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10 years ago
Hello everyone!
I figure I should make a journal about FC and beyond. I owe it to my bros that I don't often see these days. This is a lot so, feel free to delete this journal. If you're curious, read up.
FC was a blast, I've simply had SO much fun being surrounded by loving friends. The peak was when we all had lunch together. I think I have an idea what it feels like when there are family gatherings. What it means to bring people together. It made me so happy. I felt alive, guys. I cared for each and every individual and I know they also cared for me too. Days go by and before you know it, it was that time to say goodbye.
Because you know the next time you see them, they'll grow to be a different person the next time around. I already know there would be changes in my life once I got home. So I really didn't feel any PCD like I used to. Maybe because I've gotten used to it. Like.. I feel that no matter the distance, no matter the time, love is that one thing that connects and binds.
Connects and binds..
no.
matter.
what.
The drive home was rather pleasant, seeing beautiful lands and mountains, having everyone laugh. I wish life could be like this all the time. Having a sense of belonging, feeling right at home.
Home, right.
Eventually I was dropped off, I made it to my place. The first things I hear were rather hurtful. So sad to be told that things were better off when I was away. My parents angry. Neighbors shouting at their kids. Furniture breaking. Getting yelled at. What happened? Suddenly it's like.. I'm aware of my surrounding, the toxicity which poisons my mind. Why am I still here? Why are these people my family?
Well.. just when I thought to cook food the stove was taken away. It had to be sold so we can pay for the deposit and first months rent. Can you imagine the frustration I had to face? How was I suppose to cook food now? I called it quits, I laid in bed, wondering why is my life the way it is? Shouldn't a family be caring and providing? Eventually I fell asleep. I didn't want all these emotions to punch me. Instead a few hours later I'm told that we had three days to leave and four days to survive out on the streets.
My family and I were forced to leave our home earlier than expected. It's a rather complicated reason that I don't even understand to this day.
The day comes when I had to go, and I was sitting in my car. It was surreal, it doesn't quite hit you until you're wondering what do you do? What is there to do when you don't have a home? I haven't quite figured that out. I was determined to sleep in my car, home is where the heart is, that's what I kept telling myself.
Luckily a relative decided to help us out. She was sort of hard to deal with at first. I have a bit of history with her, she was the one who told me my depression wasn't real at the time and never bothered to talk to me. So I have a grudge. She isn't a bad person, she has a family of her own to look after, it's just.. I felt like a stranger to her. My whole furry life, dragons and things? I suppose that's the trade off, when you don't know how to tell your family of your lifestyle. Some say furry is a hobby thing. Good for you, for me, that's not the case. This amazing fandom is where I met my friends, where I found love, where I became myself and worked towards freeing myself! A community where we can just express ideas and mingle so easily without any judgement. Do any of you understand how much time, how many lives it costs to have this opportunity? I know it's not for everyone and that's okay, but to explain the furry fandom to a conservative family, it's a different universe to them. Their reality has been wired and so for them, I'm just crazy. I realize, I don't care if I'm crazy. We're all crazy, crazy not to see what's important.
But the thing is.. they do care for me, just not in the ideal way I'd like it to be. And that's okay! This is where my life journey continues!
Life goes on, we stayed at their home for four days. Packing and unpacking, wrapping and unwrapping, lifting,pushing, pulling. Then it's work again, lifting, pushing, pulling, stocking, and cleaning. Even after all this is coming down on me, I kept it quiet. I told those I had to tell because it would directly affect them. I even had to stop volunteering for a little awhile.
That said, I was left in the negatives. I OWED money to the bank. I had to live with this until pay day. That whole time, struggling to get by, I thought about all my friends, what some of you guys are doing. I may not speak to you directly, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. It saddens me when some of you guys think I don't care, a lot of times I don't know what to say, and quite frankly, I had this mess to deal with so I wasn't quite in a sound emotional state of mind to be supportive when I had to tend to my own fires.
The hardest part of living through this process was getting up at midnight and not coming home until mid afternoon. Unable to afford gas to drive to work, or unable to buy food when I was starving and only eaten once. We didn't even have much food at home either so every day was a challenge. The idea of working so hard, only to be rock bottom. It broke my heart, honestly. Are we not taught that if we worked hard, we should prosper from what we've earned? It made me think.. how much am I worth in this society? What is my worth? My W-2 says $9,900. My job tells me $9.60/hr. My bank told me -$. It made the days longer however sleeping made it shorter.
But you know, the best part was experiencing first hand just how many of you out there are awesome.
