(This is a very negative post. Ignore it if you don't want downerFox (me) to ruin it.)

I don't care, I am a downer myself and such and I know how horrible it is to suffer alone.

I remember writing in my first year of college, three years ago. I got into some very bad stuff and hit an extreme low-point. So low that I had imagined notes and things I would say before I wanted to throw myself off the science halls.

The issue was derived from how empty existence was; a conflict that I've still been unable to resolve for the last years, and one that many philosophers have been able to resolve. I hated living; I hated that life has no meaning. I hated that everything is meaningless. I hated that everything we build up falls right back down. Nothing was permanent. Any meaning that exists is a matter of opinion.

That is where I was. That is where I would still be.

I was told then, and I constantly see it, that it doesn't matter whatever you do, just as long as it makes you happy. The issue is that happiness doesn't stay so we become addicted to it as our bodies are prone to do. We surround ourselves with pleasures and sex and porn and drugs and alcohol and vanity and possessions and we all the miss the point and that is why we ignore the question of meaning altogether. Most of us.

A lot of us don't even care for the answer.

If you look at statistics, suicide rates are higher where materialism is prominent. Suicide rates in youth dipped down around year 2000 and increased right back up to a new high. There are all sorts of crazy things going on nowadays and it's summed up as "Do whatever makes you happy."

Well, I tried and it didn't work. I'm only here because I knew something was wrong.

I will not lie or mask, this is where I am. This has always been the case. The sole reason why I lack energy to do anything. I fear/hate the possibility of failure. From my experience, no matter what I do, it will come crashing down at one point. Everything dissolves, in the end, meaningless. I hate my life still. I no longer have will to live, it's been that way for many years now. But yes, I will go on and agree that meaning is a matter of opinion. I have been eavesdropping my family's conversation about Illuminati and such. I couldn't believe that so many Christians around me were consumed by it, it was to the point of them just preventing their children or themselves from doing anything because they don't want to support Illuminati, shackling themselves. So I gave my opinion, "the meaning is there because we have assigned it. As long as we assign the meanings to what is essentially just meaningless, that meaning will be there, but no reason for us to adopt those meanings." It is of no answer. I do not know the answer. I won't know the answer because it's probably something way above my grade anyways. All I know is that nobody on this earth knows the answer to it. May be, truly enlightened Christians do, perhaps this is just the devil's trap laid out so he can thrive in this environment. Suicide/hedonism and such are what he perceive to be his domain where he can exercise authority over anyone who dwells, treads into it. After all, he is against God. Anything against God is good enough for him anyways.

I have tried to fill the empty gaps and such. But now, I have been realizing how my efforts were just in vain. The author (you know who this is, he is a famous figure) of Ecclesiastes writes it very well in the first two chapters. Those two chapters basically describe me and perhaps you and this one verse describes very well "So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. " This is what we are feeling. Just yesterday, I was feeling the weight of this very thing. Everything that I have worked for, interpersonal relations, grades, faith, dreams and others, are just failing. And here is this random 'man' in the sky, telling me that there's hope and seek him out first and yet I fail at that regards too. I was devastated by this, yesterday, thought of killing myself, I will be honest, wasn't absent. I knew, in the end of all my trying, nothing good will come up. I have dedicated my life trying to make those around me feel joy and be a source of joy for them, and yet, I did not succeed. Now, the sermon yesterday at my church was interesting. It took a look at the parable of prodigal son. The pastor took it apart from the elder brother's perspective. This came down to the conclusion that the elder brother had wrong intent. He remained faithful and such, but it was for his own selfishness, implied by him stating, "‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!’" (Luke 15:29-30 NIV). This resonated within me deeply, because, it opened up the door for me. It showed that I could/may/am (be) the very person accusing his father that way. The pastor went on, in the first two parables, there were seekers and on this last part of the trilogy, there was no seeker, only one person actively waiting. The elder brother didn't do anything until the end. This struck my mind yesterday and it still does strike me. When I was in that whirlpool of despair/emptiness yesterday night, I also actively tried to deny and even justify the action of the older brother. I will try to squirm the best I can with what strength I have left now. So should you, or for all I know, you are already on it. I just thank God for this: “‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. 32 But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’” (Luke 15:31 NIV), because He didn't condemn the elder brother, but instead, comforted. Gives me hope, even though I remain at large very confused, skeptical and such.

I just remember someone telling me once, "You'll have lived a happy life if you die before your lover." Well, frankly, that was troubling to me. If there's nothing after life then it doesn't really matter anyway, right?

I don't know. People put too much worth in the little things, like sex and money and porn. It doesn't matter to me if I die a virgin or that nonsense. My value and worth is placed elsewhere.

So how do we combat this inherent worthlessness? Especially if all we do is just chance and predetermined by physics?

