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I'm Trans
10 years ago
Yeah, you read that right. Before I put pencil to paper I feel I need to say this. My whole cursed life I've been living a lie. Born physically male but in all other ways female. My youth spent alone and removed from belonging. Never fitting in with either gender because one aspect of me was never in synch. I didn't relate to the boys because I wasn't and I wasn't included with the girls because physically they didn't see me as such. I kept to myself for much of my life wondering what was wrong with me, never feeling alignment with my self. Hating who stared back in the mirror and causing myself harm by cutting or drinking myself stupid. I wanted to die and that feeling hasn't left me. I wrestle with it on a daily basis to this day. Finding a reason to wake up and exist.
Bliss the character is the true me in all ways. She is who I am and who I aspire to be. Not simply some cruel powerful villain but looking beyond that a woman who takes what she wants and doesn't care how she is perceived. She's the playful pink haired friend loyal to those who have been loyal to her. Shes a vagina given life who looks human but is clearly not. Fitting in to a degree but hiding what she truly is inside. Persecuted and angry yet taking hold of what she is and trying to find her place.
I suppose this is also why I am fascinated with transformation. To be anything you want to be and free from the physical prison of the flesh. A blink of an eye can make you something else in an instant. I also suppose this is why I just want to belong. On the Internet i can be me and no one judges. I'm accepted for the woman I am. I can be the woman I am and be free. Its why I want to feel included or why I ask to be a part of your cliques or groups. Life hasn't afforded me such luxuries or these things that so many take for granted. Friendship, belonging, togetherness. You don't think so but these are taken for granted because so many can easily obtain it. I've never been able to. Not without a fight but then is it really friendship if it's fought for?
Every aspect of my real life is painful, I've never been able to transition because I've been to cowardly and not having the resources or the knowledge or the support. My dad is very bigoted and old fashioned and to this day he still doesn't know. I have to pretend to be someone I'm not around him and it's painful. My fear is being alone, abandoned, empty. I don't know why I'm saying all this but this is a reason for my emotional insecurities and my desire to belong. To feel wanted and loved. Just feeling that there is a place for me amongst you.
Bliss the character is the true me in all ways. She is who I am and who I aspire to be. Not simply some cruel powerful villain but looking beyond that a woman who takes what she wants and doesn't care how she is perceived. She's the playful pink haired friend loyal to those who have been loyal to her. Shes a vagina given life who looks human but is clearly not. Fitting in to a degree but hiding what she truly is inside. Persecuted and angry yet taking hold of what she is and trying to find her place.
I suppose this is also why I am fascinated with transformation. To be anything you want to be and free from the physical prison of the flesh. A blink of an eye can make you something else in an instant. I also suppose this is why I just want to belong. On the Internet i can be me and no one judges. I'm accepted for the woman I am. I can be the woman I am and be free. Its why I want to feel included or why I ask to be a part of your cliques or groups. Life hasn't afforded me such luxuries or these things that so many take for granted. Friendship, belonging, togetherness. You don't think so but these are taken for granted because so many can easily obtain it. I've never been able to. Not without a fight but then is it really friendship if it's fought for?
Every aspect of my real life is painful, I've never been able to transition because I've been to cowardly and not having the resources or the knowledge or the support. My dad is very bigoted and old fashioned and to this day he still doesn't know. I have to pretend to be someone I'm not around him and it's painful. My fear is being alone, abandoned, empty. I don't know why I'm saying all this but this is a reason for my emotional insecurities and my desire to belong. To feel wanted and loved. Just feeling that there is a place for me amongst you.
I want to talk and this isn't the right place.
We're in the same boat! I haven;t made any transition, due to being largely dependant on family for a long time, and them being in denial...
*hug hug bliss bliss*
*horrible buddy hug of awkwardness*
Best Wishes
P.S because im not good with words hope for the best
Look, no matter what happens, know that we accept you; I'd befriend a Venusian, for Pete's sake. And I'd like to think your father will understand your plight and love you regardless of his opinions.
Some thoughts:
1) An individual's physical sex may be determined at birth, but since every culture has certain associations with each gender, there will always be some people who identify more with the opposite gender. It's natural, and to be expected.
2) Just as amputees may sometimes feel a "phantom limb" where their original was, some people (even non-amputees) feel additional body parts where there are none. It's a by-product of neural wiring and environmental stimulus. Again — it's natural and not unexpected.
3) Medical advances over the past century have made it possible for humans to change their physical gender, albeit with difficulty. However, that difficulty shrinks with every year as breakthroughs in surgery and cellular manipulation continue to occur. Indeed, just a few days ago, the first successful human penis transplant happened in South Africa. As it stands (as far as I know), male-to-female transgender people cannot become naturally pregnant — yet. However, given the current rate of medical advances, it will likely be possible within the next 20-30 years.
P.S.: Just because people don't talk to you from time to time, it doesn't mean that they dislike you:
- Everyday life can get in the way.
- A passing mood can make interaction unwise. If someone's upset about something, they're more likely to withdraw into themselves; they are also more likely to lash out at others, and might wish to avoid doing so by isolating themselves.
- Physical weakness, such as headaches, illness, or general bodily discomfort, generally makes people more withdrawn.
- Some people are naturally quieter than others.
I just figured I'd mention that, as I remember you posted a journal recently where you expressed your sorrow about nobody wanting to RP with you that day. I'm not telling you off or anything — please don't take it that way !— but rather, I'm just giving a bit of support.