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A Personal Revelation
11 years ago
General
Fair warning, I will be talking about sex, sexuality, my own body, and my opinions. If this doesn't interest you, feel free to return to your pornings eslewhere.
I have had a lot of time to myself lately, and as usual that means that I have done a lot of thinking. In a conversation with a close friend, the topic of sexuality and turn-ons came up. A good hour and a lot of chatting later, and I came to a realization about myself. I think that I might be asexual.
But foxybutt; does that mean you don't like sex? What about all the porns I saw in your fave list before you hid it?
Like all questions involving sexuality, it's not a simple answer. The short answer is 'no, I don't really crave the sex act'. If you're looking for a TL;DR answer, that's it. I don't want sex for its own sake. I know it's easy for me to say that, having never experienced it, but I think it's a valid answer. Growing up, almost everyone I've talked to has had one celebrity (human or furry) that they just get instant (lady)boners for. Sex is used to peddle everything from sandwiches to vibrating rubber cocks shaped like the Virgin Mary. I just find that the thought of sex as an act by itself isn't a turn-on for me at all.
That being said, I'm still human (contrary to popular belief around here). I still have hormones, I still get awkward erections, and I still masturbate on a regular basis. To say that I don't enjoy it would be incorrect. I do; but it's not the deep enjoyment that seemingly everyone I speak to gets. It feels nice while I'm doing it, but when I'm finished, there is no 'afterglow'. I don't enjoy masturbation any more than I enjoy sneezing. It feels nice, and now I can get back to what I was doing before I started.
But I thought you said you were bisexual before? You can't just change like that, it confuses me!
Honestly, I don't see it as a change. I am equally attracted to both physical genders, and more or less equally to different sexual mindsets. In other words, I'm not really physically attracted to anything in particular. I'm not really turned off by specific genders either though, so I guess by a purely physical explanation, that would make me bisexual.
Let's back up; you said before that you didn't want sex, but you also said that you don't mind sex. What gives?
This is where things get complicated. I don't really get turned on by sexual things. Yeah, naked bodies are nice to look at (furry or otherwise), but so are landscapes. I don't crave sex, but I DO crave intimacy.
Buh? Isn't that the same thing?
No, it's really not. Sex is an act, intimacy is a mindset. For the sake of simplicity, I will use the phrase 'turn on' in this section. I mean it as something I enjoy on a deep emotional level, not in that it causes me to pop a boner.
My biggest turn-on is feeling desired. I love it when someone close to me tells me I'm beautiful/hot/cute/a nice piece of ass. One of my favorite things is when someone I like leaves me a message on Skype without me saying 'hi' first. Or when someone gives me a gift for no reason (is not christmas, birthday, or payment for something I did for them). The other end is true as well. I love surprising people with presents, and seeing/hearing their happiness. I talk to my friends/partner daily, as often as I can. The best thing that someone can do for me is to let me into their life at the deepest levels. I crave the feeling of being so comfortable with someone that I can do or say anything, and know that they will be alright with it. That I trust them so deeply that they can do or say anything to me and feel the same safety. This is where sex comes into it. I don't seek sex as an act; if I were to ever try it, it would be as a symbol of that deep intimacy I spoke about. I would love and trust that person so much that my body is theirs. They trust me the same, and we can enjoy everything that we can offer each other. Sure, the sensations would probably feel nice, but I would enjoy the emotional close-ness of the act as much - if not more - than I would the 'rubby rubby squirty squirty'
I would like to share a story with you. I won't name names, but the individual involved knows who they are.
A year ago, I was involved with someone. Everything I talked about above, I felt. We were close, could say almost anything to each other. Though we had minimal face-to-face contact via webcam, I felt that we were a good match, and would likely stay together for a long time. We role-played a little online, though it rarely went past e-cuddling. Then, they stopped talking to me. At first, it was that school stressed them out, and they couldn't find the time to come on to Skype. Then it was that their other friends were stressing them out, and that they had no desire to come online. They withdrew, cutting me out of their life. I later talked to them and found that they were trying to shield me from the pain and stress they were going through, that they wanted to work it out on their own. I know it wasn't their intention, but that was what hurt me the most. It wasn't the silence, or the promises that fell through. It was that they felt the need to hide themselves from me. That they didn't feel comfortable enough to let me be with them at their lowest moment.
When I finally realized that I was effectively being dumped, the thoughts I went through might have been alien to many people. It wasn't "damn, now I won't get to hit that ass", or anything of the like. It wasn't the thought of them now potentially being interested in someone else. What hurt the most was that I wouldn't get to feel that zip of seeing them come online. That I wouldn't be able to e-cuddle up with them on a cold and sad night. I never really wanted them physically in any more than a passing manner. I was in love with being in love, and having that torn away has changed me.
I don't fit in with most of the furries I know. Even those who are happily mated and aren't trying to hook up, I find myself being a bit of an outsider. Everyone I talk to seems to either know me in a professional quality, or has been trying to get into my pants. I don't know how to start a relationship that is based on the relationship itself, not the sex that might come later.
Soo, why are you telling the internet this?
Because I have to tell someone. I crave being in a relationship where I can talk to the person about anything, and bounce my thoughts off them. I don't really have anyone like that right now, and I need to get these thoughts out. Quite likely nobody will read this, but at least I get the illusion of having talked to someone.
Closing summary
Feel free to post your thoughts below. I'm curious what people think about this.
