Absolutely exhausted but just think I'll sleep better if I get stuff off my chest, even if it's typing in a journal.

I absolutely loathe being trans. I wish I was cisgendered, either gender, because then I would have so much less shit to deal with. I hate looking in the mirror, it confuses me every time to see the wrong thing staring back at me, I utterly despise my chest, it's the worst thing about it. I'm sick of getting terrified that every time I go out and try to pass that someone is going to call me out, or misgender me, and I'm so paranoid that people are just laughing at me behind my back that I'm struggling to build any new friendships with people. I can barely hold a conversation with people I don't know, constantly trying to keep my voice low, my shoulders hunched, waiting to slip up and have the ever the same awkward conversation.

I wish my parents weren't so ignorant, I wish they would just open up and listen to their only child, that I'm screaming inside, that they are literally ruining my life by being this way. I wish I wasn't such a coward and could try again to discuss my situation with them. But I know they will never accept it, and I know that the utter fucking torment that came from telling them last time will just happen again. I wish I wasn't so weak and could stand up for myself. I wish they would just listen, just for 5 minutes and maybe they would hear me.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this. I'm getting to the point where I feel like I will die without T, that I will just cease to exist. I can feel the time coming in which I'm going to have to do something and I'm so scared. People tell me I'm brave for what I am, but I'm not otherwise I would already be transitioning. There needs to be a change, somehow.

I don't really expect anyone to read this, it's just feelings coming out, not being held in by being awake now. I