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That odd mix of ennui and anxiety
10 years ago
Well, I promised y'all I'd have an actual journal up soon (or eventually). Well, here it is, for all those interested in reading my random mix of musings. So what's the theme of this journal? Wait, did I ever give journals themes? Well, they tended to have a main point or something. But, really, there just lacks a main point.
The main reason I haven't been writing journals is just, if not due to lack of time because of all the school work I got, is probably due to lack of interest. Or perhaps dedication. I'm not quite sure what the correct word is. I'm at this point in my life where changes are going to be happening everywhere. Graduation is officially a month away, and I'm no closer to figuring out what I'm doing post graduation now than I was earlier this year or last year or when I began college. But no matter how much I wish for it to slow down, one can't alter the flow of time, and so the real world fast approaches with the speed of an oncoming car, and I'm merely the fly that's inevitable gonna collide with the glass wall of the windshield.
And so, this feeling of anxiety has washed over me. I'm not ready for the real world. I don't feel ready. This piece of fancy paper I will get in a month's time that is a bachelor's degree doesn't mean I'm ready. Hell, it doesn't even mean I'm guaranteed a job. I sent an email out the other day to a research institute I'm really hoping to be able to work for after I graduate. If that pans out, it could open so many opportunities. But I find it difficult to be optimistic, as I'm pretty much putting all my eggs in one basket. If it doesn't pan out, I'm screwed, so I should probably be working on my backup plans.
Meanwhile, I'm finding harder and harder to care about school. As much as I'm scared for what lies after, I just want to get it over with. The stress of this semester has, at times, been near unbearable. And as a result, I had to drop a course to survive. And that course was, unfortunately, my drawing course. Dropping that course has been the biggest blow to my confidence / self-esteem in, I don't know how long. I've had hopes I could be an artist by hobby, but dropping that course has basically crushed that. I feel like a quitter, and a no talent, no skill, shit artist. And in turn, that made it hard to think I'd do well in my career path as well. Which in turn, just makes me feel depressed. Or perhaps ennui is a better term. I find it hard to get excited about anything nowadays. Things feel rather pointless. A friend of mine insists I try a new hobby, and no matter how much I want to, I inevitably convince myself that pursing such a path will not only bring disappointment, but all sorts of misery as well. I've stopped living life. I just float by. Going a day at a time, trying to do well enough to get a piece of paper that says I'm good at something no matter how much I believe otherwise. And the irony is people who hire want people who are confidant. It's this self fulfilling prophesy of shit, because I can't muster the confidence to say I'm good at something, so therefore I won't get any job I want. In fact the only I've been able to convince myself I'm worthy of doing is my minimum wage job.
I need to stop this. It's depressing just reading, yet that's how I feel. This odd mix of anxiety and ennui. I don't live life because I'm too afraid. I'm afraid of not living life. And so, let's bring things back to here, and why I don't write journals or post pictures. One of the casualties from my depressive spiral has been my interest in the fandom. I don't mean it to say I'm quitting the fandom. Just wondering why I try to participate so much if really I do nothing at all? I can't draw anything worth anything. I don't have the money to go out to cons or get more commissions. Why buy a fursuit? Not enough opportunities to suit to justify it. And it would be forever before I get one I want, anyways. Might as well use that money for more important things, like whatever may happen post-graduating. I'm starting feel like I don't fit in here. I mean, I have plenty of friends here, but with the wider fandom, I don't feel like I fit in. The local furries, for the most part, I don't fit in with at all. I don't know how to describe it. So why try to invest time and money and effort into a fandom where, at the end of the day, I'm just a loner?
I don't know. Shit's been tough lately, and it's got me questioning everything I do. Perhaps in month's time, when I have this whole college thing behind me, things will be looking better. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I should trust my friend who says I'll be able to get a good paying job with the degree I get. That might be true. But will it be a satisfying job? I'm tried of floating through life. I want to start living it. But I need to learn to stop being afraid of trying to live it, first.
Anyways, that whole thing came out a hell of a lot more depressing than I intended. Perhaps that's for the better. I needed to vent. Sorry to all those reading this. I hope y'all have a good day. Or at least one better than mine.
The main reason I haven't been writing journals is just, if not due to lack of time because of all the school work I got, is probably due to lack of interest. Or perhaps dedication. I'm not quite sure what the correct word is. I'm at this point in my life where changes are going to be happening everywhere. Graduation is officially a month away, and I'm no closer to figuring out what I'm doing post graduation now than I was earlier this year or last year or when I began college. But no matter how much I wish for it to slow down, one can't alter the flow of time, and so the real world fast approaches with the speed of an oncoming car, and I'm merely the fly that's inevitable gonna collide with the glass wall of the windshield.
And so, this feeling of anxiety has washed over me. I'm not ready for the real world. I don't feel ready. This piece of fancy paper I will get in a month's time that is a bachelor's degree doesn't mean I'm ready. Hell, it doesn't even mean I'm guaranteed a job. I sent an email out the other day to a research institute I'm really hoping to be able to work for after I graduate. If that pans out, it could open so many opportunities. But I find it difficult to be optimistic, as I'm pretty much putting all my eggs in one basket. If it doesn't pan out, I'm screwed, so I should probably be working on my backup plans.
