This is a post I i've been putting off, but I think it's high time I finally push myself into it. At the very least I owe you guys that much. AS A HEADS UP BEFORE READING ON: the following is not all sunshine and rainbows like I wish it could be, so if you'd rather pass over this text wall for your own psychological soundness or well being, that is entirely okay. Taking care of yourself should always, always come first, and just know that my sincere appreciation for you being here is not diminished.

So. January has yet to prove itself the grand turnaround month I was hoping for on health. I feel like i've been stagnating in a haze; it's like my whole life's just been eaten by sleeping, trying to sleep and, most prevalently, food.

That last bit has become frustratingly all-consuming. I've stopped eating processed sugar and basically anything excessively sweet, salty, strong tasting, or greasy in its entirety since getting sick in the first place, and my appetite still hasn't come back over the past three-ish months. I have to sit there and ask myself regularly whether I've hit my caloric baseline for the day or if I need to eat more, because I know full-well that I need to in order to maintain weight and be a functional human being, but man, is the whole desire for food thing shot. Super dumb, right? Eating's one of those activities I used to take for granted as a mindless thing that just worked itself out, and now it feels like this basic life sustaining checkmark on my list of day-to-day stuff is constantly a fight.

At this point I really don't know how much of my persisting symptoms are the mono hanging on, or if I've let the food frustration combined with some other silly real life things actually push me in another direction entirely. As much as it pains me to say it (a part of me feels like I'm somehow 'failing' just by caving to it, despite my higher brain knowing better-- we're all terrible hypocrites about self judgement), I think I might be depressed. Apparently my parents have been thinking the same thing, and the torpor/changes in appetite can also be symptomatic of clinical depression.

Psychologically, I'll admit: being out of commission and away from my art-- and you guys-- has been pretty crushing, which may be turning into a hard cycle of lacking productivity > distress > feeling incomplete > depression > lacking productivity again. I miss art and streaming so much it hurts. I miss all of you guys. I've always prided myself on being a generally happy person and artist, so the idea of actually "letting" this happen to me is frustrating, especially when I have so much wonderful support and a fairly stable life compared to so many. I'm an incredibly lucky bastard in the grand scheme of things, and I'm fully aware of that. I want to be there for all of you, and I want to be myself again. I don't really feel whole right now, and I don't want this to turn into the same caliber of 'down' that happened the last time, either. I'm not allowing that.

I have an appointment with my doctor on the 28th to finally address things, hopefully for the last time. Chances are high that I'll be on some depression medication for a little while, and I'm hoping that it'll break this for good, because I would love to feel energetic and worthwhile again, and maybe get over this hump of a thing so basic as eating being hard.

I'll also be (finally) trying to slog through some of my backed up inbox today, and I apologize (though it may make me sound like a broken record) for having been so here-and-gone, or slow to read, or terrible at getting back to things. To my Patreon people, I still absolutely intend to get to things there. None of you will be shorted your incredibly kind support rewards for the past couple of months as soon as I'm back up and running again. To those couple of people still with work I've agreed to but not yet completed, I will also be getting to it as soon as I'm able. And if for any reason, someone who falls under this 'money has been paid but work not completed yet' umbrella would like a refund (even for Patreon donations), please, feel free to request it. I'll never begrudge anyone for understandable frustration due to my lag; the lot of you have just been incredible throughout this mess, and I want you all to know that I appreciate it.

This is not the end of me, and it sure as hell won't keep me down forever. Of the few things I know for sure, that's one of them. I know I said it earlier, but I miss the hell out of you guys, both to the people who've been kind enough to reach out and the people who've just thought good things in passing, and I appreciate you all so very, very much-- more than some impersonal little text box in a journal can convey. Take care of yourselves, know that you are always worth treating kindly, and be well out there.

Sincerely,
-Hanmonster