I am really hurt right now. Na roda da vida nos somos grandes e pequenos...and I lost someone big. I keep trying to separate strength and being wounded, but you can be strong and hurt I am finding out. I got a job today. I'm taking all the steps towards my goals. I feel good, about that...I am increasing my level of unconditional positive regard every day. Learning about respect, and boundaries. I am becoming something more, all on my own. Eu sou.

I wish it was different, though. I wish it was different. I wish I could take back all the pain and suffering I've caused. I wish I got help when I ought to have and didn't let the beautiful and precious things that meant the most to me slip through my fingers. They say move on from the past, that it is gone, but perhaps I am meant to be haunted this way. Sometimes when you are really cut by the consequences the scar is the safest reminder of sense. It is not an easy task to rebuild one's self. I am grateful for boxing and the few relationships that my behavior in the midst of my disease didn't sour.

How I feel now is so different from then. I am more of a self, and I feel things like calm and tenderness and a new way to look at living. It wasn't me! I wish I could say...it doesn't feel like me...but it could be no one else...

Ugh I am literally sick...my insides are revolting against me.

Just punch. Punch. Punch.

Punch and wait.