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Journey in My Gender Identity
10 years ago
Every so often, perhaps not as much as I should, I realize how blessed I am to have so many supportive and helpful friends and family who have given me guidance when I have needed it most. I say this more than anything because of the support I have received in my journey through learning about my own gender identity, and have helped me even in meditation and prayer. Inevitably, we live in a society that does not build an environment for which gender-queer (to keep it in a simple term for anyone who diverges from the gender-binary) can be allowed to flourish, so most of society misunderstands (an understatement) exactly what it is to be gender-queer.
From what I've been taught, by friends, family, my culture, and other sources is that gender is a very broad topic and can go in so many different directions, and there are an endless number of gender-identities for one to identify with. For me, I have come to see my own gender identity as a journey, as it is ever-evolving and ever teaching me more and more about myself. Most of you know I was "born male". I still see my childhood as male. Now, for some trans/gender-queer people, they will see their childhood and wish they had had a childhood in the gender they later discovered they are. For me, I still embrace being a boy child. Neither of these are wrong, they are simply two ways of looking at your own identity. What I see in my journey is I am that little boy growing up and that boy is still in me, alive and as ready for an adventure as always. That boy has just grown up to become a strong, fighting woman. The woman I am becoming now. But I also am not simply a woman. I do many times identify as male in certain situations, and my fursonas and characters sort of reflect that, being I have characters of both genders.
The definition of my gender identity doesn't stop there though. It also is affected in the tasks you perform in your day. Here is where I often refer back to my culture's view of gender identity. In most Indian tribes of this continent there were many more gender identities than the binary known to western society. While I am O'odhami, I was brought up in the Dineh culture. We have an actual gender term for what I am, which is "Naadlehi". This word is probably more correct than labeling myself female but the English language (and for that matter most western languages) has no equivalent. Had I lived prior to colonization my role would go something like this: In the day-to-day of the goings-on in the village I would be working with the women, on the pottery, or sewing, grinding corn, etc. and in times of war, I would go out with the men to battle. This description is possibly the best short description of my gender identity. My character, Beast Killer is probably the best example of this, born female and does the same tasks that I would do in her village.
What does that all imply for me in my current day life. First of all that I have decided that my preferred pronouns are "she" "her" etc. I have talked to my sister a few times about her helping me to appear far more female out in public and that part of me is a work in process. I am fortunate that here I have a safe haven where I can be fully female or better put, fully Naadlehi and be myself. I also once again have to say how blessed I am to have such supportive friends who have been at my side through discovering more and more about my gender identity. As I have said before, it's really a journey and I know that as time passes, there will be more that I will discover about myself. There are so many genders out there and different ways we relate to each other sexually, and little by little the western world is catching up to this idea that as Native people we were very familiar with, that gender is a spectrum, a mosaic, a hoop, a plain, but not a binary. Just like those who helped me, I want to be able to help others as well, if even only to create a safe space. If you know someone who wants to learn more about their gender identity, talk to them and tell them they have your support. It goes a long way!
This is a simple video sort of describing in simple terms what it all is. It is part of a series and it is worth checking out:
From what I've been taught, by friends, family, my culture, and other sources is that gender is a very broad topic and can go in so many different directions, and there are an endless number of gender-identities for one to identify with. For me, I have come to see my own gender identity as a journey, as it is ever-evolving and ever teaching me more and more about myself. Most of you know I was "born male". I still see my childhood as male. Now, for some trans/gender-queer people, they will see their childhood and wish they had had a childhood in the gender they later discovered they are. For me, I still embrace being a boy child. Neither of these are wrong, they are simply two ways of looking at your own identity. What I see in my journey is I am that little boy growing up and that boy is still in me, alive and as ready for an adventure as always. That boy has just grown up to become a strong, fighting woman. The woman I am becoming now. But I also am not simply a woman. I do many times identify as male in certain situations, and my fursonas and characters sort of reflect that, being I have characters of both genders.
The definition of my gender identity doesn't stop there though. It also is affected in the tasks you perform in your day. Here is where I often refer back to my culture's view of gender identity. In most Indian tribes of this continent there were many more gender identities than the binary known to western society. While I am O'odhami, I was brought up in the Dineh culture. We have an actual gender term for what I am, which is "Naadlehi". This word is probably more correct than labeling myself female but the English language (and for that matter most western languages) has no equivalent. Had I lived prior to colonization my role would go something like this: In the day-to-day of the goings-on in the village I would be working with the women, on the pottery, or sewing, grinding corn, etc. and in times of war, I would go out with the men to battle. This description is possibly the best short description of my gender identity. My character, Beast Killer is probably the best example of this, born female and does the same tasks that I would do in her village.
What does that all imply for me in my current day life. First of all that I have decided that my preferred pronouns are "she" "her" etc. I have talked to my sister a few times about her helping me to appear far more female out in public and that part of me is a work in process. I am fortunate that here I have a safe haven where I can be fully female or better put, fully Naadlehi and be myself. I also once again have to say how blessed I am to have such supportive friends who have been at my side through discovering more and more about my gender identity. As I have said before, it's really a journey and I know that as time passes, there will be more that I will discover about myself. There are so many genders out there and different ways we relate to each other sexually, and little by little the western world is catching up to this idea that as Native people we were very familiar with, that gender is a spectrum, a mosaic, a hoop, a plain, but not a binary. Just like those who helped me, I want to be able to help others as well, if even only to create a safe space. If you know someone who wants to learn more about their gender identity, talk to them and tell them they have your support. It goes a long way!