Some of you fed me, supported me, sheltered me, asked "how was I doing?", held me, and began to realize, you all care for me in your own loving ways. You don't understand just how much of a difference you've made. How beautiful to see that there are amazing people out there. Suddenly I realize.. maybe I'm worth more than $9k. That the time I spend with friends per hour? Beyond the $9.60 mark. That the time spent together is priceless.
My biggest flaw is I don't know when to ask for help anymore because for so many years I did, and I was always ignored. I learned that I should only count on myself to get things done. Prioritize my living. However, I realized how wrong I am that I would have been ignored though. It caught me off guard.
Instead, I didn't want to ask for help or tell anyone what was going on, because I didn't want to see any of you worry about me. I didn't want anyone to be sad because of my troubled situation. I know I'm not the only one that is facing troubled times so it would be quite a huge burden for me to put this on your plate.
I bring it up now because, well, things are finally settling down. I'm doing better. Quite the crazy weeks, yeah. lol
If you read all that, well, by all means, *hugs* Thanks for taking the time to read.
I figure I should make a journal about FC and beyond. I owe it to my bros that I don't often see these days. This is a lot so, feel free to delete this journal. If you're curious, read up.
FC was a blast, I've simply had SO much fun being surrounded by loving friends. The peak was when we all had lunch together. I think I have an idea what it feels like when there are family gatherings. What it means to bring people together. It made me so happy. I felt alive, guys. I cared for each and every individual and I know they also cared for me too. Days go by and before you know it, it was that time to say goodbye.
Because you know the next time you see them, they'll grow to be a different person the next time around. I already know there would be changes in my life once I got home. So I really didn't feel any PCD like I used to. Maybe because I've gotten used to it. Like.. I feel that no matter the distance, no matter the time, love is that one thing that connects and binds.
Connects and binds..
no.
matter.
what.
The drive home was rather pleasant, seeing beautiful lands and mountains, having everyone laugh. I wish life could be like this all the time. Having a sense of belonging, feeling right at home.
Home, right.
Eventually I was dropped off, I made it to my place. The first things I hear were rather hurtful. So sad to be told that things were better off when I was away. My parents angry. Neighbors shouting at their kids. Furniture breaking. Getting yelled at. What happened? Suddenly it's like.. I'm aware of my surrounding, the toxicity which poisons my mind. Why am I still here? Why are these people my family?
Well.. just when I thought to cook food the stove was taken away. It had to be sold so we can pay for the deposit and first months rent. Can you imagine the frustration I had to face? How was I suppose to cook food now? I called it quits, I laid in bed, wondering why is my life the way it is? Shouldn't a family be caring and providing? Eventually I fell asleep. I didn't want all these emotions to punch me. Instead a few hours later I'm told that we had three days to leave and four days to survive out on the streets.
My family and I were forced to leave our home earlier than expected. It's a rather complicated reason that I don't even understand to this day.
The day comes when I had to go, and I was sitting in my car. It was surreal, it doesn't quite hit you until you're wondering what do you do? What is there to do when you don't have a home? I haven't quite figured that out. I was determined to sleep in my car, home is where the heart is, that's what I kept telling myself.
Luckily a relative decided to help us out. She was sort of hard to deal with at first. I have a bit of history with her, she was the one who told me my depression wasn't real at the time and never bothered to talk to me. So I have a grudge. She isn't a bad person, she has a family of her own to look after, it's just.. I felt like a stranger to her. My whole furry life, dragons and things? I suppose that's the trade off, when you don't know how to tell your family of your lifestyle. Some say furry is a hobby thing. Good for you, for me, that's not the case. This amazing fandom is where I met my friends, where I found love, where I became myself and worked towards freeing myself! A community where we can just express ideas and mingle so easily without any judgement. Do any of you understand how much time, how many lives it costs to have this opportunity? I know it's not for everyone and that's okay, but to explain the furry fandom to a conservative family, it's a different universe to them. Their reality has been wired and so for them, I'm just crazy. I realize, I don't care if I'm crazy. We're all crazy, crazy not to see what's important.
But the thing is.. they do care for me, just not in the ideal way I'd like it to be. And that's okay! This is where my life journey continues!
Life goes on, we stayed at their home for four days. Packing and unpacking, wrapping and unwrapping, lifting,pushing, pulling. Then it's work again, lifting, pushing, pulling, stocking, and cleaning. Even after all this is coming down on me, I kept it quiet. I told those I had to tell because it would directly affect them. I even had to stop volunteering for a little awhile.
That said, I was left in the negatives. I OWED money to the bank. I had to live with this until pay day. That whole time, struggling to get by, I thought about all my friends, what some of you guys are doing. I may not speak to you directly, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. It saddens me when some of you guys think I don't care, a lot of times I don't know what to say, and quite frankly, I had this mess to deal with so I wasn't quite in a sound emotional state of mind to be supportive when I had to tend to my own fires.
