FA+
Shop
Taking Control (Confessions, Hiatuses, And Text Walls)
9 years ago
Okay, before you stop reading expecting another pity party of a journal post, such as the previous...10 or so journals, please note this isn't a pity party. This is not being written in a depressed stupor. It's a rare moment of optimism fueled by a combination of Starbucks, Kahlua, and Bailey's. Also, this is going to be quite the text wall, so pleas bear with me. It's important for anyone who cares. What I am about to say will be difficult for me to say, but it must be said. The first step to healing is confession, right? Maybe that's bullshit. Whatever. Here I go. *deep breath*
My name is Kevin, and I am suicidal. Now, before you go raising alarms, yes Skips isn't my first name. It's still my name, but my proper first name was supposed to give this gravitas. Now, before you go raising alarms again because I just admitted to being suicidal, please note I am not in any current danger of taking my life at this moment. So, everyone calm? Good.
I may have admitted a couple people in the past about this. I may have hinted at it in previous journals. But I think this is the first time I actually call myself out on it. How serious is it? A day doesn't go by where I don't have some thought or urge to kill myself. I don't know when those thoughts started, to be honest. But I can't say I remember a time where I was free of them. Mostly, it's been quiet, passing thoughts I've passed off as mild sadness. When I took surveys at the student wellness center at my university, it would always say I was in danger of suicidal tendencies. But I didn't believe it, despite having those thoughts. But in the past year or two, those thoughts went from quite, unconscious, easily dismissed and forgotten thoughts, to me actively thinking them. Actively telling myself I should die whenever I look myself in the mirror. Actively telling myself I'm a piece of shit in the quiet moments I'm alone with my thoughts. Actively considering stopping every time I near the train tracks to throw myself into an oncoming train.
Save for one time, I've actually tried choking myself, I never acted on anything. I used to easily dismiss those thoughts as stupid. But with every passing day, it becomes more of a battle to wrestle with my own mind to bury those thoughts. I've put up a facade (that has been cracking in recent months) to hide those thoughts from others and make everyone think everything is fine. But every day, it gets more exhausting to fight those thoughts. Hence all those journals recently of me talking about how shit I am. There are good days, when I have enough distraction that I don't think those thoughts. But there are bad days, where it seems every other thought is about taking my life.
I've been concerned recently. That 2016 will be the year. Worried that the day will come that I lose that mental battle. The day I write up a note, leave it for my folks, leave it here, leave it on Skype for my friends, and before anyone convinces me otherwise I will actually kill myself. I don't want to go that far down. I know no matter what I write, I could never convince my folks that despite how awesome or loving they are that it wasn't their fault. I could never convince the friends I have that lost others to suicide that they aren't at fault to losing so many people. I know killing myself will only hurt those around me, and that's often times been the ONLY thing that's kept me from acting on those thoughts.
It's difficult saying all this. It's difficult admitting how broken I feel, despite all everyone around me has tried to make sure I'm not broken. But if I continue to ignore this, then that fateful day will come and I will be too far gone mentally to stop myself, because in that moment it will make sense for me to die. But if I admit it, if I confess it to others, maybe I can actually start fighting it. Maybe 2016 won't be the year. Maybe no year will be the year. I want that. I want to finally destroy this self loathing that's been plaguing my life for years before it destroys me.
So that's what this journal is about. Not wallowing in self pity, but actually taking control of my life for once.
How do I do that? By being selfish for once and focusing on myself. I reflected on the journal I wrote a couple days ago, and I've determined a hiatus is actually something I need. I need to stay away from the places that cause me to negatively compare myself from others. And I spend too much time on FA and doing stuff in the fandom that it's essentially become my life outside of work and the occasional meeting with friends in real life. By cutting out FA, I will have more time on focusing on improving my mental state.
I have a bit of a plan I came up with to tackle that: Self improvement on three fronts. I need to improve myself physically. I need to improve myself spiritually. And I need to improve myself mentally.
The Physical front is getting healthy. I weigh more now than I've ever been. My clothes have stopped fitting. It sucks. So, starting tomorrow, I will begin an exercise routine. I will begin trying to improve my diet. I don't necessarily need to start running marathons or anything, but I need to do something. Hell, I represent myself as a cheetah online, and cheetahs aren't supposed to be associated with possibly pre-diabetic obesity. So, I need to get more in shape and be healthy. This will be difficult. It will take time. It won't be done in weeks. Not even months. This will need to be a lifestyle change that I make permanent. I may succeed, or I may not and I end up walking away with my tail between my legs (heh, furry pun). But I must try. I must. Because if I don't end up killing myself actively, I will end up doing it passively through poor life choices. And that's unacceptable.