This is a simple video sort of describing in simple terms what it all is. It is part of a series and it is worth checking out:
Absolutely nothing good could have come from it
And for that matter, would you say that someone born female but with an "XY" chromosome pair or an "XXY" set (they do exist) is not really female, because they don't fit this narrow and ultimately flawed definition? Or for that matter, would you say that someone born with a penis and an "XX" chromosome pair who identifies male is in error?
And "unstable?" It's only unstable because we've constructed our society to destabilize it. Up until the advent of Aristotelian black-white thinking, which is based more on faulty suppositions than on the objective truth, most cultures had a place for people like us.
The pronouns used to address a person are as much a part of their identity as their name, and just as powerful in meaning. You want to hurt someone whose brain is already full to capacity with complex emotions to process, all you have to do is address them by the wrong pronouns, the wrong name, thereby misidentify and thus effectively slander them. How would you like it if the tables were turned? You tell us you associate strongly with the Catholic church, so how would you like being called a Methodist from now on, hmm?
For God to be with us, God must first pay you a visit and help you to understand this. That would be the best favour God could do us all in this context.
It seems strange to me that you consider yourself to be in the morally superior position such as I would have done anything that would need to be forgiven. You speak as if my words to you were laden with sin, yet that concept of sin is itself a manifestation of fear. In many cases it has just cause to be invoked, yet I struggle here to see how indicating that you are being narrow of mind as a result of fear is in itself something sinful, in need of your or anyone's forgiveness. Do you need to defend yourself against something which is not an attack, but merely an observation attempting to make sense of your comment on this interesting journal?
From my point of view, I think you are finding my analogy as 'flawed' because you are approaching it from a narrowed perspective. This was about how you IDENTIFY yourself and would have had the same meaning in analogy terms if I had said 'how would you like it if I called you Serbian' or 'how would you like it if I called you an alien from another planet' - the point is not about the semantics of religious denominations, but about how strongly you feel your association with yours and how much of a lie it would be to identify you by any other.
Likewise it is a lie to call Juniper male now. It is a lie to call her anything other than female, because the only arbiter of who a person is and what their gender is is themselves, and if God exists it is to guide us in the flow of our lives, whether that is to keep us in a secure straight-and-narrow, whether it is to help us cope with things being different to how they should by helping us find ways to put them right (including by transgender) or whether it is to help those of us who believe we know exactly everything there is to know about life based on a 2000 year old story that's been through a few too many translations, to perhaps see that life ain't that simple and more complexity is not necessarily a bad thing.
I'm sorry you find yourself so rattled by what you see that you feel the need to try to nip debate in the bud by saying you'll say no more on the subject, but we all have free will here, and all the more blessed be God for providing it, and proximity to and frequency of attendance at a church does not automatically make one a good or bad person or an arbiter of such debates or when they begin or end.
Know this: nobody is trying to convert your faith or gender. They are simply asking for compatibility of your interaction with theirs so that everyone can get along without hurting one another's feelings, is that so much to ask?
I too believe there can be more than the 2 genders society says there is.
Would be nice to believe in some of the ways native ppl have.
They seemed to be way more open minded, and not fall into
doing what society says you have to do and believe in.
-Juniper 'Stands Firm'
For me and my gender identity, I am male. But physical gender is meaningless to me. Its the person inside that counts. For me being male or female or whatever, I am just ...me.
This is something I never heard much of to be honest. But I support your decision. ^^
Many trees and other plants are naturally hermaphroditic, and many others are more binary.
From single-celled organisms to the most complex animals, there are a wonderful variety of genders and methods of expressing them that most westernized people would be overwhelmed at the vision.
I am impressed by your ability to express this about yourself so eloquently and I thank you for the gift of sharing it with us.
I'll admit, while I know several trans individuals, I think you're the first that has transitioned while I knew them, so forgive me if I slip up on the pronouns sometimes. n.n;
-Juniper 'Stands Firm'
I'm male and I've never identified as anything but. However, I do like pretty things and I do like cute things. When I see a baby I want to take care of it. I also happen to find other men very attractive. Yet, I know, there are people who would want to hurt me very badly if I admitted to liking 'sissy' things like plushies or creating a social circle or whatever.
I ... It's ... difficult to explain what I feel reading your journal
Except for the transition part (I just don't feel like transitioning myself, is all ), it was like reading something I could have written myself O__O
Would you mind if I send you a note or two to discuss a little ? (or maybe give me a link to someone who could ?)
Thought I'm biologically male, I've feel for a long time that there was a strong female part in me. But except for my wife (who is in the opposite case), I never could find someone to talk to about that. Not even my brother who I'm very close to. He just doesn't seem to understand :(
I guess that discussing to someone who seems to be in a close situation may help me have clearer vue on myself.
Thanks for reading
Octopus, lost cephalopod
P.S. : and sorry for my bad english, french's my mother tong and I'm not always sure if what I'm writing is correct or not