Hello lil furs, grown ups furs and eveyone else. I write this journal because i want to ask you an advice. I know that i don't usually write journals and that i don't know the majority of you, but i'm hoping that someone will read this post and just leave a word or two. In any case, thank you so much for reading what i'll write.. i really appreciate it *hugglez*.
I'm experiencing a serious "turning poin" in my life, if i can call it like this. It's about a month that i left home after the umptheenth discussion with my parents, a conflict transformed in a real fight, because my father decided it was cool to put his hands on me. For short, the day after that fight i just fled home like a thief and went to a friend.
Now.. these times i'm having experience with a very bad depression, the one you wake up in the morning and you just ask yourself why you're waking up again. My relationship with my family went worse and worse since that moment that i described up there. Why this? Well.. i don't know if someone of you have passed through that singular day when you suddenly stop yourself and think: "Wait.. but.. i'm just doing with my life the things that my mom wants.. i'm just surviving in this world for accomplish what others are expecting from me" THAT moment is the moment when every crumble in ruins on you, because you're not anything anymore, you've been for 22 years what the others wanted you to be, and now that you realize that.. you're simply nothing and it's hard to call yourself "someone".
From that day.. i just keep waking up, going through boring days without sense at all, trying to smile to the others and fake that i'm okay, or no telling anything at all.
Yesterday, i log up on my FB and i saw a message from a group of friends who just raged up with me because i'm not letting know anything to them of this story, and for them i just want to making suffer the one i love. I tryed to explain them that i'm just excluding them from my escape because i didn't want to hurt them, but they keep rage at me, and that's making me feel more and more miserable.
I keep asking myself what to do now, what i did wrong.. if i'm really doing something so bad and stupid. I just wanted some peace and some small happiness and the people who should understand me better just get mad to me because "i don't want to tell them about my problems, i'm a coward just fleeding from them, an asshole with no respect of their friendship.." and so much more.
I ALWAYS think about myself like a person with a difficult time in every relationship.. now i'm getting sure that i'm a totally disaster.
I feel worth nothing, just a waste of space in this world and still i'm trying to smile, to be.. "normal" with others, to keep my pain inside me. I just decided to not answer any of my parent's messages, but they involved in the situation all my friends, so now it's a messier situation than before.
I really don't know what to do now, i keep going away from friend to friend because i feel like a shit to be a burden for them, but i don't know either what to do with my life, because i'm not anyone, and it's like if i was a child, with the whole childhood in front of him for developing a "self". I'm 22.. and i don't know anymore who i am, what to do, how to relationship with people i love.. how to live.
If you red this all.. well.. thank you very much, even if you decide not to comment. Maybe.. if someone will experience my situation, after read this he will not commit the same errors that i'm falling into them.
Thanks also to anyone who decide to answer this journal. It means so much for me.. believe that.
An hug to everyone and stay always happy and bouncy.

Alvin