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<sigh>
11 years ago
I'm always astonishing myself in the worst of ways: seeing more and more flaws in my character. That fit of rage of today, it's a fine example.
To be honest, that's why I always avoid direct confrontation. My rage is too strong. And to be frank, it turns me somewhat...stupid. I open my mouth and only venom comes out, while a voice inside, my sensible side I suppose, keeps on saying, "Listen to what you're saying, you imbecile. Is that what you really want to say?" And I get more violent too, even though I've managed to keep myself out of fights my whole life.
I fear what I'd do if I got a hold of the situation, I mean, if I somehow managed to win the fight. I fear I'd kill the guy. Like I wrote, and I quote, "Hit his head on the curb until theres nothing left but a bloody ruin." I could do that if blinded by sheer rage.
Better try to find some zen in my life. But I swear, I don't find it nowhere. Not on physical exercises, not in music, not playing the guitar, nothing seems to calm me when I get these fits.
Well...there's always Clonazepan. Thank you whoever chemist designed this. I'd never sleep without it....
What? Don't worry, it's prescribed. Along with 50mg of Pamelor, 600 mg of Lithium, and Finasteride. My nightly "cocktail".
Anyways...I'm not mental as I write sometimes, I guarantee that. "Mental" in the british sense of the word, get it? Oh well...
To be honest, that's why I always avoid direct confrontation. My rage is too strong. And to be frank, it turns me somewhat...stupid. I open my mouth and only venom comes out, while a voice inside, my sensible side I suppose, keeps on saying, "Listen to what you're saying, you imbecile. Is that what you really want to say?" And I get more violent too, even though I've managed to keep myself out of fights my whole life.
I fear what I'd do if I got a hold of the situation, I mean, if I somehow managed to win the fight. I fear I'd kill the guy. Like I wrote, and I quote, "Hit his head on the curb until theres nothing left but a bloody ruin." I could do that if blinded by sheer rage.
Better try to find some zen in my life. But I swear, I don't find it nowhere. Not on physical exercises, not in music, not playing the guitar, nothing seems to calm me when I get these fits.
Well...there's always Clonazepan. Thank you whoever chemist designed this. I'd never sleep without it....
What? Don't worry, it's prescribed. Along with 50mg of Pamelor, 600 mg of Lithium, and Finasteride. My nightly "cocktail".
Anyways...I'm not mental as I write sometimes, I guarantee that. "Mental" in the british sense of the word, get it? Oh well...
