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A Note of Thanks - Really Freaking Long
10 years ago
❤
❤
Woods Dwellers FTW
On 4/27/12 I lost the first person I had chosen to trust completely after years and years of mental and physical abuse that almost turned into full on sexual abuse at the
hands of my own mom, her third husband and my brother. That man was my rock, my inspiration and my encouragement. He meant everything to me.
When I first met him I had been surprisingly popular online. I had to juggle multiple chat windows during busy hours (I really don't miss that, to be honest). After I started dating him I slowly lost all of those friends except one. I lost them for various reasons but he was the center of it. I refused to believe he would cheat on me, I refused to cheat on him or dump him to date people I thought were friends, etc.
My own dad encouraged me to dump him 3 years into our relationship after finding out he was Navy. He said he'd break my heart. I told him he was worrying over nothing and he would never cheat on me. I didn't care if I lost my "friends" because I believed in him but I struggled to convince my dad that if he did decide to dump me he'd be decent enough to do so before hooking up with someone else.
Unfortunately, I was wrong and should have, at least, trusted my dad's wisdom. On that day my world shattered as he told me he had, in fact, been cheating on me and was much happier with that person and wanted to marry them. He placed the blame largely on me. I asked why I wasn't good enough, what had I done wrong. He never answered no matter how many times I begged him to tell me. He told me how great the new person was while tearing down every bit of confidence he had given me over the years. The irony of his actions was that he had initially refused to date me years before because he said every girl he had ever dated had cheated on him and he didn't want to ever feel like that ever again. This time he decided to inflict that pain.
In another unfortunate turn, he decided to injure someone who was already broken and struggling with hidden depression and a constant overdose of anxiety as it was. I laid in bed for months after that barely eating, crying every time I managed to hydrate myself and vomiting. Some days I would just stare into space without seeing anything and not knowing how much time had passed. I tried to commit suicide twice while the people around me were too busy arguing about who would date me next. My life at that moment was lonelier, darker and more desperate than any other time in my life. I dropped all contact with my dad because I couldn't face him, which hurt him. I cut myself off from everything slowly. I stopped drawing because I didn't feel the flare of inspiration I used to have despite how many compliments my pony art received. I went through the motions of daily life while hiding my pain from those around me because I was afraid to trust anyone again.
Worse still, was that I continued to love him as much as I always had and still do. I couldn't bring myself to hate him and still can't. It made me feel confused, angry and depressed. I felt the longing for him just as I always did between his visits and some nights I still dream that it was all a nightmare only to wake up and realize he's gone. I lost more than just a man I loved and cherished that day. I lost a best friend and the person who made me start to believe in myself after years of hating everything about me that makes me who I am.
During the time of my first suicide attempt two people came to my side. Xander sat at my bedside daily begging me to eat and drink, he would sit up at night and comb my hair or just sit quietly with me while I cried. He stopped both of my attempts at suicide and introduced me to new things to keep my mind off of my pain and wanting to die. Ces, who had been my only friend to stay with me after I started dating my lost one, stayed with me online when he could and let me talk and rant and gave the best advice he had.
When I had a sudden, crippling relapse and tried again at suicide I asked Xander to take me to a doctor. I told him I needed help. I needed the medication I had been
refusing since I was a teenager. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. We didn't really have the money but he made it work so I could get better and Jay sent money to help as he could.
It's been a long road since then. I still cry at night sometimes though it is, thankfully, rare these days. I can't look at my old photos, even the ones without him in them, without my stomach turning at times when I'm particularly sensitive. I had Xander box up everything from those years until I feel I can bring them out again without pain. There were 4 years consumed with him, times that had been happy, times I felt content and at peace that now bring me pain.
I sometimes flinch when I tell a story that involves him and bring back the pain. I'm getting better though. I can tell a lot of the stories and just laugh about the stupid, silly things he used to do. It's thanks to Xander and Ces that I can do that and am alive today. It's thanks to my doctor that I stopped feeling suicidal. (Though it is also thanks to her that I have an ulcer so I am in the market for a new doctor still.) It's thanks to my own resilience and ability to believe in people again as well as Ces and Xander that I can smile and laugh today.
February 12th will mark my 26th year. It was a birthday I looked forward to more than any other since the day I met him. This was the year he was going to be retiring
from the Navy. As my birthday draws closer I sometimes feel giddy and then the crippling pain returns as I remember the reason I feel giddy no longer exists. I want to take this year and my failed attempts at killing myself to aim for a new life, a happier life with less pain and more good memories. I want to spend my new life treasuring Ces and Xander and dream new dreams.
Who knows what this year will bring for me but I hope I can give as much to Xander and Ces as they give to me. I hope I'll get better and better every day. I hope someday I'll be able to live without the mental pains my life has given me so far. Unfortunately, I won't be rid of the physical pains but that's what doctors are for. I want to try to get into drawing again and reconnect with my dad. I'm also finally getting chickens and I'll be building a huge garden. I have a sewing machine now too. My grandparents, in the form of their ashes, will be coming to live with me too! I haven't seen them since I last saw my dad years ago. I believe my life this year will be good.
Thank you, Ces and Xander. I wouldn't be here without you. You guys are my true foundation. Without you I could never have built myself back up. I hope we'll be together for our lives. I'll need at least that much time to repay you both for giving me my own life back. Here's to another round of Halo, another marathon of Dr. Who and many more years of friendship. I love you guys with every fiber of my being and always will.
hands of my own mom, her third husband and my brother. That man was my rock, my inspiration and my encouragement. He meant everything to me.