Meanwhile, I'm finding harder and harder to care about school. As much as I'm scared for what lies after, I just want to get it over with. The stress of this semester has, at times, been near unbearable. And as a result, I had to drop a course to survive. And that course was, unfortunately, my drawing course. Dropping that course has been the biggest blow to my confidence / self-esteem in, I don't know how long. I've had hopes I could be an artist by hobby, but dropping that course has basically crushed that. I feel like a quitter, and a no talent, no skill, shit artist. And in turn, that made it hard to think I'd do well in my career path as well. Which in turn, just makes me feel depressed. Or perhaps ennui is a better term. I find it hard to get excited about anything nowadays. Things feel rather pointless. A friend of mine insists I try a new hobby, and no matter how much I want to, I inevitably convince myself that pursing such a path will not only bring disappointment, but all sorts of misery as well. I've stopped living life. I just float by. Going a day at a time, trying to do well enough to get a piece of paper that says I'm good at something no matter how much I believe otherwise. And the irony is people who hire want people who are confidant. It's this self fulfilling prophesy of shit, because I can't muster the confidence to say I'm good at something, so therefore I won't get any job I want. In fact the only I've been able to convince myself I'm worthy of doing is my minimum wage job.
I need to stop this. It's depressing just reading, yet that's how I feel. This odd mix of anxiety and ennui. I don't live life because I'm too afraid. I'm afraid of not living life. And so, let's bring things back to here, and why I don't write journals or post pictures. One of the casualties from my depressive spiral has been my interest in the fandom. I don't mean it to say I'm quitting the fandom. Just wondering why I try to participate so much if really I do nothing at all? I can't draw anything worth anything. I don't have the money to go out to cons or get more commissions. Why buy a fursuit? Not enough opportunities to suit to justify it. And it would be forever before I get one I want, anyways. Might as well use that money for more important things, like whatever may happen post-graduating. I'm starting feel like I don't fit in here. I mean, I have plenty of friends here, but with the wider fandom, I don't feel like I fit in. The local furries, for the most part, I don't fit in with at all. I don't know how to describe it. So why try to invest time and money and effort into a fandom where, at the end of the day, I'm just a loner?
I don't know. Shit's been tough lately, and it's got me questioning everything I do. Perhaps in month's time, when I have this whole college thing behind me, things will be looking better. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I should trust my friend who says I'll be able to get a good paying job with the degree I get. That might be true. But will it be a satisfying job? I'm tried of floating through life. I want to start living it. But I need to learn to stop being afraid of trying to live it, first.
Anyways, that whole thing came out a hell of a lot more depressing than I intended. Perhaps that's for the better. I needed to vent. Sorry to all those reading this. I hope y'all have a good day. Or at least one better than mine.
I totally get it. It a big scary world out there that I don't feel prepared for. The only thing pushing me to finish school is the thought of not being in school.
I'm nearly two decades older than you and I -still- don't know the answers :D I'm not sure where I fit in. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and lack the wherewithall to make some kind of 'plan', like the rest of the world seems to have done :D
As for fitting in here, most of the population of FA are just watchers... You've had some amazing art commissioned and shared it with us, you've commented on pieces and replied to comments by others (and I mean proper, thoughtful replies rather than "Your opinion sucks" or creepy "I want that dick/boob in mah mouf!" shit) and from your comments and journals you seem like a nice guy. That's what the community needs. Hell, that's what the WORLD needs! I try to do these things as well, but my sense of humour and IMMENSE sarcasm are often misunderstood, leading to anger and/or upset 9.9
Ok, this took way too long to formulate (I am totally dyslexia's bitch) but the point is; keep on trucking. Life sucks at times. We lose the plot (if there ever was one!), fall off the horse etc. :) Get back up, eat the fucking horse, spit it's heart at someone, pound your chest and roar a challenge to all comers! Or, considering the size and weight of a horse's heart and the size of the average mouth making it impossible to 'spit' it more than a couple of feet, get back on it instead. Your choice. Former is FAR more dramatic though... :>
I got my degree in my mid 30s, surrounded by, ionno, 19 - 22 year olds? I felt totally out of place and perceived them as understanding everything far better than I was and that they were all about alcohol, sex and nightclubs (whereas I just wanted to get home, hug my dog and lose myself in WoW or a videogame) >.>
Oh, and don't get me started on how some people type shit here >:/ I don't mind the crazy happy ones so much, but the "I type like a 2 year old would talk" types make me to stab them in the eye with a salad fork. If someone is legitimately slow witted through a mental disorder, that's fine (well, it's not exactly fine, it's a horrible thing that they almost certainly did nothing to deserve). Guess it comes down to an honesty thing. I have issues :D
What you said to SchrodingersFeline above is interesting though... Are you possibly a bit OCD? I know -I- hate not having a routine (though I also hate HAVING a routine, so it's not a simple thing) ;) A lot of what you said (and what I read between the lines) leads me to think you're depressed, stressed out, have some anxiety issues and maybe some minor OCD going on... ALL of these things are closely linked, feed off of one another, and are all treatable! Something to just lessen the impact of these for a few weeks / months whilst you get things organised and get settled in a new job. Once life is roughly on track, you probably won't need them any more (this is assuming it's due to current pressures and not a general body chemistry thing) :)
Hopefully I've gotten the main points I wanted to address across... This tiny amount of reading and typing explanations/advice has taken nearly 2 hours and my brain is fried. It's looking more like a word-search puzzle than a page of text :D
... Finally though, the part you said confidence? Confidence is 90% bullshit/bravado ;) If you have the required paperwork or training, you can do a job. You may make mistakes or need to to ask advice from colleagues at first, whilst you get settled, but everything is a learning process. Tell the over-analytical part of your brain to take some down-time and leave you the hell alone :)