The hardest part of living through this process was getting up at midnight and not coming home until mid afternoon. Unable to afford gas to drive to work, or unable to buy food when I was starving and only eaten once. We didn't even have much food at home either so every day was a challenge. The idea of working so hard, only to be rock bottom. It broke my heart, honestly. Are we not taught that if we worked hard, we should prosper from what we've earned? It made me think.. how much am I worth in this society? What is my worth? My W-2 says $9,900. My job tells me $9.60/hr. My bank told me -$. It made the days longer however sleeping made it shorter.
But you know, the best part was experiencing first hand just how many of you out there are awesome.
Some of you fed me, supported me, sheltered me, asked "how was I doing?", held me, and began to realize, you all care for me in your own loving ways. You don't understand just how much of a difference you've made. How beautiful to see that there are amazing people out there. Suddenly I realize.. maybe I'm worth more than $9k. That the time I spend with friends per hour? Beyond the $9.60 mark. That the time spent together is priceless.
My biggest flaw is I don't know when to ask for help anymore because for so many years I did, and I was always ignored. I learned that I should only count on myself to get things done. Prioritize my living. However, I realized how wrong I am that I would have been ignored though. It caught me off guard.
Instead, I didn't want to ask for help or tell anyone what was going on, because I didn't want to see any of you worry about me. I didn't want anyone to be sad because of my troubled situation. I know I'm not the only one that is facing troubled times so it would be quite a huge burden for me to put this on your plate.
I bring it up now because, well, things are finally settling down. I'm doing better. Quite the crazy weeks, yeah. lol
If you read all that, well, by all means, *hugs* Thanks for taking the time to read.
The beauty of it is that even though we all have to be away from each other, we can all still communicate through the internet...and when we all get together again, we just pick up where we left off again. You know that the love of friendships is strong when they can survive that.
And shit. I knew things were bad at home but I didn't know to what extent. You need to get out of there. You can't live like that. Great to hear things are settling down now but you can't be around people that can't accept you for who you are. How are you supposed to spread your wings and fly in that environment?
I had no idea you were homeless for a bit. I know I'm far away but if you ever need anything, please ask for help. Yes I'm sad about your situation, but I care about you and want to help. Yes I'm busy, and yes others also face troubled times, but that doesn't mean your problems are any less important.
I know things aren't that easy. It can be hard to get out of bad times...just know that the people that are your family, that really care about you and accept you are by your side all the time. And we're not going anywhere.
I need to give credit where credit is do. I've been through a lot however if it weren't for my bros like Stray and Ryken, I don't know where I would be in life. I cannot think of how my life would be, if I hadn't met those guys first.
This has been the story of my life throughout my 20's. You're right, and to be fair, I did have some opportunities to getting out of here but I cannot leave my siblings behind, nor can I leave my grandfather. My grandfather especially, since he was the one I learned a lot from growing up. He was my role model. He's the reason I always feel the need to go out my way to doing things for others, and buying treats, doing random things to get me to laugh. He would always do this for me, because I meant so much to him. And now, more than ever, I have to be there for him too. Drive him around the city doing errands like he used to drive me when I was a kid.
In some sense, I'm looking for peace with my family. I want to forgive and forget and be on my way. I don't want to grow up old and have many regrets. I want to look back at my life and know I did the best that I can with everything.
But uhh.. getting off topic here. xD
Yeah.. I had no home for a bit, my aunt/uncle allowed us to stay at the last minute. But things are okay for now! I'm finally settling in at my new place. I'd rather be elsewhere but I am thankful for having a roof over my head so I'll take it. There's just so much history that surely I may have left some details out. We should have one of those heart to heart talks! I'd love to drive out and see you guys, I just need to figure out crash space. XD As you know, I miss ya!
Anyway, I will try. It's not easy for me because I have a big brother mentality. Thank you for that, Cassy.
I wasn't aware of how complicated the situation is, with your siblings and grandfather. It is so good that you want to be there for them, even when it's hard. <3 I think you will find peace with your family, even if it's hard right now. Forgiveness is something that not a lot of people can do or understand unfortunately. A problem I'm having right now is that my family isn't forgiving each other, and now they're separated. Life would be so much better in so much away if people forgave and forgot more.
I'm so glad you're settling and things are going okay. Sometimes just being thankful that you have a roof over your head is all you can do. And yes, I'd love to have a heart to heart talk. We have so much to talk about. I know at some point we can live closer and be able to do that. I miss you so much. :)