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2015...and beyond.
11 years ago
Another year, another tear.
That's what I had in mind by new year's eve. I decided not to join any kind of celebration that day. I had nothing to celebrate, at all. Yeah, what a downer. That's why I took this decision. After all, 2014 was, if not the worst year of my life, definitely it goes into the top 5 worst years. It topped 1993, for sure, the year who marked the downfall of my family. My father went into his so-called "midlife crisis" that year, and we're still paying for it, 21 years ago, now 22. It's a whole lifetime for a person until they're old enough to drink, at least in the US of A, which is - not - where I came from. And they lie, oh hoe they lie, that someday your life's gonna improve. No, it isn't going to improve. We decay. I'm 38 years old now, and by now I can already feel the weight of the years on my back.
My depression, which seemed to be resolvedby this new medication I'm on - Parnate - is back again. The euphoria I felt on the first two weeks I took this thing, faded away. I thought it was related to my weed smoking, so I gave that up. Didn't help. I've been stone sober for a month now, and yet I feel miserable. I have no drive at all. I don't want to do anything, but remain here, away from all these people, all the people, even my few friends and family.
I 've always knew I was a misanthrope, but it has evolved, into a word that isn't even on dictionaries, but I claim as my neologism: misanthrophobia. I can't be around people anymore, no matter if I'm at a mall, or simply walking on a street downtown. I feel the urge to flee, to be here, in my so-called loft that I am very grateful to have all for myself.
But, just like a tumblr comment I saw the other day, even though i like being alone, I don't fancy loneliness, as weird as it may sound. My whole life, I was expecting to find someone at this age. Not only that, I wish I had my shit figured out by now too, back 20 or so years ago. I thought I'd have it all sorted out by now.
I'm almost 40. Middle age. Midlife crisis, if you will, is tearing me apart. And even though I do believe in a superior power, some deity ruling us...even that notion is crumbling apart by now. If there is some sort of god watching us, that's all he/she/it does - it gets its laughs off our misfortunes. We're a bad game os Sims, to this force. That's what I tend to believe.
Most people don't smoke tobbacco nowadays, because they know it's bad for the body. That's exactly why I took on smoking by the age of 37. To shorten my time on this hell-hole. And yes, I often think about suicide, but I don't want to cause that sort of pain on my sisters and my mom. Myfather and brother, they can go fuck themselves. I don't care about neither one of them.
I wished I had something to live for...but these days, the only thing I look forward to is receiving all the shit I purchased on eBay last year, which generally takes a month or more to arrive at my country. How sad is that?
I gave up on the idea of finding a mate, because I feel there's only two things to expect from a relationship with a guy like me: either he'd leave, because I'm moody and broke, and can't stand even to go to a bar, or I'd make his life so miserable, being myself, that he'd leave.
I am nobody. Living in an attic, with only my imaginary pet dragon as a friend, I'm broke all the time - right now I have something around US$ 0,50 at my bank account, and 3 dollars left on my credit card. Who the fuck would want to cling to such a financial disaster like I am?
I can't draw anymore. I don't want to write anymore, becuse nobody reads nothing longer than 8 lines of text nowadays.
I am this walking corpse. That's what I am. That's how it will end. Me, myself and I, dying of lung cancer or something else, all alone in here. If I ever get this cancer, I'll refuse treatment. That's how I want to go out.
Better than burn out than to fade away, I guess.
That's what I had in mind by new year's eve. I decided not to join any kind of celebration that day. I had nothing to celebrate, at all. Yeah, what a downer. That's why I took this decision. After all, 2014 was, if not the worst year of my life, definitely it goes into the top 5 worst years. It topped 1993, for sure, the year who marked the downfall of my family. My father went into his so-called "midlife crisis" that year, and we're still paying for it, 21 years ago, now 22. It's a whole lifetime for a person until they're old enough to drink, at least in the US of A, which is - not - where I came from. And they lie, oh hoe they lie, that someday your life's gonna improve. No, it isn't going to improve. We decay. I'm 38 years old now, and by now I can already feel the weight of the years on my back.
My depression, which seemed to be resolvedby this new medication I'm on - Parnate - is back again. The euphoria I felt on the first two weeks I took this thing, faded away. I thought it was related to my weed smoking, so I gave that up. Didn't help. I've been stone sober for a month now, and yet I feel miserable. I have no drive at all. I don't want to do anything, but remain here, away from all these people, all the people, even my few friends and family.
I 've always knew I was a misanthrope, but it has evolved, into a word that isn't even on dictionaries, but I claim as my neologism: misanthrophobia. I can't be around people anymore, no matter if I'm at a mall, or simply walking on a street downtown. I feel the urge to flee, to be here, in my so-called loft that I am very grateful to have all for myself.
But, just like a tumblr comment I saw the other day, even though i like being alone, I don't fancy loneliness, as weird as it may sound. My whole life, I was expecting to find someone at this age. Not only that, I wish I had my shit figured out by now too, back 20 or so years ago. I thought I'd have it all sorted out by now.
I'm almost 40. Middle age. Midlife crisis, if you will, is tearing me apart. And even though I do believe in a superior power, some deity ruling us...even that notion is crumbling apart by now. If there is some sort of god watching us, that's all he/she/it does - it gets its laughs off our misfortunes. We're a bad game os Sims, to this force. That's what I tend to believe.
Most people don't smoke tobbacco nowadays, because they know it's bad for the body. That's exactly why I took on smoking by the age of 37. To shorten my time on this hell-hole. And yes, I often think about suicide, but I don't want to cause that sort of pain on my sisters and my mom. Myfather and brother, they can go fuck themselves. I don't care about neither one of them.
I wished I had something to live for...but these days, the only thing I look forward to is receiving all the shit I purchased on eBay last year, which generally takes a month or more to arrive at my country. How sad is that?
I gave up on the idea of finding a mate, because I feel there's only two things to expect from a relationship with a guy like me: either he'd leave, because I'm moody and broke, and can't stand even to go to a bar, or I'd make his life so miserable, being myself, that he'd leave.
I am nobody. Living in an attic, with only my imaginary pet dragon as a friend, I'm broke all the time - right now I have something around US$ 0,50 at my bank account, and 3 dollars left on my credit card. Who the fuck would want to cling to such a financial disaster like I am?
I can't draw anymore. I don't want to write anymore, becuse nobody reads nothing longer than 8 lines of text nowadays.
I am this walking corpse. That's what I am. That's how it will end. Me, myself and I, dying of lung cancer or something else, all alone in here. If I ever get this cancer, I'll refuse treatment. That's how I want to go out.
Better than burn out than to fade away, I guess.
