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On Compromising in Relationships (rant, opinions, blah)
11 years ago
I'm only posting this here because I don't feel like I have anywhere else to post it.
Anyway, I just got done with a really weird conversation with a skype friend about our fetishes and compromising with them in a relationship. A lot was said, but the gist of it is that the friend was saying something along the lines of "If you have a fetish you like, but your partner wants nothing to do with, you ultimately need to decide if you value the other person more important than your fetish, or your fetish more important than your partner." Rather than 'quote' my position, I'll just talk about it.
I think compromises in relationships are stupid. In reality, little compromises, compromises that don't affect anything in the long run and better the relationship on all sides are fine. I'm talking about the ones where you have to change yourself to appease the other person. Examples of this: fetishes or sexual ventures you enjoy more than anything you could do with your partner, personality ticks you have always had that need to be worked out, and so on. If something is so integrally a part of you, that by removing it from your life to appease your partner, you would in turn be not being true to yourself and not enjoying life to its fullest, then it is my opinion that you shouldn't change that about yourself. Ever.
And let me be clear: I also think that whatever partner I may have should refrain from changing themself as well. If it's something they are, that they don't want to change that aspect of themselves, they should keep themselves that way. If you have to appease your partner for the sake of "love" then you're not being true to yourself. And that's pretty silly in my opinion.
An example of the previous paragraph: Let's say I had a partner. Reeeally awesome person, liked them a whole lot. I appreciated all their shortcomings and good stuff, but there was one thing I didn't like at all. Let's pretend this partner is a hardcore conservative. We gel on all other levels but politically they're extremely opposite of me. I would NEVER ask them to change that about themself. In reality, I'm gonna dislike their viewpoints and at some point will probably end the relationship for that reason to begin with. But there is no reason they should come over to my side or compromise somewhere in the middle, just to appease a relationship.
In the same way, if my partner doesn't want me to be doing one of my most important fetishes--one that I'm practically interested in turning into a lifestyle--just because it would make them appreciate me more, or make them /really/ like me, I don't think I should stop partaking in the fetish to keep the relationship going. Sure, they may find it gross. They may find it annoying, irritating, or time consuming. But it's a part of me. It's important to me. Why should I stop? Why shouldn't I ask that they try it out for themselves? Why shouldn't I want to be able to express myself in my own way? I shouldn't. It's not about what they think about me, it's how I feel about myself.
Confidence is weird. Other people can certainly help fuel confidence, but for the most part, confidence is something exuded by the self, and something that we have ourselves. Confidence comes from being able to take what people say, acknowledging it, and accepting the truth that you and you alone know and walking on with it. That's confidence. If I'm in a relationship, and I can't feel good about myself, then there's no point, even if the other person likes me. If I'm not truly enjoying everything I could be enjoying, then I, or my relationship, is holding things back. And I don't want to be held back. I want to have freedom within my own limitations, not ones outside of my own control.
The point of all this rambling is that I think that if you're in a relationship, and your partner doesn't like something MAJOR about you--be it a fetish, an ideology, a religion, a particular family member or friend, a harmless habit, whatever--then YOU SHOULD NOT CHANGE YOURSELF FOR THEIR SAKE. Obviously though, everyone's relationship is different. I personally am not extremely romantic. So I can't compare to someone who's super romantic. If you love your partner way more than you love something that is a small change then sure, change that about yourself if it makes you closer to your partner. Where I would draw the line is when it becomes a big enough change to something important enough to you that it drastically affects you internally, that you stop being true to yourself, that you can't be fully happy. In that case you shouldn't change yourself. But again, my opinion.
The way the skype conversation ended, the skype friend deleted me, calling me selfish for not being willing to compromise. Our particular discussion revolved around fetishes, wherein he pointed out some problems he had with aspects of diaper fetishes. Not all aspects. Just some. I personally, am wanting to wear diapers full time at some point. I like using them for anything, I like just about everything about them. And so admittedly I told him that I would not be willing to just -stop- doing it because my partner said they didn't like it. That's not being true to myself. He said that was really selfish, and that it would come across as them wondering "Is your diaper fetish more important than me?" and would ultimately force me to choose between two things I love: one which is a part of me, and the other which is not. I asserted my desire to stay true to myself again. He called me selfish again. And I agreed. Yeah. I'm selfish. I value myself above others. I'm generous and I care about other people too, but ultimately, I'm the most important person in my own personal bubble. And if I can't enjoy my life to the fullest, doing everything I want to do, whether or not my partner is involved, just because my partner doesn't like part of it, then they're not worth it to me. If that's selfish, then yes. I'm selfish. But I'm not gonna compromise for something that I don't think is necessary, and neither should my partner. Do what makes YOU and YOU ALONE happy first and foremost. If it makes others happy, cool. If it doesn't make them happy, but doesn't affect them, then do it anyway. It's you. Do you.
