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Alive.
4 years ago
Yes...I'm here, I'm still alive...even though some days it just feels as if I wasn't living at all. Routine, boredom. A job that adds less than staring at paint drying.
Eh. I suppose it's life, how it comes. Strange, at times. I've been refraining to write here because I was suffering another bout of depression, and I know how it just annoys the hell out of almost everyone who doesn't have it (you're all lucky, all of you!)
It's strange because I was wondering on how..lonely one can get. 44 years of age, 27 as a furry. No furry friends. None. I just don't get what is wrong with me. All these 27 years as a part of the community...a silent, recluse part, it seems.
I've been to dozens of libraries, archives, a whole variety of furry websites all along the way, and...I felt so strange, so alien, in a time I was still fighting my own bisexuality demons, I just couldn't reach out to anyone...and I feel sad about it. No wonder. It's just like going to college and never meeting anyone at all.
Well, real life and the so-called "normie" friends are mostly gone too. And some even forsook me, for being bi. Well, it really showed me how bitter life can be, sometimes, for sometimes people will leave you. And it goes well with my favorite Nietzsche quote.
And now...I am left alone, mostly. Feels horrible, at days. And I just wanted to connect, make friends with someone from the furry community. Ironically, I...just don't know how. Silly and stupid, for a grown-ass man. Not too much, when the man is autisticand depressed, with the self-esteem lower than worms.
Ijust hope one day I'd be able to master myself and not seem so helpless and shy. But I've always been this way...and old dogs normally don't learn new tricks, eh?
Well...I'll keep trying and imagining a way...I feel like I've got a lot to share, and since my old friends are mostly gone, I really need to find an outlet or I'll go crazy...
And I really wished to be friends with a lot of people here, so much talent, and so much common interests...so many stories to tell...
Well, I know that nobody will read this, so I'll just finish this soliloquy here. Gotta keep on searching, gotta keep on walking...
Eh. I suppose it's life, how it comes. Strange, at times. I've been refraining to write here because I was suffering another bout of depression, and I know how it just annoys the hell out of almost everyone who doesn't have it (you're all lucky, all of you!)
It's strange because I was wondering on how..lonely one can get. 44 years of age, 27 as a furry. No furry friends. None. I just don't get what is wrong with me. All these 27 years as a part of the community...a silent, recluse part, it seems.
I've been to dozens of libraries, archives, a whole variety of furry websites all along the way, and...I felt so strange, so alien, in a time I was still fighting my own bisexuality demons, I just couldn't reach out to anyone...and I feel sad about it. No wonder. It's just like going to college and never meeting anyone at all.
Well, real life and the so-called "normie" friends are mostly gone too. And some even forsook me, for being bi. Well, it really showed me how bitter life can be, sometimes, for sometimes people will leave you. And it goes well with my favorite Nietzsche quote.
And now...I am left alone, mostly. Feels horrible, at days. And I just wanted to connect, make friends with someone from the furry community. Ironically, I...just don't know how. Silly and stupid, for a grown-ass man. Not too much, when the man is autisticand depressed, with the self-esteem lower than worms.
Ijust hope one day I'd be able to master myself and not seem so helpless and shy. But I've always been this way...and old dogs normally don't learn new tricks, eh?
Well...I'll keep trying and imagining a way...I feel like I've got a lot to share, and since my old friends are mostly gone, I really need to find an outlet or I'll go crazy...
And I really wished to be friends with a lot of people here, so much talent, and so much common interests...so many stories to tell...
Well, I know that nobody will read this, so I'll just finish this soliloquy here. Gotta keep on searching, gotta keep on walking...
