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Update & Farewell
11 years ago
For the past few weeks, as many of you know, I have been absent from FurAffinity, babyfur.me and Skype as I have been going to a recovery home known as the Straight Up Discipleship and Life Skills home. No, I am not a drug addict, alcoholic or anything like that although it is a surprise to the leader that I am not one. It is here that I have discovered that I struggle with codependency which means I am overly dependent on others and I am terrified of being alone. Codependents, like myself, are always trying to please everyone while they think of themselves as insignificant and worthless persons. They are desperate for acceptance and many (like myself) are screaming on the inside for it. In many ways, they trust easily, form quick soul-ties with others and refuse to let people go. I have ultimately came to a very unhealthy extreme with this in which I had arrived at a point in which I had been so desperate to be accepted, I was willing to betray all my morals just to fit in. Honestly, I did not care; I just wanted to be accepted so badly. My whole life, I faced rejection and to this day, I still do. If only I knew that I was only causing more damage by meeting my legitimate needs with illegitimate means.
It was here at Straight Up where it has been revealed to me that I have nothing to give anyone because I am so empty inside. I see the veracity in that: what have I been able to give without hurting someone? Hurt people hurt others. Broken people in a relationship means a broken situation. Ask anyone; they do know for a fact that I brought pain to so many people especially those I cared about most. My biggest problem is I get hurt way too easily and I make myself the victim. What do I have to offer you? A broken heart is all I have to offer. And my desire for acceptance has led me to constantly cover up my face with a mask to try to appeal to the nature of others and now I have no idea what is my real personality. To please others, I am absolutely willing to forget about my comfort, feelings and boundaries. My mentor and spiritual daddy, Mark, told me that I may be a 21 year old young man on the outside but on the inside, I am just a little boy screaming for attention. Also, I discovered that my primary love language is physical touch rather than words of affirmation which I thought it was for a long time. No. Being hugged or held in someone's arms means everything to me.
It has become more and more apparent that I am to move into the Straight Up home in which I am going to stay at until I am able to stand on my own two legs. I have had a glimpse of my destiny and I often hear others saying they see a leader in me. Although I am unsure of what it may be exactly, all I can do is allow the boat to be steered to the proper course. Moving in with a new family is absolutely terrifying to me; I cannot bear the thought of leaving behind all I know here. But I am willing to do it because I have found both acceptance and unconditional love at Straight Up Discipleship and Life Skills home. The others living there already consider me family and they are in the process of readying a place for me to stay. I really wish I had a job so I can pay room and board... yet, it is not that easy nowadays.
Long story short, I will be leaving all of this behind as it is an illegitimate means for my legitimate needs. I leave an apology to all of those that I have hurt. I do not know how many times I have apologized to some, but I shall say "sorry" one last time. And I am terribly sorry to those that I have disappointed in failing to be a daddy to them as well as those I am abandoning. Right now, you are better off without me because I have nothing to give you. The only thing I can give you is a broken heart. I already removed most of you from Skype which wretched me inside and made me even more empty but it must be done. It pains me to say goodbye to all of you... but I refuse to continue living so broken and empty.
I am truly, deeply sorry to those that I did greatly impact.
Should you wish to remain in contact with me, here is my Skype: yourrisingstorm. Or send me a message telling me so but I am not going to be something I am not. I am not a babyfur, ABDL or a furry anymore. All I am now is a broken person searching for healing.
Farewell.
Christopher T. Benton
FKA Jazz and Scamp
It was here at Straight Up where it has been revealed to me that I have nothing to give anyone because I am so empty inside. I see the veracity in that: what have I been able to give without hurting someone? Hurt people hurt others. Broken people in a relationship means a broken situation. Ask anyone; they do know for a fact that I brought pain to so many people especially those I cared about most. My biggest problem is I get hurt way too easily and I make myself the victim. What do I have to offer you? A broken heart is all I have to offer. And my desire for acceptance has led me to constantly cover up my face with a mask to try to appeal to the nature of others and now I have no idea what is my real personality. To please others, I am absolutely willing to forget about my comfort, feelings and boundaries. My mentor and spiritual daddy, Mark, told me that I may be a 21 year old young man on the outside but on the inside, I am just a little boy screaming for attention. Also, I discovered that my primary love language is physical touch rather than words of affirmation which I thought it was for a long time. No. Being hugged or held in someone's arms means everything to me.
It has become more and more apparent that I am to move into the Straight Up home in which I am going to stay at until I am able to stand on my own two legs. I have had a glimpse of my destiny and I often hear others saying they see a leader in me. Although I am unsure of what it may be exactly, all I can do is allow the boat to be steered to the proper course. Moving in with a new family is absolutely terrifying to me; I cannot bear the thought of leaving behind all I know here. But I am willing to do it because I have found both acceptance and unconditional love at Straight Up Discipleship and Life Skills home. The others living there already consider me family and they are in the process of readying a place for me to stay. I really wish I had a job so I can pay room and board... yet, it is not that easy nowadays.
Long story short, I will be leaving all of this behind as it is an illegitimate means for my legitimate needs. I leave an apology to all of those that I have hurt. I do not know how many times I have apologized to some, but I shall say "sorry" one last time. And I am terribly sorry to those that I have disappointed in failing to be a daddy to them as well as those I am abandoning. Right now, you are better off without me because I have nothing to give you. The only thing I can give you is a broken heart. I already removed most of you from Skype which wretched me inside and made me even more empty but it must be done. It pains me to say goodbye to all of you... but I refuse to continue living so broken and empty.
I am truly, deeply sorry to those that I did greatly impact.
Should you wish to remain in contact with me, here is my Skype: yourrisingstorm. Or send me a message telling me so but I am not going to be something I am not. I am not a babyfur, ABDL or a furry anymore. All I am now is a broken person searching for healing.
Farewell.
Christopher T. Benton
FKA Jazz and Scamp