When I first met him I had been surprisingly popular online. I had to juggle multiple chat windows during busy hours (I really don't miss that, to be honest). After I started dating him I slowly lost all of those friends except one. I lost them for various reasons but he was the center of it. I refused to believe he would cheat on me, I refused to cheat on him or dump him to date people I thought were friends, etc.
My own dad encouraged me to dump him 3 years into our relationship after finding out he was Navy. He said he'd break my heart. I told him he was worrying over nothing and he would never cheat on me. I didn't care if I lost my "friends" because I believed in him but I struggled to convince my dad that if he did decide to dump me he'd be decent enough to do so before hooking up with someone else.
Unfortunately, I was wrong and should have, at least, trusted my dad's wisdom. On that day my world shattered as he told me he had, in fact, been cheating on me and was much happier with that person and wanted to marry them. He placed the blame largely on me. I asked why I wasn't good enough, what had I done wrong. He never answered no matter how many times I begged him to tell me. He told me how great the new person was while tearing down every bit of confidence he had given me over the years. The irony of his actions was that he had initially refused to date me years before because he said every girl he had ever dated had cheated on him and he didn't want to ever feel like that ever again. This time he decided to inflict that pain.
In another unfortunate turn, he decided to injure someone who was already broken and struggling with hidden depression and a constant overdose of anxiety as it was. I laid in bed for months after that barely eating, crying every time I managed to hydrate myself and vomiting. Some days I would just stare into space without seeing anything and not knowing how much time had passed. I tried to commit suicide twice while the people around me were too busy arguing about who would date me next. My life at that moment was lonelier, darker and more desperate than any other time in my life. I dropped all contact with my dad because I couldn't face him, which hurt him. I cut myself off from everything slowly. I stopped drawing because I didn't feel the flare of inspiration I used to have despite how many compliments my pony art received. I went through the motions of daily life while hiding my pain from those around me because I was afraid to trust anyone again.
Worse still, was that I continued to love him as much as I always had and still do. I couldn't bring myself to hate him and still can't. It made me feel confused, angry and depressed. I felt the longing for him just as I always did between his visits and some nights I still dream that it was all a nightmare only to wake up and realize he's gone. I lost more than just a man I loved and cherished that day. I lost a best friend and the person who made me start to believe in myself after years of hating everything about me that makes me who I am.
During the time of my first suicide attempt two people came to my side. Xander sat at my bedside daily begging me to eat and drink, he would sit up at night and comb my hair or just sit quietly with me while I cried. He stopped both of my attempts at suicide and introduced me to new things to keep my mind off of my pain and wanting to die. Ces, who had been my only friend to stay with me after I started dating my lost one, stayed with me online when he could and let me talk and rant and gave the best advice he had.
When I had a sudden, crippling relapse and tried again at suicide I asked Xander to take me to a doctor. I told him I needed help. I needed the medication I had been
refusing since I was a teenager. I didn't want to die, I just wanted the pain to stop. We didn't really have the money but he made it work so I could get better and Jay sent money to help as he could.
It's been a long road since then. I still cry at night sometimes though it is, thankfully, rare these days. I can't look at my old photos, even the ones without him in them, without my stomach turning at times when I'm particularly sensitive. I had Xander box up everything from those years until I feel I can bring them out again without pain. There were 4 years consumed with him, times that had been happy, times I felt content and at peace that now bring me pain.
I sometimes flinch when I tell a story that involves him and bring back the pain. I'm getting better though. I can tell a lot of the stories and just laugh about the stupid, silly things he used to do. It's thanks to Xander and Ces that I can do that and am alive today. It's thanks to my doctor that I stopped feeling suicidal. (Though it is also thanks to her that I have an ulcer so I am in the market for a new doctor still.) It's thanks to my own resilience and ability to believe in people again as well as Ces and Xander that I can smile and laugh today.
February 12th will mark my 26th year. It was a birthday I looked forward to more than any other since the day I met him. This was the year he was going to be retiring
from the Navy. As my birthday draws closer I sometimes feel giddy and then the crippling pain returns as I remember the reason I feel giddy no longer exists. I want to take this year and my failed attempts at killing myself to aim for a new life, a happier life with less pain and more good memories. I want to spend my new life treasuring Ces and Xander and dream new dreams.
Who knows what this year will bring for me but I hope I can give as much to Xander and Ces as they give to me. I hope I'll get better and better every day. I hope someday I'll be able to live without the mental pains my life has given me so far. Unfortunately, I won't be rid of the physical pains but that's what doctors are for. I want to try to get into drawing again and reconnect with my dad. I'm also finally getting chickens and I'll be building a huge garden. I have a sewing machine now too. My grandparents, in the form of their ashes, will be coming to live with me too! I haven't seen them since I last saw my dad years ago. I believe my life this year will be good.
Thank you, Ces and Xander. I wouldn't be here without you. You guys are my true foundation. Without you I could never have built myself back up. I hope we'll be together for our lives. I'll need at least that much time to repay you both for giving me my own life back. Here's to another round of Halo, another marathon of Dr. Who and many more years of friendship. I love you guys with every fiber of my being and always will.
I still consider you one of my good internet buddies, even if we don't keep in contact much. Speaking of which, my skype is emmy_fluff if you ever just wanna chat. You're an awesome person and I certainly wouldn't mind hearing from you. :3
I promised a much more substantial response and I'm sorry, but my words fail me. I have no words to express how much you mean to me. My world would be a much darker place without you in it, so thank you. Thank you for being in my life.
These words are enough. You don't need to say much for me to know your feelings *hugs*