-hugs tight- nothing's wrong with talking about it, especially where there's a whole community of people who care about you

(hugs)

Thank you, I'm- so incredibly terrible at opening up on the regular and trusting people in general.
Hopefully someday I can change that for the better.

Please, don't feel guilty, no one is blaming you for nothing, for my part I'm thankful that you share your problems with us.

Anything that we can do to make you feel better, please let us know

I'm terrified of sharing because- I have such horrible trust issues.

It's easier for me to be more open online because, you can't see my face or hear my voice, you wouldn't know if I was crying or breaking down, I can't trust anyone with those parts of me, along with being raised to feel guilt for feeling or emoting I'm- horribly confused almost constantly about what I should do or feel.

That's sweet of you to offer, I wouldn't even know what would make me feel better.

For me too, I'm very antisocial in real life, that's why the internet is so great, it allows us to open in a way we can't do in person

Well, the least I can do is offer you someone to talk to, you don't have to feel guilty with me

It's better to talk about your problems, instead of letting them build. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now, and hope they get better

Are you feeling the pressures of life? Responsibilities of getting a job and buying a car and stuff?

Honey, I am so sorry you are going through this. I get where you're coming from, I still struggle with depression every single day. You are a beautiful person. I consider you my friend though we haven't talked in a long time (my fault), and I genuinely care about you. And when you talk about suicide, my heart goes out to you...and I don't even want to imagine how devastating it would be to myself and many, many other people if you went through with that. You could try calling suicide helplines...I have tried that before myself. It didn't help me much, but you might find a bit of peace talking to someone who cannot see you, judge you, or have to know anything you don't want to tell them.

I want to suggest something to you and I mean it with the highest love and I dont' mean to be patronizing at all. A few years ago I started aggressive self help to help with my own emotional breakdowns and feelings of worthlessness. There is a book called "Happiness is a Choice" by Barry Neil Kaufman http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Cho...../dp/0449907996
it's exactly that. At literally any moment, no matter what is happening to you (short of violent attack to your person, perhaps), you have the ability to choose how you think about it, how you respond. Like when you wake up in the morning, you are "allowed" to focus on and think about positive things, like your artistic ability, friends that you love, your favorite shows, or super simple things like how nice it feels to take a shower. And when pressures build on you from other people, you have the choice to either believe their negativity and internalize, or disagree with their negativity and form your own opinions of yourself. Just like you can choose to see a bad situation as a good one disguise. I heard once that even the most negative, damaging things that happen can be seen as a chance at spiritual growth. The strongest, most compassionate people usually have gone through some shit.

it's like your powers at creating certain thoughts and attitudes are like muscles; it seems that some of yours are atrophied so badly it seems like you can't use them, if I may be so bold. But they can always be built up. maybe you can start small and carve out one "selfish" hour a day, where you get to draw, watch, do, think, feel whatever you choose. Nobody owns you, certainly not 24 hours a day.

i'm not trying to say that this is an easy thing to do, or that your depression is your fault, or that you can expect to "cure" yourself with positive thoughts in a small amount of time. I'm just saying that you truly are an amazing person, stronger than you think, to have gone through all that you already have, and you are still here. Something inside of you loves you enough to have kept you here so far, and that same something motivated you to write this journal and reach out to people. I recognize this part of you that is fighting so hard. By no means is my depression/anxiety cured, and just the other day I sobbed for hours straight after an online convo with my mother...I am far from stable. But I honestly believe getting into stuff like the Law of Attraction, happiness is a choice, and spiritual stuff similar to that has literally saved my life.

another suggestion: when you are in a negative situation, try imagining you are a different person. Ether you have spiritually left your body and you're looking down and watching yourself interact with others, or you are inhabiting/possessing a different identity. How would you judge this "other" person when they talk? If someone is being mean or pressuring you, is that fair if that happened to someone else?

another happiness is a choice style article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/.....n_4384433.html

and if it seems selfish or wrong ot you to make your own personal happiness a priority, think of this: you can be even more helpful to your family when your'e feeling better. You make better choices when you are feeling good, which affects not just you but everyone in your life. whatever it takes to make you feel good, even if just for a moment, is worth it to yourself and everyone you love. imagine again that you are someone else watching you go through this; I know you have a compassionate heart; don't keep that compassion from yourself, because right now you deserve it the most!

