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Stupid phobia
11 years ago
So this is probably going to be read by all of nobody, but I feel like I need to type it up anyway.
I have always been deathly afraid of pain-medications, tranquilizers, sleep-aides, and anesthetics. I'm fine with needles, I'm chill with surgery, but the actual substances that reduce one's ability to feel and interpret pain are such a trigger for me that even hearing about them affects my daily life for the next week. I understand that this is ridiculous, but there's nothing I've been able to do. I even spent last night wracking my brain trying to deconstruct the logical fallacies. For the most part, I managed to reassure myself that nothing would go wrong if I were in a situation where I would need to be under the influence of these sorts of substances, but it still isn't reducing my anxiety any. I have to have my wisdom teeth out, my gender-affirmation operation is coming up in a few years, and I could always end up needing trauma surgery, so it's a constant thing I'm afraid of.
What I know is bugging me and what I've done so far:
1: The inability to recognize that something is wrong and act on it is a big issue for me. I realize that in any situation where I would be on these drugs would be surrounded by doctors, nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, friends, and family who would be able to protect me, but it doesn't do enough to reassure me. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself, or that I won't be able to realize if someone's being rude or hurtful to me in enough time to react.
2: I'm afraid that I will act in a manner inconsistent with my character. I've always had problems, especially when my judgement is impaired. I'm afraid that with the euphoric aspect of some of these medicines, I wouldn't stop myself from saying or doing something that I would regret. I'm aware that anyone I would upset would understand that it would be the result of my impaired state, but I know I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. To that end, I've resolved to isolate myself from as many people as I can if I ever undergo surgery. I know that this would be unfair to my friends and family, since the recovery time of Gender Affirmation Surgery is almost a month, but I would be too afraid to do otherwise.
3: I'm terrified of the fact that unlike other drugs, I can't escape. If I need this stuff for legitimate reasons, then it comes down to either being in so much pain that I go into shock and they have to knock me out, or taking the heavy duty drugs. Either way, there's no way I can escape it, as though it's a personal hell I'm trapped in. I know that it's for the better that I take my meds, but even now, something inside of me is saying that I might just be able to override the pain of I just focus on this fear enough. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm even afraid of my fear. This sucks.
4: I'm afraid I'll get addicted. With euphoria comes a desire for more. I have a long history of Addictive Personalities, and I myself have been addicted to marijuana in the past. Opiate addiction ruined my mother's second marriage, and alcohol addiction tore apart her first. I know that most of modern medications are formulated to reduce the chance of inducing euphoria now a days, but the pain-relief might get too addicting for me as well.
5: I can't do exposure therapy too easily. For people afraid of spiders or heights, it's easy to step themselves up to the big one, whatever that may be. A person afraid of heights as bad as I am of pain meds might start by looking out a second-story window with someone else's hand in theirs, and move all the way up to the sky box of the Sears Tower. I can't do that, because at a certain point: it becomes a felony. I am right no at the point where I can't even hear the word "oxycontin" without panicking for the next week, so there's still pleanty I can do without actually having the stuff in my hand, but at some point: I'll have to find some other method. I'm thinking that having my wisdom teeth out might help, since I don't technically need pain meds for that one. They can give me a wicked low dose, and I can use it as basically a trial run. That's how I ended up realizing that I could handle weed way back, when I felt it's effect at a lower level, and decided I could deal with more.
I'm sure there's more that's bothering me, but that's all I can think of. All I did was type this, and my chest feels tight, I can hardly digest the pizza I just ate, and I can't focus on what my girlfriend just said to me. If you have any suggestions on overcoming this or any irrational phobia, I would really appreciate it.
I have always been deathly afraid of pain-medications, tranquilizers, sleep-aides, and anesthetics. I'm fine with needles, I'm chill with surgery, but the actual substances that reduce one's ability to feel and interpret pain are such a trigger for me that even hearing about them affects my daily life for the next week. I understand that this is ridiculous, but there's nothing I've been able to do. I even spent last night wracking my brain trying to deconstruct the logical fallacies. For the most part, I managed to reassure myself that nothing would go wrong if I were in a situation where I would need to be under the influence of these sorts of substances, but it still isn't reducing my anxiety any. I have to have my wisdom teeth out, my gender-affirmation operation is coming up in a few years, and I could always end up needing trauma surgery, so it's a constant thing I'm afraid of.
What I know is bugging me and what I've done so far:
1: The inability to recognize that something is wrong and act on it is a big issue for me. I realize that in any situation where I would be on these drugs would be surrounded by doctors, nurses, surgeons, anesthesiologists, friends, and family who would be able to protect me, but it doesn't do enough to reassure me. I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself, or that I won't be able to realize if someone's being rude or hurtful to me in enough time to react.
2: I'm afraid that I will act in a manner inconsistent with my character. I've always had problems, especially when my judgement is impaired. I'm afraid that with the euphoric aspect of some of these medicines, I wouldn't stop myself from saying or doing something that I would regret. I'm aware that anyone I would upset would understand that it would be the result of my impaired state, but I know I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. To that end, I've resolved to isolate myself from as many people as I can if I ever undergo surgery. I know that this would be unfair to my friends and family, since the recovery time of Gender Affirmation Surgery is almost a month, but I would be too afraid to do otherwise.
3: I'm terrified of the fact that unlike other drugs, I can't escape. If I need this stuff for legitimate reasons, then it comes down to either being in so much pain that I go into shock and they have to knock me out, or taking the heavy duty drugs. Either way, there's no way I can escape it, as though it's a personal hell I'm trapped in. I know that it's for the better that I take my meds, but even now, something inside of me is saying that I might just be able to override the pain of I just focus on this fear enough. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm even afraid of my fear. This sucks.
4: I'm afraid I'll get addicted. With euphoria comes a desire for more. I have a long history of Addictive Personalities, and I myself have been addicted to marijuana in the past. Opiate addiction ruined my mother's second marriage, and alcohol addiction tore apart her first. I know that most of modern medications are formulated to reduce the chance of inducing euphoria now a days, but the pain-relief might get too addicting for me as well.
5: I can't do exposure therapy too easily. For people afraid of spiders or heights, it's easy to step themselves up to the big one, whatever that may be. A person afraid of heights as bad as I am of pain meds might start by looking out a second-story window with someone else's hand in theirs, and move all the way up to the sky box of the Sears Tower. I can't do that, because at a certain point: it becomes a felony. I am right no at the point where I can't even hear the word "oxycontin" without panicking for the next week, so there's still pleanty I can do without actually having the stuff in my hand, but at some point: I'll have to find some other method. I'm thinking that having my wisdom teeth out might help, since I don't technically need pain meds for that one. They can give me a wicked low dose, and I can use it as basically a trial run. That's how I ended up realizing that I could handle weed way back, when I felt it's effect at a lower level, and decided I could deal with more.
I'm sure there's more that's bothering me, but that's all I can think of. All I did was type this, and my chest feels tight, I can hardly digest the pizza I just ate, and I can't focus on what my girlfriend just said to me. If you have any suggestions on overcoming this or any irrational phobia, I would really appreciate it.