The spiritual front isn't meant to mean to find Jesus, or Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is a more abstract concept, and perhaps "spiritual" isn't the proper term, but I liked it in relation to "physical" and "mental". What this front means to start giving my life meaning. Start feeding my soul. Fulfilling that immaterial, indescribable need to....I don't know, it's indescribable. This means finding hobbies, checking things off my bucket list, finding new friends to expand my friend group, doing art, etc. I tried thinking of a few things. Road tripping with friends. Learning to spin poi. Taking pottery back up is a big one. If I can get back into pottery, it will do wonders for my spiritual health. I can say with full honesty that the best point in my life so far has been my senior year of high school. I had friends. I went on an amazing trip. And it was the height of my pottery career. I was actually good at it, unlike any other art form I've done. And I want to be good at it again. It will be fulfilling to have that in my life.
Thirdly, the mental front. This one will be the most difficult to directly tackle, considering my mind is actively working against me. But, there is one thing I can do. My suicidal thoughts, I believe, stem from a critically low self worth. If I am worth nothing, then what's the point of living? So, what I need to do is improve that self worth. How? I can't just tell myself that. I need to provide myself hard evidence and proof that I am not worthless. And that's the secondary goal of the Physical and Spiritual fronts. If I can get myself healthy, if I can give myself a meaningful life, then that may just be the hard evidence I need to convince my subconscious that I am not shit. And if that is not enough, I can seek help. Therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, what have you. If talking doesn't help it out, if this truly is caused from a chemical imbalance in my head, then I will bite the bullet and seek proper meds to get my brain on track. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but if it will help me fight my suicidal thoughts, then so be it. I'll do it.
Will this plan work? I have no idea. It can only work if I have the drive and determination and motivation to commit to it. Like I said, this needs to be a full lifestyle change to bring about self improvement. It will be hard. It will be difficult. But I never felt more determined to do this than I do now. Mostly because I don't want to die.
So back to the hiatus. What will that entail? Well, I'm not gonna drop the fandom cold turkey. I won't shut everyone out completely. What I will do is finishing posting the art I have. I don't want anything left in my queue to post. I'll probably try posting one a day starting tomorrow. Hopefully it will give me a proper wean off the fandom than stopping everything cold turkey. I will stop commissioning things for the time being. I will try to stop coming here every other minute. Perhaps once or twice a day won't be bad, but I won't be active. For people I know on Skype, Telegram, etc, I will stop initiating conversations. I will no longer actively participate in group chats. However, if you need me, I will still be able to be contacted. Just send me a message or something, and I will still get to you. This isn't me falling of the face of the earth. This is me taking the time online communication and furry fandom has taken out of my day so I can focus on my Self Improvement on Three Fronts.
What I am hoping is that by Spring or Summer to be in a better place mentally so that I can become more active again. I don't hate the fandom. I like it. Yes, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere here, but I can't deny that I still like it here. I want to come back to it. So I am making it a goal to come back.
And cons? I'm not writing them out. In fact, cons can factor in to the Spiritual Front (road trips, adventure, etc.) So, the cons I've been wanting to go to this year. FWA: would like to, but considering its timing, I will probably skip it to remain on my furry hiatus. Megaplex: I want to go to it. It is right there at my goal to be in a better mental place that I feel I can safely get back to the fandom. If I feel ready to go to Megaplex, I think it will be a good sign my plan is working. MFF: I missed last year. So many friends went. I want to go this year. Hopefully friends go again. And if I skip FWA, I should definitely be able to afford it. If it goes well, might be a perfect thing for the Spiritual Front.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel good. I feel optimistic for once. I think I might actually have a chance to beat this mental sickness of mine. And I don't have to abandon the furry fandom forever (hopefully) to do it!
It's time for me to take control of my life once. If this goes well, 2016 may be the best year I've had in ages. So here's to new beginnings, new years, and new plans.
Take care everyone. Here's hoping I can survive 2016.
