A small handful of you guys know actively know that I'm still here.

A lot of thoughts have been going through my mind recently, and needless to say, it's been a struggle. I'm going to describe my thoughts so you guys can maybe understand what's happening in this hectic mind of mine. (NOTE: It's currently 3:26 AM CST and I'm only about halfway through this. Forgive me if my writing ability turns to mud.)


#1: School

Currently, school is not well. I have my lowest grades in my entire school career. This is due to my sickness (an upper respiratory viral infection) that had me out of class for two and a half weeks. School, when I'm well, is a matter of getting high grades; this semester, it's a matter of passing. If I do not pass my degree courses, I'll be behind a semester and in a tight spot due to what exactly that means regarding my degree plan.

Those of you who know me well know I attending college in my Junior year of high school, then went back to high school for a single credit to get my diploma. After that, I resumed college for a year (last year) at a different school. So this year, I'm a junior, technically, but my courses are messed up. I took pretty much nothing but General Education courses my first year, so most of those are out of the way. However, I was delayed a semester for Computer Science courses because there was not an opening. So skip ahead to now: I have only one Computer Science course under my belt and I'm a Junior in my degree. All that's left to take is Computer Science courses and a couple electives. If I'm unable to pass this course, I'll be running out of electives to pair with Computer Science courses due to per-requisites. I will have issues remaining a full-time student if this happens to be the case.

It will result in a lot of wasted money and time, possibly delaying my degree another year.


#2: Stress and Depression

I have huge issues managing my stress. Stress is recursive and cyclical. The more I get stressed, I'll get even more stressed. This is shown by the fact that I get stressed out about a test, then that stress will give me stress-induced dyslexia and some weird inability to count similar objects, then that results in a bad test score, which in turn adds more stress about my grade and course.

Better yet, when I get stressed out, I'm unable to focus. When I'm unable to focus, I'm unable to work or think effectively, often causing serious issues with my homework or studying and performances.

A few times, I passively thought about the consequences behind what I was doing. A few times I considered going to a counselor. A few times I've broken down and cried. Twice this week I've cried myself to sleep, when I did sleep. I know that I'm capable of processing very dark thoughts without giving a legitimate thought about doing it. I know that if I admitted it, I'd probably be hospitalized and force-medicated. The only thing keeping me from getting help is fear of the help I'll be receiving. I have no doubt I'd hurt myself if I was force-medicated. No, I'm not suicidal. I do not wish to die. I do not want to hurt myself. I will not hurt myself. I'm past that. I no longer enjoy pain. Death is something I have a numinous fear of, not a mortal fear. I know there are consequences to what I'm doing and I know that I will be held accountable.

You can assuredly rest easy and know that I will not harm myself. That is a promise.

Right now, I'm only working on trying to get through each day without breaking down into tears.


#3: Friendships

For the duration of this week, I've generally paused most personal contact while I try to get things caught up. As a result, I've had a lot thinking about my friendships. In regards to a few friendships, I realize just how ignored I felt. Admitting that I feel that way to anyone who honestly does not mean to make me feel that way does terrible things to friendships. Sometimes they don't know it. Sometimes they don't care.

The truth is, I don't want to face that situation. The amount of fear that fills me thinking about it is making me feel ill as well. All my veins seem to run cold...

I've been in this exact situation before, and it's never turned out well. I'm literally dreading the messages I'm going to get. There's no way to, in an indirect way, point out who is and isn't doing this to me. Read We Ain't Talkin' to hear some more thoughts on this- do not, however, stop reading this Friendships section: I have more to say.

A question comes to my mind, after a specific ordeal in the last couple of months, as to how we perceive friendships. How is it, that, someone can basically slap my face and our friendship, then continue to call me a "good friend?" How can I love someone, treat them as family, then get hurt and treated like nothing's wrong? (See the "Relationships" bullet point next for a continuation about this person.) My thoughts began to wonder to every possible time I've done something, maybe with the right or wrong intentions, and have it perceived in a way that I did not mean. Never, in any instance, do I ever mean to hurt anybody. I NEVER want to make someone feel the hurt I've felt. If I've hurt you and I don't know it, I want you to tell me so I can ask your forgiveness personally. Know that I never meant to hurt you.

