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Dear Journal, thanks...
10 years ago
Dear journal.
I know I don’t talk to you at all that much, anymore. But I just need something to express myself with.
Lately I’ve been getting a lot stress; just a lot. Work doesn’t make it any better. Too many customers wanting their food three seconds after they order it. God forbid we make a mistake on it. I know accidents happen, but its like it’s unacceptable for a human to make a mistake in food service. Not only that but my workload just shot out the roof. Being a manager and doing an employee’s job full time really takes its toll.
And since I’ve been doing nothing but working, and too tired to do anything else, I’ve been just lonely. I feel like a dog trapped in his cage. The four corners of this prison feels like it’s slowly closing in on me. In a normal circumstance I would be hanging out with friends, having a good time. Enjoying life. But not anymore, not after four months ago. Something happened, I don’t know what. I was in love. Enjoying it, then it turned for the worst. I’m not sure if I did it, or said something to make it happen. But I went from loving my boyfriend to being terrified and afraid, afraid of talking to my friends that I normally talk too. Terrified that I might do something that will make him lash out or something. I don’t know, my relationship started falling apart. And now I feel like I’m the one holding him back. I should end it, but… I don’t know. Failing relationships are never a good thing.
And now that he’s in jail (yeah there’s a whole other story involving that I rather not get into), I’ve just been thinking and feeling even lonelier. My roller coaster is nothing but small inclines and deep drop sometimes, and then a small, ascending turn, to which it drops back down. But there is a small glimmer of hope.
I don’t know. I kept it in the back of my mind; every now and then it would pop up in my dreams. And then I would cry because I just missed it. I still remember how it felt being with him. This person. This special person who doesn’t think of him as such, but it doesn’t matter. Call a rose by any other name. It’s still a rose and beautiful, right? Mmm, this coyote, I’m sure he’ll probably read this, but whatever. I just need this out of my chest, journal. I mean I can’t do it normally; I haven’t really spilt myself to my friends that I started talking too.
Ever since I first met him I couldn’t stop talking to him. At first I would see him online on the chat, and I would talk to him. I was depressed at the time, yeah. Like I am now, but probably not as bad as I once was, or it could be worse now that it once was; who knows, I digress. Anyways, I would talk to him, tell him what I’m going though, spilt my heart out to him. And naturally he would talk back, and by the way he spoke (typed), I just felt better. All my problems disappeared and I was happy again. I still feel this way, even after the long hiatus that formed between us. But now it’s different. I’m not sure, but I think he’s also in a failing relationship. But I don’t want to step in, not yet. Not again. I still felt bad after the first time when I stuck my nose and… basically broke a relationship off and stepped in. Not again, I should wait. Or just not even think about it, but I can’t. I lose sleep sometimes, just thinking about him. Waiting for him to get on so I can talk to him about our day, what’s happening, so on and so forth. There are times where I we would do this, other times I miss him or he never gets on. Which saddens me, but I move on. I’m starting to dream about him. God, I sound like a complete stocker. Shit. Well, anyways back to spilling my heart out.
My dreams consist of just visits. Finally meeting the person I crushed on. And when I have those dreams I wake up feeling the best that I have in a long time. I felt like I got a great night sleep, no worries in my mind, just another beautiful day in paradise. But those dreams are few and far between. There I just some things that I wish I had the courage to ask him, but I’m extremely afraid of what the answer might be. I shouldn’t, but I am. Some questions would include, probably I don’t know…
Would we ever be with each other? Go out on a date? Even see each other some day? Do we even share the same feelings for each other?
I would ask these questions, but every time I want to talk to him, start out the conversation, I feel like I’m intruding. Like I’m actually bothering him because I’m being all… eeee! I also feel like I try poking at him, you know start a conversation, he just ignores it, a “oh, it’s John, what does he want now.” Or is it just my mind. I get so confused some times, I don’t know if these are actual fears, or truth, or just my self-conscious mind making stuff up, or maybe a mixture between all three. Yeah I know there’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’, but what can I say. Or maybe it’s just my mind and soul trying to just reach out and connect with someone. Because I do get very lonely some times, me being alone isn’t all that great of a mixture.
Truth be told, though. I would, in all honesty, be back with the greatest person in my life. But that selfish of me, isn’t it? Some times I wonder why? And how come? But I do envision myself going through the process of just going up North and visiting. Or he coming down and visiting. Either way, or meeting halfway, who knows.
I do feel like a bother some times. And if the coyote does read this, I hope that he doesn’t think weirdly of me, or I’m intruding or whatever…
But, thanks again journal, for listening and being there. You’re just like the bear I sleep with… always there to comfort me when I really need someone.