My name is Kevin, and I am suicidal. Now, before you go raising alarms, yes Skips isn't my first name. It's still my name, but my proper first name was supposed to give this gravitas. Now, before you go raising alarms again because I just admitted to being suicidal, please note I am not in any current danger of taking my life at this moment. So, everyone calm? Good.
I may have admitted a couple people in the past about this. I may have hinted at it in previous journals. But I think this is the first time I actually call myself out on it. How serious is it? A day doesn't go by where I don't have some thought or urge to kill myself. I don't know when those thoughts started, to be honest. But I can't say I remember a time where I was free of them. Mostly, it's been quiet, passing thoughts I've passed off as mild sadness. When I took surveys at the student wellness center at my university, it would always say I was in danger of suicidal tendencies. But I didn't believe it, despite having those thoughts. But in the past year or two, those thoughts went from quite, unconscious, easily dismissed and forgotten thoughts, to me actively thinking them. Actively telling myself I should die whenever I look myself in the mirror. Actively telling myself I'm a piece of shit in the quiet moments I'm alone with my thoughts. Actively considering stopping every time I near the train tracks to throw myself into an oncoming train.
Save for one time, I've actually tried choking myself, I never acted on anything. I used to easily dismiss those thoughts as stupid. But with every passing day, it becomes more of a battle to wrestle with my own mind to bury those thoughts. I've put up a facade (that has been cracking in recent months) to hide those thoughts from others and make everyone think everything is fine. But every day, it gets more exhausting to fight those thoughts. Hence all those journals recently of me talking about how shit I am. There are good days, when I have enough distraction that I don't think those thoughts. But there are bad days, where it seems every other thought is about taking my life.
I've been concerned recently. That 2016 will be the year. Worried that the day will come that I lose that mental battle. The day I write up a note, leave it for my folks, leave it here, leave it on Skype for my friends, and before anyone convinces me otherwise I will actually kill myself. I don't want to go that far down. I know no matter what I write, I could never convince my folks that despite how awesome or loving they are that it wasn't their fault. I could never convince the friends I have that lost others to suicide that they aren't at fault to losing so many people. I know killing myself will only hurt those around me, and that's often times been the ONLY thing that's kept me from acting on those thoughts.
It's difficult saying all this. It's difficult admitting how broken I feel, despite all everyone around me has tried to make sure I'm not broken. But if I continue to ignore this, then that fateful day will come and I will be too far gone mentally to stop myself, because in that moment it will make sense for me to die. But if I admit it, if I confess it to others, maybe I can actually start fighting it. Maybe 2016 won't be the year. Maybe no year will be the year. I want that. I want to finally destroy this self loathing that's been plaguing my life for years before it destroys me.
So that's what this journal is about. Not wallowing in self pity, but actually taking control of my life for once.
How do I do that? By being selfish for once and focusing on myself. I reflected on the journal I wrote a couple days ago, and I've determined a hiatus is actually something I need. I need to stay away from the places that cause me to negatively compare myself from others. And I spend too much time on FA and doing stuff in the fandom that it's essentially become my life outside of work and the occasional meeting with friends in real life. By cutting out FA, I will have more time on focusing on improving my mental state.
I have a bit of a plan I came up with to tackle that: Self improvement on three fronts. I need to improve myself physically. I need to improve myself spiritually. And I need to improve myself mentally.
The Physical front is getting healthy. I weigh more now than I've ever been. My clothes have stopped fitting. It sucks. So, starting tomorrow, I will begin an exercise routine. I will begin trying to improve my diet. I don't necessarily need to start running marathons or anything, but I need to do something. Hell, I represent myself as a cheetah online, and cheetahs aren't supposed to be associated with possibly pre-diabetic obesity. So, I need to get more in shape and be healthy. This will be difficult. It will take time. It won't be done in weeks. Not even months. This will need to be a lifestyle change that I make permanent. I may succeed, or I may not and I end up walking away with my tail between my legs (heh, furry pun). But I must try. I must. Because if I don't end up killing myself actively, I will end up doing it passively through poor life choices. And that's unacceptable.
