Something serious happened that is really weighing on me a great amount. The stress from it is causing me to have nausea and also makes me feel my body temperature is raised. This something involves my former friend and her boyfriend and a recurring fear of mine that has struck my relationship with them. And how I handled the fear has made the situation into a whole clusterfuck, for lack of a better word.

I've had a recurring, paralyzing fear since dating, even not-so-serious dating became a part of the age group I was in. This was sometime in 7th or 8th grade. My fear occurs whenever I start to befriend a girl who is in a relationship with another person. I fear that by getting any closer to the girl, I will be increasing the risk of her partner thinking I might be getting closer for the wrong reasons. I have no clue as to where this fear comes from or why it happens, since I'd not think that of anyone trying to befriend Niti. But regardless, this fear has occurred with every single taken girl I have ever befriended that I can think of. And it happened again with my friend. She is not even close to being the first girl this fear has come up with, and I highly doubt she'll be the last. I tried to tell her of my fear by suggestion of one of my friends, even though I didn't really think I should and had a bad feeling about it. My former friend seems to have taken it as me being childish and is now suspicious of my intentions. My intentions were already clear as day before from what her boyfriend told me, but now that I expressed this fear of mine it has made things sound fishy to them. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let go of either of them, but I feel like after saying this their image of me is forever tainted. It'd make things extremely uncomfortable for me to stick around. That is, IF I could stick around. They seem to have removed me from their Skype, so I don't really have a way of contacting them. I just wish that I could have said nothing and hoped nothing happened, but I fucked up big time.

All I know I'm going to do now is talk to my counselor on Tuesday about this fear of mine, because I guess it isn't as understandable as I previously thought. I always felt it was reasonable, and until today, no one said anything to the contrary. But that one person made me re-evaluate it and I can now see how it DOES sound unreasonable. But simply seeing that side of it does not make the fear go away. Which is why my counselor needs to know about this. I need help with it.

I know at least one of them watches me. I just hope (s)he reads this... and notes me or something... I know it'd be naive to want things to be forgotten, but I wish they could look past this one thing... Losing friends really kills me inside, and this is no exception.