I have had a lot of time to myself lately, and as usual that means that I have done a lot of thinking. In a conversation with a close friend, the topic of sexuality and turn-ons came up. A good hour and a lot of chatting later, and I came to a realization about myself. I think that I might be asexual.
But foxybutt; does that mean you don't like sex? What about all the porns I saw in your fave list before you hid it?
Like all questions involving sexuality, it's not a simple answer. The short answer is 'no, I don't really crave the sex act'. If you're looking for a TL;DR answer, that's it. I don't want sex for its own sake. I know it's easy for me to say that, having never experienced it, but I think it's a valid answer. Growing up, almost everyone I've talked to has had one celebrity (human or furry) that they just get instant (lady)boners for. Sex is used to peddle everything from sandwiches to vibrating rubber cocks shaped like the Virgin Mary. I just find that the thought of sex as an act by itself isn't a turn-on for me at all.
That being said, I'm still human (contrary to popular belief around here). I still have hormones, I still get awkward erections, and I still masturbate on a regular basis. To say that I don't enjoy it would be incorrect. I do; but it's not the deep enjoyment that seemingly everyone I speak to gets. It feels nice while I'm doing it, but when I'm finished, there is no 'afterglow'. I don't enjoy masturbation any more than I enjoy sneezing. It feels nice, and now I can get back to what I was doing before I started.
But I thought you said you were bisexual before? You can't just change like that, it confuses me!
Honestly, I don't see it as a change. I am equally attracted to both physical genders, and more or less equally to different sexual mindsets. In other words, I'm not really physically attracted to anything in particular. I'm not really turned off by specific genders either though, so I guess by a purely physical explanation, that would make me bisexual.
Let's back up; you said before that you didn't want sex, but you also said that you don't mind sex. What gives?
This is where things get complicated. I don't really get turned on by sexual things. Yeah, naked bodies are nice to look at (furry or otherwise), but so are landscapes. I don't crave sex, but I DO crave intimacy.
Buh? Isn't that the same thing?
No, it's really not. Sex is an act, intimacy is a mindset. For the sake of simplicity, I will use the phrase 'turn on' in this section. I mean it as something I enjoy on a deep emotional level, not in that it causes me to pop a boner.
My biggest turn-on is feeling desired. I love it when someone close to me tells me I'm beautiful/hot/cute/a nice piece of ass. One of my favorite things is when someone I like leaves me a message on Skype without me saying 'hi' first. Or when someone gives me a gift for no reason (is not christmas, birthday, or payment for something I did for them). The other end is true as well. I love surprising people with presents, and seeing/hearing their happiness. I talk to my friends/partner daily, as often as I can. The best thing that someone can do for me is to let me into their life at the deepest levels. I crave the feeling of being so comfortable with someone that I can do or say anything, and know that they will be alright with it. That I trust them so deeply that they can do or say anything to me and feel the same safety. This is where sex comes into it. I don't seek sex as an act; if I were to ever try it, it would be as a symbol of that deep intimacy I spoke about. I would love and trust that person so much that my body is theirs. They trust me the same, and we can enjoy everything that we can offer each other. Sure, the sensations would probably feel nice, but I would enjoy the emotional close-ness of the act as much - if not more - than I would the 'rubby rubby squirty squirty'
I would like to share a story with you. I won't name names, but the individual involved knows who they are.
A year ago, I was involved with someone. Everything I talked about above, I felt. We were close, could say almost anything to each other. Though we had minimal face-to-face contact via webcam, I felt that we were a good match, and would likely stay together for a long time. We role-played a little online, though it rarely went past e-cuddling. Then, they stopped talking to me. At first, it was that school stressed them out, and they couldn't find the time to come on to Skype. Then it was that their other friends were stressing them out, and that they had no desire to come online. They withdrew, cutting me out of their life. I later talked to them and found that they were trying to shield me from the pain and stress they were going through, that they wanted to work it out on their own. I know it wasn't their intention, but that was what hurt me the most. It wasn't the silence, or the promises that fell through. It was that they felt the need to hide themselves from me. That they didn't feel comfortable enough to let me be with them at their lowest moment.
When I finally realized that I was effectively being dumped, the thoughts I went through might have been alien to many people. It wasn't "damn, now I won't get to hit that ass", or anything of the like. It wasn't the thought of them now potentially being interested in someone else. What hurt the most was that I wouldn't get to feel that zip of seeing them come online. That I wouldn't be able to e-cuddle up with them on a cold and sad night. I never really wanted them physically in any more than a passing manner. I was in love with being in love, and having that torn away has changed me.
I don't fit in with most of the furries I know. Even those who are happily mated and aren't trying to hook up, I find myself being a bit of an outsider. Everyone I talk to seems to either know me in a professional quality, or has been trying to get into my pants. I don't know how to start a relationship that is based on the relationship itself, not the sex that might come later.
Soo, why are you telling the internet this?
Because I have to tell someone. I crave being in a relationship where I can talk to the person about anything, and bounce my thoughts off them. I don't really have anyone like that right now, and I need to get these thoughts out. Quite likely nobody will read this, but at least I get the illusion of having talked to someone.
Closing summary
- [*]No, I don't want to have sex with you[*]Yes, I am still capable of enjoying and desiring sex[*]Yes, I am single[*]If you have to ask, no, I'm not looking
Feel free to post your thoughts below. I'm curious what people think about this.
