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I'm at about the lowest point I've ever been in my life.
11 years ago
General
In spite of the fact that I tend to complain a lot, I really don't like to do so, but I really just couldn't keep this in. As the title says, I'm at the lowest point of my life. I'll warn you now that I'm complaining about stuff that's all my fault in the first place, but I still have to say it.
I'm absolutely horrible at my job. I'm a 3rd shift (overnight) stock clerk at my local grocery store. I've always been very slow at the job for some reason, but last night was just the absolute worst. Apparently, a single stock clerk is expected to be able to block (pull the first two items in the column forward) the entire store (rather, aisles 4-14 in the case of my store) in around 4 hours. Well, the only reason I've been able to even get the job done by the time my shift ended (or at least not too terribly long after) is because I've been working with another person who tended to get most of the store finished, while I could get about 5-6 aisles done by myself by the time my shift ended (usually about 6 hours).
Well, the night before last, there were only 3 people working on the truck to restock the shelves. There are usually about 5-6 people working on truck nights, and so there was a lot that was left unfinished. Because of this, the person I was working with last night had to focus on finishing up the palettes (platforms the items were brought in on) that were left over, while I was left to block the entire store myself (please note I'm not blaming anything on this other person).
Well, as I said before, a single stock clerk is expected to be able to block the entire store in around 4 hours. I took 9, and didn't even finish the store. Needless to say, my boss wasn't particularly impressed, and though she accepts that I'm at least trying to do my job, I probably won't be able to keep it very long unless I improve. They've more or less been letting me slide this whole time, but if I don't show improvement within 30 days, I'm going to start getting marked up.Thing is, I only work one night a week. That gives me 4 tries to improve, and I just feel that if I haven't improved since I started, I'm not going to be able to improve. This has led me to question why they keep me on.
My boss suggested that I be the one to make the call of whether or not I continue working here, so that it doesn't look as bad if I decide that it just isn't the job for me, as opposed to being fired. Well, the thing is, if they call me in and tell me that they're going to have to start marking me up due to a lack of improvement...then that's the day that I'm just going to have to know when to fold 'em.
While I haven't actually NEEDED a job to pay bills or support anyone, I've gotten too used to having money I can spend on myself. That's just something I don't want to give up. However, as everyone knows, it's tough out there, and I just don't think there's anyone that can or will take me, especially not GameStop, which is the job I most want to do. I know I should be sending out tons of applications, but...of the seven or eight I send out when looking for my first job, the only one that gave me a chance was the one I ended up getting. I just don't think I can do it.
Now, while my job problems are a major part of why I'm at such a low point...they're not the only problems. As I was working last night, I was becoming more and more aware of how poorly I was doing. This led me to start thinking about a lot of other things going on.
I got to thinking about how I always try to make friends on the Internet, and so many people just deem me unworthy of so much as a single chance. I don't know what it is about me, but I just tend to put people off somehow. While they would give almost anyone else who tried to be friends a chance, they somehow, right out the door, seem to find some sort of fault or problem with me before they even get to know me. As such, they don't even try to get to know me. I see all these other people they become instant best friends with, and I just wonder why. Why wasn't it like that with me? What did I do? What did I say? What have others said about me? If anyone's said anything about me, why won't they give me a chance to tell my side, to show what I'm really like? This has led me to feel like I'm not even worth a chance.
There are some that DO end up at least letting me try to talk to them a couple of times. Most of the time, though, I can never really think up a topic of conversation, though even in some of these cases, people seem to at least try to be friendly. This gives me hope that, even if we don't become particularly close, we'll at least stay friends. These hopes seem to be unfounded, however, as after a while, they eventually start to ignore me. I've never been particularly good at taking hints, though I at least know that that's hint enough that I need to tone it down a bit. See, I tend to be overly friendly from the get-go, which I understand may make some people uncomfortable, but I at least try to keep it to a minimum. As such, if people start to ignore me, I try to just send one or two messages whenever I see them. Apparently, this behavior is seen by many as being "stalker-like," and so that tends to be how so many people see me, even the aforementioned ones that never gave me a chance. Because people finally just get to the point where they've had enough of me, they block and delete me without a second word. They never say anything about whatever it is that I'm doing to upset or annoy them. They never share their true feelings with me. This has led me to believe I'm not worth being honest and forward with.