How many of us base our lives off of five-minute feelings?
In regards to "You'll have lived a happy life if you die before your lover" and your afterlife comment, I never have experienced death, so I don't know if I will be happy dying alone or not (in which, I do not dismiss the possibility of me dying alone), but I'd say the statement is true. If that lover was able to lead the dying to God, even better. However, you can use that statement with just about any ideology, I cannot dismiss that statement though, perhaps that little glimpse was all that person needed or last thing they will taste before the eternal torment.

In regards to the sex/porn and such having much value, it is a sad trend. In particular, sex, I have not seen that much ads stating and setting something about being able to have sex as a measurement standard of health before I came into the Western cultural hemisphere. Not saying that it is unique to the Western culture though, I am just stating that because I want to say that, yes, people seem to place quite a bit of importance to it. We wouldn't have much of a problem deciding whether or not homosexuality is wrong if we didn't place lots of value and worth. 'We' is used here to include everyone. Why? We all are responsible. If this wasn't the case, how would have Jesus died on the cross, carrying our non-existent sin (because we can just blame Adam and Eve only and claim that we are all sinless.)? Anyways, that'd require more elaboration I realize. So, I will just skip it. Back to topic, yes, we place lots of values and worth on things that will perish. Even the most faithful of us do that sometimes in their lives. The beauty is that God enlightens us of our wrong ways and turns us back in his own timing. Just a matter of heeding the call I suppose.

As for last questions, I dare say, everyone base their lives off of the temporary feelings anyways. That is showcased throughout the Bible, Abraham even sold his wife out to preserve his life. About that bit on inherent worthlessness, I can't say much because I struggle too. I doubt there's anyone not struggling, may be not so external like some, but it is there, it is why we try to find worth on things here in the first place. Chance thing, I can't really comment about, or rather, I won't.

This got very long, I apologize for the length, but I had to 'contribute' because I was/am struggling.

The metaphysical conceit of this post is that we're all feeling around, grasping, in the darkness, looking for happiness and meaning which is not there. Only when we are in the Light do we realize that there is nothing for us here in this darkness. We just need to ask for the light, and the only being truly capable of giving this happiness and meaning will shine His light upon us, and give us what we need and ask for.

But never will we find it on our own.

This post was forcibly written from that perspective, of being stuck in the darkness. I wanted to force people who read it to think about the world being lived in. I wanted people to examine their lives and realize if they're happy because they have their eyes closed, ignoring the dark, or whether they're grasping for something to anchor their lives.

it will come crashing down at one point. Everything dissolves, in the end, meaningless. I hate my life still. I no longer have will to live, it's been that way for many years now.
On the back of my Lecrae "Gravity" jacket is the phrase "It all comes down." Everything we build up in life falls down because this World is made of sand. It has nothing for us to build our lives on. It is not made of rock. It is temporary. It is finite. It is meaningless. My jacket is a reminder that my treasure is laid up in Heaven, where eternity and love are endless. It is my goal to bring as much as that love as I can, to our level.

But yes, I will go on and agree that meaning is a matter of opinion.
We say this and it's true, inside the scope of Man. We give meaning to things, but that meaning vanishes as soon as we pass. It is a ghost- a fading whisper that disappears in the wind. Only God gives us meaning. Only through Him can our lives be turned from chance to design. We can't do that. We can't change everything about us. And any chance we make can be reversed. Satan strikes at us through the World, while God calls us through our minds and hearts. Our souls belong to Him. What He has assigned for us, is without dispute. Those who disagree are in the hands of Satan by their own will. That is what Scripture suggests to us.

I have been eavesdropping my family's conversation about Illuminati and such. I couldn't believe that so many Christians around me were consumed by it, it was to the point of them just preventing their children or themselves from doing anything because they don't want to support Illuminati, shackling themselves.
The Illuminati is about as real as any other superstition.

All I know is that nobody on this earth knows the answer to it. May be, truly enlightened Christians do, perhaps this is just the devil's trap laid out so he can thrive in this environment. Suicide/hedonism and such are what he perceive to be his domain where he can exercise authority over anyone who dwells, treads into it. After all, he is against God. Anything against God is good enough for him anyways.
We have all the answers we need given straight to us in Scripture. All the meaning, all the answers we need, all the words we need to hear. Except we get in the way- sin gets in the way. There are many who profess Christ but follow Satan, because Satan is at his best when he takes what is good and uses it against us. Evil takes what's good, and tarnishes it. That's how we get addicted, that's how we get bent around simple things that shouldn't trouble us but instead plague all our waking hours. It takes our security, and ruins our perception and knowledge of its strength. It weakens how we feel about ourselves. It lies, but it sounds like the truth. This is why we need to cling to Scripture about what is true because what may seem right may be terribly wrong. How many times do we need to see someone claiming the Grace of God yet preach lies about God that do nothing but appease our senses or disgust us? Everything from WBC, who claim what they're doing is out of love; or those churches who have compromised their belief in God to fulfill their Quota, or to simply feel nice, ultimately leading themselves and others into a pretty hand-basket that goes to Hell? What God asks is not easy. He asks us to kill our flesh and deny it and give it no quarter, for we are truly spiritual beings (our flesh and worldliness will be cast into the lake of fire, and if we cling to it, we will go with it). He asks us to give up everything so that we may have more. It sounds like loss, but truly, only by killing our worldliness and worldly presence will we ever achieve what God asks of us.

