•RAF Sandhurst on high alert incase she likes a man in uniform.
•Cabinet retreated into seclusion for their own good.
•Jimmy Saville possibly arisen from the grave.
•Semen clean-up could take months.

Up to fourteen people, including three playas, were lost last night after a category five booty owned by “Runzu”, a visiting American tourist. Supplies of clean pants and sunglasses are dangerously low and the entire city centre is still closed off to only the flyest mofos.

Sightings in the Ashton and Hyde area of a massive booty, reportedly too game for most, had been recorded over the previous days but had been discredited for being too unbelievable. “I aint falling for it this time,” MP John Leech said moments before the booty attack. “Last time she was a seven at best, I aint falling for it this time.”

Mr Leech was unavailable for further comment.

The attack began some time before midday and continued until five o’clock. At the height of the attack, when the American bent over to retrieve a dropped tissue, four people were reportedly lost.

“The game was too good!” Said Mr Baranoski, a survivor near the epicentre of the attack. “I aint ever seen a honey so fine, came so hard I nearly entered orbit.”

US President Brarack Obama was scheduled to visit Manchester this weekend in order to scout out a world class side chick, but cancelled shortly after hearing of the attack. Mr Obama reportedly had a forty minute argument with Mrs Obama about Mayor Taveres (his previous side chick) that allegedly caused the cancellation.

The joint trip between Clinton and Bush Jr has been both extended and pushed forward, however, following a press conference where they declared their intention to get their game on.

Twelve of the fourteen lost were found grouped travelling down the Buxton Road between the turnoff for New Mills and Furnace Vale, mumbling about how they were completely done with everything. A full recovery was ruled out by a GP.

One of the survivors was last reported jacking himself to extinction on Wessenden Moor, and the booty was so good it captured the soul of a Miss Judy Dench. Miss Dench’s mother was reported as saying “GG, no RE.”

A man called “Chair” claims to be the boyfriend of the American, and was seen leaning back in his chair with a shit eating grin and writing false news articles.

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Okay so in all honesty runzu is feeling pretty down so I made this fake article to amuse her. She seemed to like it, once she managed to reattach her sides, so I decided to share it with you losers.

FYI I actually talk like that sometimes, injecting Americanisms into regular British conversational English. Nyes.