So, some of you may have noticed that I haven't acted myself lately. I've hurt people, ignored people, made excuses, not kept my promises, been self-centered, and all around I've been someone I never wanted to be. I'm not going to make excuses either, because there are no excuses for what I've become or how I've acted. Yes, my girlfriend and friend of nearly ten years left my life a month ago, but I shouldn't use that as an excuse. I should be growing on this, but I think subconsciously I just can't seem to do that.

Every day is a mental and emotional fight for me. I'm fighting to keep my true feelings back, because it exposes weaknesses and sets one up for more pain. I know it's not healthy to think like that, but it's how I am. Fuck it, I'm opening up.

I am not the person you may think I am. Some of you may look at me as a emotionally challenged individual, and that's the closest definition I can come up with. I am a brony. I have suffered from clinical depression since I was 13. I have been bullied for basically my whole life. I have resorted to self harm as a way out. I have had suicidal thoughts and attempts. I have recently started questioning my sexuality. I tell myself I'm bisexual but at the same time I'm confused about everything that goes with it. I am not a virgin, my first time was with a girl at age 13. I have had an experience with one guy since then when I was 18. I felt pressured into it and I was nervous the whole time. (this is where the confusion and fear of intimacy comes in) I am self conscious about my size. I still live at home with my parents because I can't bring myself to hold a job for more than 6 months. I have stolen before, from friends and family to support a drug habit when I was with the girlfriend I mentioned when I was 13. I have lied to so many people about my feelings and other stuff. I haven't had a relationship over 7 months because I break down and I'm afraid I'll fuck everything up and ruin it for both my partner and I (which usually ends the relationship when I talk to my significant other about it). When people tell me about their problems, I tell them about my own or I start talking about something else, not only to take their mind off of it, but to hide that I don't know what to do or say in the heat of the moment. I don't mind giving advice but it has to be anonymous for me. If people aren't satisfied with it, I am afraid people will come back on me and blame me for their problems. I don't want that. I want to make people happy. I know one can't please everybody but that doesn't stop me from trying. I am addicted to caffeine. I have been kicked out of school more than once. I do not have a high school diploma. I held a graduation party so I wouldn't be looked down on because I didn't finish high school. I dropped out in 11th grade to take care of my asshole dad when he had major surgery because nobody else could. For that reason alone, it makes it difficult to find a job. I can't even go to school without it. I don't have the discipline or the funds to go back and get my G.E.D. I have gone behind peoples' backs to get ahead. I have been in fist fights with others due to bullying and pressure. I have a hard time understanding other peoples' feelings. I used to be able to, but that was back in my self harming days. I can't see myself becoming anything great in life. I have sold a lot of jewelry that I claim to be handmade by myself but it really wasn't. I just set the stones. Therefore I guess I am also a plagiarist. Woohoo. :\ I have cheated on tests, homework, and the girlfriend mentioned above. I did it to get ahead and try to get more than she offered me. In the end I lost everything. I'm not going to say the drugs were the reason, but I feel they did partake in the whole thing.

From now on, I am going to be an open book. If you have any questions, I don't care that it's not TMI Tuesday, ask away.

I love you all. I may regret posting this journal but I don't fucking care anymore. This needs to come out.

Love,
 AnthemTheMalamutt