And verily, God does not give us a challenge we cannot achieve. Philippians is a good book to read, especially regarding how to live when life gets very rough.

We are not worthless. This is the world speaking about our bodies, but the world has nothing on our souls, for we are not of this world. We are aliens, visitors, passing through.


RE: The Prodigal Son

There's a lot of misinterpretation and misrepresentation I see regarding this passage. People tend to stop at the part where the brother who stayed is being reminded of his place. It's true, God and Heaven are happy when a sinner becomes a justified and honest Christian. Those of us who get jealous about it tend to forget the latter part of the passage. We have already secured what is being offered. We never lost it. We should not be upset when our prodigal brother returns. We instead should rejoice as well.

The question is never what God can offer us but instead what we may do for the glory of God. Only by serving Him can we fix things, do right, excel, love, and spread generosity. Although I find it interesting that the Older Brother expected the good things, although Jesus tells us we will receive when we ask.


In regards to "You'll have lived a happy life if you die before your lover" and your afterlife comment, I never have experienced death, so I don't know if I will be happy dying alone or not (in which, I do not dismiss the possibility of me dying alone), but I'd say the statement is true. If that lover was able to lead the dying to God, even better. However, you can use that statement with just about any ideology, I cannot dismiss that statement though, perhaps that little glimpse was all that person needed or last thing they will taste before the eternal torment.
I've had a lot of friends and family members die. I've watched someone die in a street after being hit by a van. I've had friends kill themselves and I've had a friend killed by manslaughter. Someone's search for happiness and contentment in the world, getting drunk at the age of 19, lead to the death of one of my friends.

I've been around death for a good portion of my life. What happens next, after-life, is something that has always been on my mind. It also forced me to question what I was doing in the world, when, in an instant, I could be splattered across a highway or instant-death because of my chest deformation. Is my life meaningful? Will God be proud of me when I meet Him? To me, it's not about meeting a score of Good over Bad, but instead doing all the Good I can. I can only serve God and do good, for that is the only way to do something truly good.

I would be honored if I outlived my lover. I will be happy to see her at the Gates, with God, knowing that our time together will be eternal. I will be happy that she would not have to mull over the same questions I did if I passed before her. I would be content and happy knowing, that, although she may have left, I am never far from her. This is the same with all my loved ones. Death, while scary, is something that has no sting. lyrics

We should never forget Jesus, our Savior, who gives us the opportunity to have His comfort and Grace and Love.

As for last questions, I dare say, everyone base their lives off of the temporary feelings anyways. That is showcased throughout the Bible, Abraham even sold his wife out to preserve his life. About that bit on inherent worthlessness, I can't say much because I struggle too. I doubt there's anyone not struggling, may be not so external like some, but it is there, it is why we try to find worth on things here in the first place. Chance thing, I can't really comment about, or rather, I won't.
I do not place any worth in what is temporary. I find my joy and happiness in my friends and God, the only things that will surpass the death of our bodies.

We, again, are not inherently worthless, for God gives us worth. It is one of His Gifts. It is something we should shelter in. We are wrapped in His arms.

The chance thing was rhetorical. In Physics, we don't have much of an explanation as to how, but we know that physical predetermination is uncertain. Regardless, God has made the universe for us.

Remember: I love you, and more importantly, so does God.

Unless I am blind or significantly misread, I cannot find any points of dispute after many rounds of reading. OR may be I am just completely missing the point. Anyways, as of now, if I say anything more, I'd be more or less repeating what you said anyways, what is it... feedback loop? But yeah, about that prodigal son, my pastor kind of ended before that very last passage which I found it would have been better if he included that. I know it was in his intention to get the thinking going, but it was indeed weird because I remembered the father comforting the elder brother at the end of the story.

Yeah, I do too, that love thing (even though I am still searching for the right meaning in a way or waiting for it to click in my head), and yeah, I cannot escape God. Like in Psalm 139 or so. At the end, I am constantly reminded that God loves me and such and actually find comfort in it despite all the strong negative emotions before.