My Feelings about my Existence:
Is it bad... that I kinda feel like.. that my existence and... the fact I even try to smile sometimes gets taken for granted like I'm always supposed to smile and be happy and not get pissed off or depressed or be sad and shit...

Like when I tell people that I don't feel appreciated... but.. I don't really have words to explain what would make me feel appreciated... It's not money.. it's not art... I just.. don't know how to explain it..

I'm sorry for venting often and stuff...
sometimes.. I just... want to be heard too...
maybe that's the answer I need...
to finally have a say in my life...

About my Social Life:
guess that doesn't really work because I don't have a job nor a house to call my own... maybe... it's because I don't have any local friends to hang out with, and all I keep reading is about how all these conventions are so awesome and how all these people keep meeting up and hanging out and... I don't really have that opportunity... but.. when I do.. I feel even more left out and.. I don't really like to open up to people that often...

Maybe that's why I feel so walked on most of the time...
But like.. if I go to a furry meetup...where people have been going to for years.. .I'm not someone to but in on conversations and inject myself in social activities... probably because... 98% of the time.. those things cost money... something.. I rarely have... and when I do.. I don't like to have it...

Yes, I have close to or more than 222 OC/Fursona... you may think I'm bragging... but I'm really not... those OC and fursona....mainly I have to try and throw myself out there... to wonder what life would be like as them...
meeting new friends..and stuff...

I might seem social and stuff online.. but really... I don't like to talk...
I talk to family and stuff yeah.. and I talk a lot... just... I'm socially awkward in person and depressed quite a lot... I just have a lot of masks to make it seem like I'm enjoying it...to make people not ask "are you okay? what can I do to help you?"

About what has happened to change my outlook on life:
I like to help everyone else... it's something I've done since I was around 13 years old. I enjoy it... it makes me feel needed... I've lost 2 friends to suicide.. one when I was 15... the second just this year in March.. both times were very hard... you try and help and it just goes poof.. I don't hate either of them... I just.. don't understand why the conversations we had didn't help... it's kinda like.. I feel like I failed them...you know?

About my relationship:
Yes. I'm engaged. and very happy in my relationship. And yes, there are days that I break down and worry about how much longer until we finally live together... LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS SUCK.
especially when people in your daily life either scoff or just blatantly ignore you when you bring up your partner in conversations...
like my relationship is any less real than yours dammit!?

If you've read through this:
Thank you... Thank you for putting up with me, for reading this, and for even taking time to notice that.. I exist...
~Charles H. 14th of December, 2014