Thanks…
Traska…
I know I don’t talk to you at all that much, anymore. But I just need something to express myself with.
Lately I’ve been getting a lot stress; just a lot. Work doesn’t make it any better. Too many customers wanting their food three seconds after they order it. God forbid we make a mistake on it. I know accidents happen, but its like it’s unacceptable for a human to make a mistake in food service. Not only that but my workload just shot out the roof. Being a manager and doing an employee’s job full time really takes its toll.
And since I’ve been doing nothing but working, and too tired to do anything else, I’ve been just lonely. I feel like a dog trapped in his cage. The four corners of this prison feels like it’s slowly closing in on me. In a normal circumstance I would be hanging out with friends, having a good time. Enjoying life. But not anymore, not after four months ago. Something happened, I don’t know what. I was in love. Enjoying it, then it turned for the worst. I’m not sure if I did it, or said something to make it happen. But I went from loving my boyfriend to being terrified and afraid, afraid of talking to my friends that I normally talk too. Terrified that I might do something that will make him lash out or something. I don’t know, my relationship started falling apart. And now I feel like I’m the one holding him back. I should end it, but… I don’t know. Failing relationships are never a good thing.
And now that he’s in jail (yeah there’s a whole other story involving that I rather not get into), I’ve just been thinking and feeling even lonelier. My roller coaster is nothing but small inclines and deep drop sometimes, and then a small, ascending turn, to which it drops back down. But there is a small glimmer of hope.
I don’t know. I kept it in the back of my mind; every now and then it would pop up in my dreams. And then I would cry because I just missed it. I still remember how it felt being with him. This person. This special person who doesn’t think of him as such, but it doesn’t matter. Call a rose by any other name. It’s still a rose and beautiful, right? Mmm, this coyote, I’m sure he’ll probably read this, but whatever. I just need this out of my chest, journal. I mean I can’t do it normally; I haven’t really spilt myself to my friends that I started talking too.
Ever since I first met him I couldn’t stop talking to him. At first I would see him online on the chat, and I would talk to him. I was depressed at the time, yeah. Like I am now, but probably not as bad as I once was, or it could be worse now that it once was; who knows, I digress. Anyways, I would talk to him, tell him what I’m going though, spilt my heart out to him. And naturally he would talk back, and by the way he spoke (typed), I just felt better. All my problems disappeared and I was happy again. I still feel this way, even after the long hiatus that formed between us. But now it’s different. I’m not sure, but I think he’s also in a failing relationship. But I don’t want to step in, not yet. Not again. I still felt bad after the first time when I stuck my nose and… basically broke a relationship off and stepped in. Not again, I should wait. Or just not even think about it, but I can’t. I lose sleep sometimes, just thinking about him. Waiting for him to get on so I can talk to him about our day, what’s happening, so on and so forth. There are times where I we would do this, other times I miss him or he never gets on. Which saddens me, but I move on. I’m starting to dream about him. God, I sound like a complete stocker. Shit. Well, anyways back to spilling my heart out.
My dreams consist of just visits. Finally meeting the person I crushed on. And when I have those dreams I wake up feeling the best that I have in a long time. I felt like I got a great night sleep, no worries in my mind, just another beautiful day in paradise. But those dreams are few and far between. There I just some things that I wish I had the courage to ask him, but I’m extremely afraid of what the answer might be. I shouldn’t, but I am. Some questions would include, probably I don’t know…
Would we ever be with each other? Go out on a date? Even see each other some day? Do we even share the same feelings for each other?
I would ask these questions, but every time I want to talk to him, start out the conversation, I feel like I’m intruding. Like I’m actually bothering him because I’m being all… eeee! I also feel like I try poking at him, you know start a conversation, he just ignores it, a “oh, it’s John, what does he want now.” Or is it just my mind. I get so confused some times, I don’t know if these are actual fears, or truth, or just my self-conscious mind making stuff up, or maybe a mixture between all three. Yeah I know there’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’, but what can I say. Or maybe it’s just my mind and soul trying to just reach out and connect with someone. Because I do get very lonely some times, me being alone isn’t all that great of a mixture.
Truth be told, though. I would, in all honesty, be back with the greatest person in my life. But that selfish of me, isn’t it? Some times I wonder why? And how come? But I do envision myself going through the process of just going up North and visiting. Or he coming down and visiting. Either way, or meeting halfway, who knows.
I do feel like a bother some times. And if the coyote does read this, I hope that he doesn’t think weirdly of me, or I’m intruding or whatever…
But, thanks again journal, for listening and being there. You’re just like the bear I sleep with… always there to comfort me when I really need someone.
Thanks…
Traska…