Sometimes, however, I actually end up making friends. Someone I talk to all the time, who I can carry conversations with, and enjoy the company of. Even if a long time goes by without us seeing each other, we'll still be as close as ever. Or so I thought, at least. Yes, even people that I HAVE seem to become instant best friends with, or even people that I've known for years, offer the same treatment as the previous type of people do. They'll eventually stop talking to me, most if not each time, doing so completely out of the blue. Sure, I get worried, but hey, we're friends, right? Maybe something's just going on. So, I'll say maybe one thing each time I see them. No reply. Getting a little worried. This goes on and on for a while, until eventually it gets to the point where, if they haven't blocked and deleted me with no explanation, no reason why such a beautiful friendship died out of nowhere, even if we were best friends the day prior, I start to get extremely paranoid, extremely upset. I ask for an explanation, I tell them how the same thing has happened so many times before, hoping to appeal to their humanity or any lingering sense of friendship they may feel towards me and at least get them to tell me why. Surely a reason why we were no longer friends isn't such an unreasonable request, right? Well, I guess I was wrong about that, too, and people are just content to let "friendship" die. It seems that to these people, as well, any efforts to salvage the lost friendship, talking things out, even trying to get an explanation, is seen as a stalker-like act. This has left me bitter and resentful, insecure about my current and prospective friends, distrustful, uncertain if my friends are truly my friends, and feeling like I'm not worth being friends with at all.
These feelings extend beyond merely the realms of relationships. As I'm thinking about how I'm not good enough for my job, my thoughts turn to the future. Rather, my lack of a future. Not only am I horrible at my job, I'm horrible at school. I'm almost certain I've failed at least 2 of my classes this semester. I've only barely scraped by the classes that I passed. I just never want to do the work. I can't. And so I end up wasting time and money on classes I won't even garner anything from, let alone get credits for. I'm failing college. I have no plans for the future. I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have so few interests and abilities. I have no talents. I can't do anything. I'm going to end up thousands of dollars in debt that I can't even pay off because I have no way of doing so aside from borrowing. I'm not even going to attend the next couple of semesters of college, and as I am most likely going to lose my job by then, I won't even have a job. I'll end up being a freeloader if I'm not kicked out.
In addition to having no future, I've also come to realize I have nothing going for me. I'm below average attractiveness at best. I'm overweight with no drive to remedy that. There's hardly a semblance of consistency in my voice, though the slight consistency is that it's rather annoying and unappealing. I'm not half as smart as everyone in my family seemed to believe me to be years ago. I'm not strong. I have no skills. I have no talents. I have no ambitions. I'm selfish. I'm lazy. I'm mean. I'm rude. I'm foul-mouthed. I'm ill-tempered. I'm greedy. I'm needy. I'm whiny. I'm stubborn. I'm mediocre at best at video games, some of the only things that give me any sort of pleasure. I'm incapable of helping others that are troubled, no matter how hard I try. This all has led me to believe I'm not worth anything.
This all has led me to question why I even exist.
I'm absolutely horrible at my job. I'm a 3rd shift (overnight) stock clerk at my local grocery store. I've always been very slow at the job for some reason, but last night was just the absolute worst. Apparently, a single stock clerk is expected to be able to block (pull the first two items in the column forward) the entire store (rather, aisles 4-14 in the case of my store) in around 4 hours. Well, the only reason I've been able to even get the job done by the time my shift ended (or at least not too terribly long after) is because I've been working with another person who tended to get most of the store finished, while I could get about 5-6 aisles done by myself by the time my shift ended (usually about 6 hours).
Well, the night before last, there were only 3 people working on the truck to restock the shelves. There are usually about 5-6 people working on truck nights, and so there was a lot that was left unfinished. Because of this, the person I was working with last night had to focus on finishing up the palettes (platforms the items were brought in on) that were left over, while I was left to block the entire store myself (please note I'm not blaming anything on this other person).
Well, as I said before, a single stock clerk is expected to be able to block the entire store in around 4 hours. I took 9, and didn't even finish the store. Needless to say, my boss wasn't particularly impressed, and though she accepts that I'm at least trying to do my job, I probably won't be able to keep it very long unless I improve. They've more or less been letting me slide this whole time, but if I don't show improvement within 30 days, I'm going to start getting marked up.Thing is, I only work one night a week. That gives me 4 tries to improve, and I just feel that if I haven't improved since I started, I'm not going to be able to improve. This has led me to question why they keep me on.
My boss suggested that I be the one to make the call of whether or not I continue working here, so that it doesn't look as bad if I decide that it just isn't the job for me, as opposed to being fired. Well, the thing is, if they call me in and tell me that they're going to have to start marking me up due to a lack of improvement...then that's the day that I'm just going to have to know when to fold 'em.
While I haven't actually NEEDED a job to pay bills or support anyone, I've gotten too used to having money I can spend on myself. That's just something I don't want to give up. However, as everyone knows, it's tough out there, and I just don't think there's anyone that can or will take me, especially not GameStop, which is the job I most want to do. I know I should be sending out tons of applications, but...of the seven or eight I send out when looking for my first job, the only one that gave me a chance was the one I ended up getting. I just don't think I can do it.