I know there are a few times I've snapped, especially recently, due to stress and the conversations I've had. I know that in those instances, I had immediate remorse, but for whatever reason I keep finding myself unable to go back and fess up and apologize. The more stressed I get, the more reactive and volatile I become. I destabilize. And currently, the amount of stress on me is nearly killing me. Please, I know this is a lot to ask for, but have patience with me, even when I lack it with you.


#4: Relationships

Relationships have always been a rocky road for me. I've been in a handful and several times things have gone badly. I do not wish to seek advice regarding my relationships, since every time I have, it has gone awfully wrong. I value your opinions, and I may not follow it, but I still value it. The last time I followed advice (following the general consensus from all my friends), I got less-than-friend-zoned. I don't think I ever told anybody about what happened there, and I don't think I will because it will simply be a stumbling block for myself. Just know the response made me feel sick to my stomach.

Moving away from that, I've had four previous relationships, as I've described before. 1st wasn't good, got cheated on. 2nd, not so good, was peer pressured into it. 3rd, awful, just freaking awful. 4th faded in and out, but I at least enjoyed it somewhat. The whole topic of relationships is a bit of rocky territory. If I'm unable to keep what I have now, I might just quit it all together. I've had enough people rub it in my face that I'm worthless or not worth their time that I'm sick of being treated like that. So I'm not going to try anymore

There have been a few instances where I had a serious crush on someone, maybe about three times in the last two or three years. All three of those ended with me getting wrecked hard for at least a week each. I still hold affection for those three, although it's not the same kind. ...In actuality, all three of the targets have actually hurt me in the process. Continuing on from the parenthesis in #3, one of the people to hurt me the most recently was someone that I loved and cared for kind of deeply. I can say this with a great deal of certainty that the person will never read this. If they do, I'll be surprised. ^A

Looking at all this, I have to wonder why I keep going back over and over into the same trap of making myself vulnerable for the off-chance that someone would take me for who I am. My only answer is that I crave the affection and love I receive from those around I love. It's the only thing that has ever effectively and consistently made me feel like my time here is worth it- like I'm something more than a rag to be used and tossed away continually.


#5: Doubt

I have doubts, yes. They are not tied to God, but instead myself. I can easily understand why people wouldn't want to date me. That's not hard at all. I'm a willingly-straight bisexual picky eater with acne born with a chest deformation that could kill me, and I had a steel bar installed in my chest to fix it, and I also have a series of speech impediments and I've been molested once. I'm also a learning Christian with a foundation of knowledge set on absolute philosophies, ethics, and evidentialist and philosophical sciences. I'm twenty, 6'3",160 lbs., and a computer scientist.

All of that, apparently, has made me pretty undesirable. Nothing about any of that entitles me to anything. But I don't want your pity or any entitlements. I want your respect. I'm a human being, not a cardboard cutout.


#6: Faith

This is about the only area in my life that's going in somewhat a positive direction. The only inhibition I've had with my faith has stemmed from Christians, unsurprisingly. A lot of talks at my church has been about how Christians should behave and how the Church is supposed to have unity, but as far as I can tell outside of my Church, the opposite continues to happen.

I know that without a doubt God exists. I'm still learning how to have a relationship with the Creator who made me. This is where I'm struggling the most. Conveniently (<- not really what I mean, you know), I had a book about this lent to me from my Pastor about this.


#7: Fear

At this point in my life, I'm very much afraid. Of more things than ever in my life. Myself, friends, college, the future, job, money, love, rejection, messing up, sinning.


I'm out of words, guys... I have more to say, it's just that my brain has effectively shut down. It's 4:35 AM and I can't sleep.

Just know that I love you.

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A - I still worry for this person. I still feel that their heart is in the wrong place and that they're with someone that's going to take advantage of them. I have concerns. I don't trust their judgment. It's like watching something bad happen and being unable to stop it or unable to affect it. I'm grieved deeply.