/rant
Anyway, I just got done with a really weird conversation with a skype friend about our fetishes and compromising with them in a relationship. A lot was said, but the gist of it is that the friend was saying something along the lines of "If you have a fetish you like, but your partner wants nothing to do with, you ultimately need to decide if you value the other person more important than your fetish, or your fetish more important than your partner." Rather than 'quote' my position, I'll just talk about it.
I think compromises in relationships are stupid. In reality, little compromises, compromises that don't affect anything in the long run and better the relationship on all sides are fine. I'm talking about the ones where you have to change yourself to appease the other person. Examples of this: fetishes or sexual ventures you enjoy more than anything you could do with your partner, personality ticks you have always had that need to be worked out, and so on. If something is so integrally a part of you, that by removing it from your life to appease your partner, you would in turn be not being true to yourself and not enjoying life to its fullest, then it is my opinion that you shouldn't change that about yourself. Ever.
And let me be clear: I also think that whatever partner I may have should refrain from changing themself as well. If it's something they are, that they don't want to change that aspect of themselves, they should keep themselves that way. If you have to appease your partner for the sake of "love" then you're not being true to yourself. And that's pretty silly in my opinion.
An example of the previous paragraph: Let's say I had a partner. Reeeally awesome person, liked them a whole lot. I appreciated all their shortcomings and good stuff, but there was one thing I didn't like at all. Let's pretend this partner is a hardcore conservative. We gel on all other levels but politically they're extremely opposite of me. I would NEVER ask them to change that about themself. In reality, I'm gonna dislike their viewpoints and at some point will probably end the relationship for that reason to begin with. But there is no reason they should come over to my side or compromise somewhere in the middle, just to appease a relationship.
In the same way, if my partner doesn't want me to be doing one of my most important fetishes--one that I'm practically interested in turning into a lifestyle--just because it would make them appreciate me more, or make them /really/ like me, I don't think I should stop partaking in the fetish to keep the relationship going. Sure, they may find it gross. They may find it annoying, irritating, or time consuming. But it's a part of me. It's important to me. Why should I stop? Why shouldn't I ask that they try it out for themselves? Why shouldn't I want to be able to express myself in my own way? I shouldn't. It's not about what they think about me, it's how I feel about myself.
Confidence is weird. Other people can certainly help fuel confidence, but for the most part, confidence is something exuded by the self, and something that we have ourselves. Confidence comes from being able to take what people say, acknowledging it, and accepting the truth that you and you alone know and walking on with it. That's confidence. If I'm in a relationship, and I can't feel good about myself, then there's no point, even if the other person likes me. If I'm not truly enjoying everything I could be enjoying, then I, or my relationship, is holding things back. And I don't want to be held back. I want to have freedom within my own limitations, not ones outside of my own control.
The point of all this rambling is that I think that if you're in a relationship, and your partner doesn't like something MAJOR about you--be it a fetish, an ideology, a religion, a particular family member or friend, a harmless habit, whatever--then YOU SHOULD NOT CHANGE YOURSELF FOR THEIR SAKE. Obviously though, everyone's relationship is different. I personally am not extremely romantic. So I can't compare to someone who's super romantic. If you love your partner way more than you love something that is a small change then sure, change that about yourself if it makes you closer to your partner. Where I would draw the line is when it becomes a big enough change to something important enough to you that it drastically affects you internally, that you stop being true to yourself, that you can't be fully happy. In that case you shouldn't change yourself. But again, my opinion.
The way the skype conversation ended, the skype friend deleted me, calling me selfish for not being willing to compromise. Our particular discussion revolved around fetishes, wherein he pointed out some problems he had with aspects of diaper fetishes. Not all aspects. Just some. I personally, am wanting to wear diapers full time at some point. I like using them for anything, I like just about everything about them. And so admittedly I told him that I would not be willing to just -stop- doing it because my partner said they didn't like it. That's not being true to myself. He said that was really selfish, and that it would come across as them wondering "Is your diaper fetish more important than me?" and would ultimately force me to choose between two things I love: one which is a part of me, and the other which is not. I asserted my desire to stay true to myself again. He called me selfish again. And I agreed. Yeah. I'm selfish. I value myself above others. I'm generous and I care about other people too, but ultimately, I'm the most important person in my own personal bubble. And if I can't enjoy my life to the fullest, doing everything I want to do, whether or not my partner is involved, just because my partner doesn't like part of it, then they're not worth it to me. If that's selfish, then yes. I'm selfish. But I'm not gonna compromise for something that I don't think is necessary, and neither should my partner. Do what makes YOU and YOU ALONE happy first and foremost. If it makes others happy, cool. If it doesn't make them happy, but doesn't affect them, then do it anyway. It's you. Do you.
/rant
