Coming Out
I wrote about a page of words before realizing that in my haste to ramble and explain that which neither warranted nor needing explanation I actually forgot to clarify what exactly it is that I am coming out as. Yup. I wouldn't be so irksome if it wasn't for the fact that runzu is probably completely unsurprised by it and indeed may have actually predicted it.

"So you decided to come out but forgot to say what you came our as eh? How very. You." She would say if she spoke like a fellow Briton for some reason.

So, to clarify:

This isn't so much of an announcement as it is just a declaration and clarification; I have uploaded and talked about the person formally known as Christina before and anyone that knows me enough to care has either talked to me about it directly or generally knows about it somehow, so this is more to clear off any fog that this game of Chinese Whispers may have created while providing a means for any future friends to find out about this side of me without awkwardly probing me about it. I, in some way, want to be a lady. No, that does not mean here comes the HRT and the operator's knife, I don't want to be lady in that sense, I just wish that I could have the chance or the choice to be both really, maybe one permanently for a bit, but generally I don't know. I have tossed up undergoing procedures in the past but what they can provide me and what I am seeking are two things too different to reconcile and I am not completely sure if I want to be a lady to begin with.

So what is it that I want to do? Well quite simply I want to live out my my female alter ego through online interactions sometimes but I don't have the heart to lie to anyone about who I am beyond protection of my identity for security sake. What this means is that unless you bump into me on Second Life or maybe some other online game this won't effect you at all, use male pronouns, talk about my other identity either as me or as another person altogether, it really makes no difference. That being said if you do encounter me in-game and I am in female getup or rag please don't be surprised. I would ask you kindly here as I would there to please use female pronouns and all that other lovely stuff, and I won't ever voice as her so you don't have to worry about a strange mix of lady's body and male voice or worse, me trying to affect a female voice.

Thanking People For It
I always feel a strange mixture of shyness and satisfaction when I talk about the female version of myself, partly this is because of my background in the TG community. So much of what it produced had a sexual bent to it, I can hardly talk about it without mentioning it and it just leaves and awful taste in my mouth. Its not that sex is wrong, quite the contrary, I like to paraphrase Stephen Fry when it comes to sexuality and say that the only people with an unhealthy obsession with sex are those that are addicts and those that want none of it. We are mammals after all, rigged by our very nature to have sex and make babies, but sometimes I don’t want to have sex, sometimes I want to live out a life vicariously even with all the mornings waking up on the Japanese Flag and awkward fart-generated clam bubbles. That being said I must admit the community is only a small fraction of what makes me nervous.

It feels like my cripplie left arm sometimes. You know, you have this big thing there, this elephant in the room that make you somehow different, a tad more needy than everyone else, a tad more handicapped (literally in the arm’s case) and because of that you try to hide it just a little. Maybe it is a male thing but honestly I don’t want to be seen as weak, even if it does make me uncomfortable or handicapped, so I just hide it and get on with my life. Well I say that but that is honestly a thing of the past now, and that is largely thanks to three lovely ladies.

The first, as you might be able to tell, the lovely Runzu has proved to be a driving force behind my recent openness. She doesn’t take any of my timidity nonsense but she’s never means about it, she reassures, she dismisses and she builds confidence in me in ways few others can. Furthermore Runzu is that kind of person, and I do know a few, that accepts someone wholeheartedly regardless of identity without fuss or friction, carrying on as normal regardless of how you identify simply content that you are pursuing happiness on your own terms. Finally :linkRunzu is simply there for me, for when I do need to gush and stress and shout and cry, always catching me and never holding it against me. Runzu, my love, don’t you ever go changing, and when you get here into these cold and rainy isles the drinks as well as most everything is on me.

The next lady is someone who has done so much for this identity of mine but in all honestly and without meaning to be mean I think she is completely oblivious to the fact. You see as much as one person, my best friend, accepts me for who I am and as great as that is it really is one small drop in the bucket. I need more people I can interact with as in some way a female alter ego without having to pretend I am not also a twenty-four year old male. Finding furries that will indulge me on FA is easy, especially compared to other venues, but I tend to find that anything with a vagina generally gets fetishized in this community of ours, to a degree where I am uncomfortable, and while I need to come to terms with that and I need to grow a thicker skin for that it’s nice knowing that there is people out there, people who I can call friends right now, that accept me for who I am and wouldn’t have me any other way. I have talked to BeautifulSerendipity a few times about my female self and much like Runzu she fits into that comfortable zone of acceptance without being intrusive, obsessive or sexual. We talk, we laugh, and from time to time her and her friends and the lovely Runzu team up and get me some pretty neat artwork. She talks to me on my level without making me feel uncomfortable in any way all while occasionally making these cute little pictures that bring this side of me to life, what more can a man (or a, erm, whatever I am) ask for.

The piece this post is connected to was what got me writing this is in the first place. I really do love it; along with : linkBeautifulSerendipity:’s original piece she made for me it is up there with one of my favourite pieces I have gotten about her. Originally this was supposed to be just a comment for that piece but the more I thought about it the more I wrote, doing so is great catharsis for me, and while I could and probably should have kept this to myself (my word this is getting long) I feel that getting this out there might help me be a little bit more open as her. I am eternally grateful to you BeautifulSerendipity , and even if you don’t drink I owe you one.

The last lady I want to talk about is rather strange so I shall save her for another day. But don’t worry about me calling her strange, she can’t really feel bad or argue back largely because she is fictional.

Generally I feel very happy about Kali, she and I are starting to emerge from the proverbial closet into a world that is hostile and unforgiving and that is largely thanks to the support of people that wear down at society’s pointy edges. Writing this journal is one of the hardest things I have ever written to the point where every word, every sentiment feels physically painful and makes me want to delete everything and retreat to my inner santum of Turkish Delight and Pop-Tarts, but thanks ti the love and support I feel I will only do the latter after posting this. I am eternally thankful for this, for the acts of kindness that fuel my ambition to become whole, to become who I want to be rather than who I have to be. I love you guys, you are awesome, thanks for putting up with me and inspiring me onward.

NB: Is there a Hyphen in Pop-Tarts or is my mind conjuring that up from the nether realms of my creative mind like and "brang" and my fond memories of flying upstairs as a child?