to think about all the fun times. Then I lost my will, and cried my heart out. Stood there crying by myself. I tried to stop because tears wasn't gonna bring her back. But tears kept over flowing. Regrettably I loved my Auntie very much.


After the entire trip, I just arrived home and pretty much stayed in bed. For the past few days, I just been working, studying, and the minute I get home just lay down, I was never tired or anything I was just not ready to think. So I would always force myself asleep. I also kept myself, from all social medias, FA, Skype, Twitter, etc. I even didn't associate with my buds in my area, I just wanted isolation. But I know that it isn't healthy and I could make myself sick if I keep up with these routines. Which explains this journal.


How am I feeling right now? And am I doing alright now? Is what your asking. Then No. I'm not alright. But I'm trying to pull myself out this hole, even if I feel broken. I been keeping myself busy so I don't have to think about it, because the minute I stop, I might end up having a mental breakdown. But I am alive and I don't know if I'll feel like drawing in the near future, so I wouldn't expect any anytime soon.
But I need a favor, don't tell me "I'm so sorry that happen to you" or " you have condolence" or any of that crap. Instead tell me what I can do to move on. What can I do? What should I do with myself to get passed this? Because everything I do turns back around to thinking about her. And I know the last thing she wants is for me to fall into depression.