I really didn't mean to set off this kind of self-loathing about the whole thing. I mean that. I was afraid I would, contemplated just not bringing anything up, but it was really the last thing I wanted. I'd much rather just talk things through than see you give up on anything. Everyone makes mistakes.

I'm not up to it. I see my mistakes everyday. I live with them. All I ever wanted when I arrived to FA was to belong. That's all. To feel like I was a part of a family or a group of friends because my own existence is by far a struggle I fight every day with. Here I am fighting to stay strong for my father while he mends from having his leg amputated. My alcoholic father who demeaned me as a child, who called me fat ass and often times worse and yet I was the one at fault for having the mindset to ask him to stop. I'm so ass backwards I don't even have the body that goes along with my mind. All I wanted was a place to just forget troubles and talk about the most mundane bullshit with anyone willing to listen and I got that here! And selfishly I ate it up like tasting candy for the first time. As stated in a previous journal I used FA like a drug to help me escape a life of pain and depression. I just wanted to be happy, aroused, played with, accepted for who I was. I'm not happy for how I treated all of you and I hated myself for getting my fix and knowing I'd end up being so consumed by real life I wouldn't have enough time in the day to get things remotely started right away. In your case it slipped through the cracks in my head. THIS is why I ran away because I felt and still feel like a bag or warmed over shit. THIS is why I wanted to start the new year with the idea of rebirth and a new me. To let go of my past mistakes and move on with a clean slate if you all were willing to give me that opportunity. Yet here I am finding myself back in that pit of despair and regret. It's not any fault of your own it's my fault. My fault for being selfish and greedy and hungry. I open my fucking mouth and all I ever got was trouble and the pattern continues because I'm too stupid to keep it shut. Torn between wanting so desperately to be included and wanted or just silent and alone because I have no self control. This is why I wanted a new start, but maybe I just don't fucking deserve one.

If I didn't still want to do things with you I'd have just written it off, or done something far more aggressive or rude. I do though. Trust me, you wouldn't feel this bad if you weren't a decent person about it. I've had people just blow me off on trades before and you are clearly not one of them.

Hugs tight

*hugs* ;w;

Bliss, to me it seems that the person you need to apologize most to is yourself.

Someone I love dearly displays behaviour like that. Don't hate yourself. You don't need a license to live.

Everybody here likes you.

And your art is aces.

We all forget, it is no big deal.