well another valentines has come and gone. another where i cry myself to sleep in the middle of the day then wake up and scour for someone to talk to. but theyre all with theyre mates. so i cry some more. watch some anime. fap too much. and hope ill be able to find sleep when the time comes for this god forsaken day to be over. i dont know what it is about me. i just drive ppl away. there are two in particular that come to mind today. one i never want to speak to again. and another i still miss with my every waking breathe. but i feel the resentment and hate on the horizon. and that scares me. i loved them so much. but they left. i still love them. for now. i dont want to resent them. i dont want to hate them. i had hope a while back that i wouldnt be spending this valentines alone. but thats what i get for hoping. hope has only ever been a poison in my life. only ever brings me up the throw me back down. i often wonder what the point of my life is. to only be useful and maintain a distance from everyone? dammit i dont want to be used! i want a mate. a friend someones to share my life with. but i guess one person is too much to ask for from the universe.