FA+
Shop
Hospitals and Rape Part II
11 years ago
I've been in three psych wards for the past two months. It's been a real journey. I was hospitalized for suicide attempts or suicidal ideation. It turns out being raped twice in one summer is really demoralizing. Who would have thought. Also having bipolar disorder makes it way harder. Being in a psych ward is pretty boring and unnoreworthy. Most dramatic thing that happened to me is my outside psychiatrist and I argued about whether or not I should be kept on Ritalin, and because of my past history of using weed and psychedelics he thought that meant I was AN EVIL DRUG SEEKER THAT IS ADDICTED TO ALL DRUGS, and so he dropped me as a client outside of the hospital. But since he was assigned to my care while I was stuck in the ward, I had to speak to him everyday, knowing that he dropped me as a patient, and him knowing that I tried to get him assigned off my case. Truly one of those "that awkward moment when..." moments. In other news, my cardiologist who came to check up on my heart while I was in the hospital is totally dreamy and I have the biggest crush on him. Too bad he's married with children. Don't you hate it when inappropriate crushes like that happen to you?
Oh yeah, and after 23 years of thinking I'm asexual, this medication they put me on, Wellbutrin, has made me suddenly have sexual feelings. You have no idea how fucking surreal it is to suddenly be interested in the whole sex thing. And to have your orientation just magically change over night. I thought being raped twice as a kid murdered my sexual development but nope, I guess that wasn't it.
I love how I keep making extremely personal journals even though I know like zero people on this website.
I think I'll start drawing some furry bs soon.
On the advice of my cardiologist and also everyone else in my life, I've decided not to try and advance my life (like get a career, go to grad school, etc.) until at least a year from now, potentially longer if it takes longer to recover from everything. Five different people have raped me in my life, two as a child, one my freshman year of college, and two this past summer - and I haven't properly dealt with ANY of them, except the one from my freshman year. I just finally admitted to my mom that her husband and my brother were the ones that did it to me as a kid. I never told her until just last week, and then I cried about it like I never have before. It was some kind of breakthrough I think.
Oh yeah, and after 23 years of thinking I'm asexual, this medication they put me on, Wellbutrin, has made me suddenly have sexual feelings. You have no idea how fucking surreal it is to suddenly be interested in the whole sex thing. And to have your orientation just magically change over night. I thought being raped twice as a kid murdered my sexual development but nope, I guess that wasn't it.
I love how I keep making extremely personal journals even though I know like zero people on this website.
I think I'll start drawing some furry bs soon.
On the advice of my cardiologist and also everyone else in my life, I've decided not to try and advance my life (like get a career, go to grad school, etc.) until at least a year from now, potentially longer if it takes longer to recover from everything. Five different people have raped me in my life, two as a child, one my freshman year of college, and two this past summer - and I haven't properly dealt with ANY of them, except the one from my freshman year. I just finally admitted to my mom that her husband and my brother were the ones that did it to me as a kid. I never told her until just last week, and then I cried about it like I never have before. It was some kind of breakthrough I think.
I cannot possibly relate to everything you're going through, but please bestrong and know people are here to help.
I wish you all the best, and you're in my thoughts. Feel free to jab me on Skype if you ever feel like talking.
Go ahead and add that. It would be great to hear from you again ^^
Since you're on the track of staying open about it, I had an idea that might assist you. After talking to you, you seem like you're headstrong enough to simply lay out the facts and what you're going through without making it propaganda. I don't take you as the rallying type but rather one who's informing others so I'd propose you tell your story. Post it up from beginning to end and lay it all out. Who knows it could do you some good and could reach out and touch someone else.
In truth it only seems like a good idea to me, and I'm interested in what you would have to say should you decide to tell your story. What I'm saying is, I'd like to read it, or hear it, or whatever you decide on. Fuck it, the least someone could do is hear you out right?
Getting your watch had me thinking about you and reading your journal gave me the idea and I figured I throw it out there. Good luck on the road to recovery. I'm sure it'll be nice to chalk this up to an experience overcome.
That's actually a great idea. I've been thinking a lot about doing that - I know a lot of people who have had similar experiences to me feel alone and isolated because of their trauma, mistaking the silence of others for an affirmation that they are the only ones suffering. I think I will eventually post up my whole story, from beginning to end. I just need to find a way to reach out to a lot of people. I know there will be people who don't believe me, or who think it's tacky to post such personal things, or some other negative reaction but I'm not afraid of that. Never have been. I've always been one to take comfort in how I feel about something over how society wants me to feel about something, if that makes sense.
Again, thank you. You've really come around on this issue. One day, this will just be yet another adversity I've had to overcome. I look forward to that time.
I am sorry you had to go through what you did. May you find peace and focus.