Valerie's Letter

"I know there’s no way I can convince you this is not one of their tricks. But I don’t care. I am me.

My name is Valerie. I don’t think i’ll live much longer, and I wanted to tell someone about my life. This is the only autobiography that i’ll ever write, and – God – i’m writing it on toilet paper.

I was born in Nottingham in 1985. I don’t remember much of those early years. But I do remember the rain. My grandmother owned a farm in Tottlebrook, and she used to tell me that God was in the rain.

I passed my eleven plus, and went to a girl’s grammar. It was at school that I met my first girlfriend. Her name was Sarah. It was her wrists – they were beautiful. I thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew.

Sarah did.

I didn’t.

In 2002 I fell in love with a girl named Christina. That year I came out to my parents. I couldn’t have done it without Chris holding my hand.

My father wouldn’t look at me. He told me to go and never come back. My mother said nothing.

I’d only told them the truth. Was that so selfish? Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have.

It is the very last inch of us.

And within that inch, we are free.

I’d always known what i’d wanted to do with my life, and in 2015 I started my first film: The Salt Flats.

It was the most important role of my life. Not because of my career, but because that was how I met Ruth. The first time we kissed, I knew I never wanted to kiss any other lips but hers again.

We moved to a small flat in London together. She grew scarlet carsons for me in our window box. And our place always smelt of roses.

Those were the best years of my life.

But America’s war grew worse and worse, and eventually came to London.

After that there were no roses anymore. Not for anyone.

I remember how the meaning of words began to change. How unfamiliar words like “collateral” and “rendition” became frightening. When things like norsefire and the articles of allegiance became powerful. I remember how different became dangerous.

I still don’t understand it: why they hate us so much.

They took Ruth while she was out buying food. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. It wasn’t long until they came for me.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place.

But for three years I had roses – and apologised to no-one.

I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch.

But one.

An inch.

It is small and it is fragile, and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I hope that - whoever you are - you escape this place. I hope that the world turns, and that things get better.

But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may not meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you: I love you.

With all my heart.

I love you.

-Valerie."

antoniorca I love you.

You wanna hear the truth? I'll give you the truth, regardless of if you can handle it.

Truth is, Depression isn't a battle. It's a war. A war that, for many, never ends. Much like in war, you can take the easy way out (suicide) or keep fighting but be forced to endure it all. Some days, you win battles and feel kinda alright. Others, you lose it and get the shit kicked out of you. In my case, even when happy I'm aware I'm still fighting this internal war. The difference between me and you is I've been desensitized to this inner violence pretty damn fast (perhaps due to will, perhaps due to how I was brought up). I've already got plenty of scars, still getting more (hell of a thing when a romantic fantasy ends up corrupted... 15 minutes of living 80,000 years of isolation and pain before I fell asleep. Proof, if ever, that my fears hold me not), but you're not hardened. Probably had depression long, idk your age (be rude to ask), but you're still green compaired to me. I've learnt that depression fights dirty and the best you can do most days is claw and bite its face till it bleed.

The truth of the matter is you might be fighting this for a long time. It's easier for others to fend of, but you seem like you were dumped into this fight with no desire to need to cling to existance. But, without sounding like a dick, you gotta suck it up. You're gonna get 50 shades of shite kicked out of you by depression and you need to learn to hold your own and give as good as you get. This isn't the cushy 'I'm here for you' speeches I've given before and it's nothing what others have put, but I firmly believe you can win this if you give it all you've got. Just remember, when it's you alone against an army of darkness within your heart, that you should never let it change who you are. War, even one against depression, changes a man once he's let it sink into his blood.

A blade made of man and metal can end your suffering at the price of your life, but it takes a blade forged from your will, your soul, your defiance, to truely kill the monsters roaming in your heart.

Well said, mate.

I've had depression most of my life too, many times I've called myself useless, pathetic, a waste of flesh, several times I've contemplated suicide, as early as 11 years old! But you know what Tsu? I fought through. It took me time, but I did and I finally found the right medications that work best to help me along. Read both of these, and fight this war, I-no WE- ALL OF US here know you can fight this. You just have to try.

oh lord, things are always bad for you guys right?