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A fustercluck of stuff || Stories, leaving, 'ticked off'
11 years ago
(There will be a personal update at the bottom of this.)
(#1) Hey guys:
While I'm fighting depression, FA has become a place I cannot stay or appreciate. However, I have friends here who are active here, and not on DA. In other words, I can't leave FA and stay connected with a few friends.
If I leave FA, I will no longer post journals here nor act as a member of a community. I may upload, respond to comments, but my presence will be vacuous.
Should I stay or leave? Do you care? Will some of you be happy that I'm gone? Are there reasons for me to stay?
(#2) Story idea:
Several times before, I've had stories where each entry or chapter was a journal entry of a character. I want to know if that would be interesting for you ladies and gents?
Also, I don't think I'll be able to continue The Great Divergence while I'm in this state. Maybe once I get out of it. You don't want me to write that while depressed, trust me.
(#3) Personal update:
Life sucks. And I'm saying that as a struggling and disgruntled Christian who feels terribly alone. Normally, I say life is great and that there are plenty of opportunities to be a loving person and can grow and grow others around me.
I have a feeling things are getting worse around me. A lot of my friends have mysteriously disappeared and ceased talking and existing (even so far as to say that they are almost not even 2nd Order), and I'm doing the thing I get tired of doing: swapping communities again.
I used to do this like crazy. I went through ChristianPunks -> Xanga -> Myspace -> Pendragon forums -> Antilia forums -> Christian Furs -> Facebook -> TBFG (which died out, though everyone still knows everyone), -> Skype circles -> then back to Christian Furs again (where most everyone seems to have left). It was something that I did as a measure of mental sanity. People would come into my life, typically treat me like crap, then leave. Ultimately, I'd end up with no friends (or I was too depressed to think I had friends, or they were no longer willing to talk), so I'd move on. (This behaviour did not persist with CF, which is why I'm returning there.)
So I'm sitting here in this chair, both happy and upset that I'm not talking to people. Happy because the person who's making me feel worse is not talking, and upset because the people I used to call good friends have essentially poofed.
So if you're one of those people who say they know me, but only just check for the occasional update to make sure I'm still living; I don't enjoy you. You make me depressed. And no, I'm not okay. And at this point, don't say you know me. You know of me. Friends don't watch friends suffer.
Whatever friendship you think we have, at this point, does not exist. All you're doing now is hurting me. For those people, I think I'm done talking.
If you haven't noticed, whoever else may be reading, I'm also thoroughly upset and bothered. I'm jaded and I know it. I know I'm failing the friends I do have. I know, at this point, depression is winning.
I want to be alone, with the few close friends I have, who... I don't even know who I want to call that right now.
I don't know what to do.
My judgment is clouded.
Lastly, for the friends who once knew me, but don't anymore, our separation grieves me.
(#1) Hey guys:
While I'm fighting depression, FA has become a place I cannot stay or appreciate. However, I have friends here who are active here, and not on DA. In other words, I can't leave FA and stay connected with a few friends.
If I leave FA, I will no longer post journals here nor act as a member of a community. I may upload, respond to comments, but my presence will be vacuous.
Should I stay or leave? Do you care? Will some of you be happy that I'm gone? Are there reasons for me to stay?
(#2) Story idea:
Several times before, I've had stories where each entry or chapter was a journal entry of a character. I want to know if that would be interesting for you ladies and gents?
Also, I don't think I'll be able to continue The Great Divergence while I'm in this state. Maybe once I get out of it. You don't want me to write that while depressed, trust me.
(#3) Personal update:
Life sucks. And I'm saying that as a struggling and disgruntled Christian who feels terribly alone. Normally, I say life is great and that there are plenty of opportunities to be a loving person and can grow and grow others around me.
I have a feeling things are getting worse around me. A lot of my friends have mysteriously disappeared and ceased talking and existing (even so far as to say that they are almost not even 2nd Order), and I'm doing the thing I get tired of doing: swapping communities again.
I used to do this like crazy. I went through ChristianPunks -> Xanga -> Myspace -> Pendragon forums -> Antilia forums -> Christian Furs -> Facebook -> TBFG (which died out, though everyone still knows everyone), -> Skype circles -> then back to Christian Furs again (where most everyone seems to have left). It was something that I did as a measure of mental sanity. People would come into my life, typically treat me like crap, then leave. Ultimately, I'd end up with no friends (or I was too depressed to think I had friends, or they were no longer willing to talk), so I'd move on. (This behaviour did not persist with CF, which is why I'm returning there.)
So I'm sitting here in this chair, both happy and upset that I'm not talking to people. Happy because the person who's making me feel worse is not talking, and upset because the people I used to call good friends have essentially poofed.
So if you're one of those people who say they know me, but only just check for the occasional update to make sure I'm still living; I don't enjoy you. You make me depressed. And no, I'm not okay. And at this point, don't say you know me. You know of me. Friends don't watch friends suffer.
Whatever friendship you think we have, at this point, does not exist. All you're doing now is hurting me. For those people, I think I'm done talking.
If you haven't noticed, whoever else may be reading, I'm also thoroughly upset and bothered. I'm jaded and I know it. I know I'm failing the friends I do have. I know, at this point, depression is winning.
I want to be alone, with the few close friends I have, who... I don't even know who I want to call that right now.
I don't know what to do.
My judgment is clouded.
Lastly, for the friends who once knew me, but don't anymore, our separation grieves me.
The story idea is interesting depending upon what it's about.
I'm sorry to hear that your friends have disappeared or ceased to talk. I feel that way lately but I'm not letting it get to me too much. I don't pretend to know exactly how you're feeling about it. I'm sorry people have treated you that way. I don't know what to say to that last part, about who is hurting you. Maybe they're not doing it on purpose. Whether you stay or not, I'll pray for you.
*hugs*