Now, while my job problems are a major part of why I'm at such a low point...they're not the only problems. As I was working last night, I was becoming more and more aware of how poorly I was doing. This led me to start thinking about a lot of other things going on.
I got to thinking about how I always try to make friends on the Internet, and so many people just deem me unworthy of so much as a single chance. I don't know what it is about me, but I just tend to put people off somehow. While they would give almost anyone else who tried to be friends a chance, they somehow, right out the door, seem to find some sort of fault or problem with me before they even get to know me. As such, they don't even try to get to know me. I see all these other people they become instant best friends with, and I just wonder why. Why wasn't it like that with me? What did I do? What did I say? What have others said about me? If anyone's said anything about me, why won't they give me a chance to tell my side, to show what I'm really like? This has led me to feel like I'm not even worth a chance.
There are some that DO end up at least letting me try to talk to them a couple of times. Most of the time, though, I can never really think up a topic of conversation, though even in some of these cases, people seem to at least try to be friendly. This gives me hope that, even if we don't become particularly close, we'll at least stay friends. These hopes seem to be unfounded, however, as after a while, they eventually start to ignore me. I've never been particularly good at taking hints, though I at least know that that's hint enough that I need to tone it down a bit. See, I tend to be overly friendly from the get-go, which I understand may make some people uncomfortable, but I at least try to keep it to a minimum. As such, if people start to ignore me, I try to just send one or two messages whenever I see them. Apparently, this behavior is seen by many as being "stalker-like," and so that tends to be how so many people see me, even the aforementioned ones that never gave me a chance. Because people finally just get to the point where they've had enough of me, they block and delete me without a second word. They never say anything about whatever it is that I'm doing to upset or annoy them. They never share their true feelings with me. This has led me to believe I'm not worth being honest and forward with.
Sometimes, however, I actually end up making friends. Someone I talk to all the time, who I can carry conversations with, and enjoy the company of. Even if a long time goes by without us seeing each other, we'll still be as close as ever. Or so I thought, at least. Yes, even people that I HAVE seem to become instant best friends with, or even people that I've known for years, offer the same treatment as the previous type of people do. They'll eventually stop talking to me, most if not each time, doing so completely out of the blue. Sure, I get worried, but hey, we're friends, right? Maybe something's just going on. So, I'll say maybe one thing each time I see them. No reply. Getting a little worried. This goes on and on for a while, until eventually it gets to the point where, if they haven't blocked and deleted me with no explanation, no reason why such a beautiful friendship died out of nowhere, even if we were best friends the day prior, I start to get extremely paranoid, extremely upset. I ask for an explanation, I tell them how the same thing has happened so many times before, hoping to appeal to their humanity or any lingering sense of friendship they may feel towards me and at least get them to tell me why. Surely a reason why we were no longer friends isn't such an unreasonable request, right? Well, I guess I was wrong about that, too, and people are just content to let "friendship" die. It seems that to these people, as well, any efforts to salvage the lost friendship, talking things out, even trying to get an explanation, is seen as a stalker-like act. This has left me bitter and resentful, insecure about my current and prospective friends, distrustful, uncertain if my friends are truly my friends, and feeling like I'm not worth being friends with at all.
These feelings extend beyond merely the realms of relationships. As I'm thinking about how I'm not good enough for my job, my thoughts turn to the future. Rather, my lack of a future. Not only am I horrible at my job, I'm horrible at school. I'm almost certain I've failed at least 2 of my classes this semester. I've only barely scraped by the classes that I passed. I just never want to do the work. I can't. And so I end up wasting time and money on classes I won't even garner anything from, let alone get credits for. I'm failing college. I have no plans for the future. I don't even know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I have so few interests and abilities. I have no talents. I can't do anything. I'm going to end up thousands of dollars in debt that I can't even pay off because I have no way of doing so aside from borrowing. I'm not even going to attend the next couple of semesters of college, and as I am most likely going to lose my job by then, I won't even have a job. I'll end up being a freeloader if I'm not kicked out.
In addition to having no future, I've also come to realize I have nothing going for me. I'm below average attractiveness at best. I'm overweight with no drive to remedy that. There's hardly a semblance of consistency in my voice, though the slight consistency is that it's rather annoying and unappealing. I'm not half as smart as everyone in my family seemed to believe me to be years ago. I'm not strong. I have no skills. I have no talents. I have no ambitions. I'm selfish. I'm lazy. I'm mean. I'm rude. I'm foul-mouthed. I'm ill-tempered. I'm greedy. I'm needy. I'm whiny. I'm stubborn. I'm mediocre at best at video games, some of the only things that give me any sort of pleasure. I'm incapable of helping others that are troubled, no matter how hard I try. This all has led me to believe I'm not worth anything.
This all has led me to question why I even exist.
i wish id v seen this earlier