The spiritual front isn't meant to mean to find Jesus, or Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is a more abstract concept, and perhaps "spiritual" isn't the proper term, but I liked it in relation to "physical" and "mental". What this front means to start giving my life meaning. Start feeding my soul. Fulfilling that immaterial, indescribable need to....I don't know, it's indescribable. This means finding hobbies, checking things off my bucket list, finding new friends to expand my friend group, doing art, etc. I tried thinking of a few things. Road tripping with friends. Learning to spin poi. Taking pottery back up is a big one. If I can get back into pottery, it will do wonders for my spiritual health. I can say with full honesty that the best point in my life so far has been my senior year of high school. I had friends. I went on an amazing trip. And it was the height of my pottery career. I was actually good at it, unlike any other art form I've done. And I want to be good at it again. It will be fulfilling to have that in my life.
Thirdly, the mental front. This one will be the most difficult to directly tackle, considering my mind is actively working against me. But, there is one thing I can do. My suicidal thoughts, I believe, stem from a critically low self worth. If I am worth nothing, then what's the point of living? So, what I need to do is improve that self worth. How? I can't just tell myself that. I need to provide myself hard evidence and proof that I am not worthless. And that's the secondary goal of the Physical and Spiritual fronts. If I can get myself healthy, if I can give myself a meaningful life, then that may just be the hard evidence I need to convince my subconscious that I am not shit. And if that is not enough, I can seek help. Therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, what have you. If talking doesn't help it out, if this truly is caused from a chemical imbalance in my head, then I will bite the bullet and seek proper meds to get my brain on track. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but if it will help me fight my suicidal thoughts, then so be it. I'll do it.
Will this plan work? I have no idea. It can only work if I have the drive and determination and motivation to commit to it. Like I said, this needs to be a full lifestyle change to bring about self improvement. It will be hard. It will be difficult. But I never felt more determined to do this than I do now. Mostly because I don't want to die.
So back to the hiatus. What will that entail? Well, I'm not gonna drop the fandom cold turkey. I won't shut everyone out completely. What I will do is finishing posting the art I have. I don't want anything left in my queue to post. I'll probably try posting one a day starting tomorrow. Hopefully it will give me a proper wean off the fandom than stopping everything cold turkey. I will stop commissioning things for the time being. I will try to stop coming here every other minute. Perhaps once or twice a day won't be bad, but I won't be active. For people I know on Skype, Telegram, etc, I will stop initiating conversations. I will no longer actively participate in group chats. However, if you need me, I will still be able to be contacted. Just send me a message or something, and I will still get to you. This isn't me falling of the face of the earth. This is me taking the time online communication and furry fandom has taken out of my day so I can focus on my Self Improvement on Three Fronts.
What I am hoping is that by Spring or Summer to be in a better place mentally so that I can become more active again. I don't hate the fandom. I like it. Yes, I still feel like I don't belong anywhere here, but I can't deny that I still like it here. I want to come back to it. So I am making it a goal to come back.
And cons? I'm not writing them out. In fact, cons can factor in to the Spiritual Front (road trips, adventure, etc.) So, the cons I've been wanting to go to this year. FWA: would like to, but considering its timing, I will probably skip it to remain on my furry hiatus. Megaplex: I want to go to it. It is right there at my goal to be in a better mental place that I feel I can safely get back to the fandom. If I feel ready to go to Megaplex, I think it will be a good sign my plan is working. MFF: I missed last year. So many friends went. I want to go this year. Hopefully friends go again. And if I skip FWA, I should definitely be able to afford it. If it goes well, might be a perfect thing for the Spiritual Front.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I feel good. I feel optimistic for once. I think I might actually have a chance to beat this mental sickness of mine. And I don't have to abandon the furry fandom forever (hopefully) to do it!
It's time for me to take control of my life once. If this goes well, 2016 may be the best year I've had in ages. So here's to new beginnings, new years, and new plans.
Take care everyone. Here's hoping I can survive 2016.
Exercise and eating better will both help improve matters and should give some very early results... You'll have more energy, feel less lethargic and the two activities should help to maintain each other ;) You definitely want to try and avoid diabetes. It fucking sucks :D I've had it for most of my life and it often becomes an excuse to not do things >.>
All in all, I like your plan! It IS achievable and you should notice early changes :) Weight loss takes a while and may seem a lot slower than it actually is (because whilst you burn off some fat you also increase muscle and muscle is heavier than fat... apparently) :) Also may help to ask some of the "Muscle Fur" types on here for advice, if you want to gain muscle mass whilst losing the fat (my friend was chatting with Man1c-M0g but there should be plenty of people in the "unitedmusclefurs" group willing to help) :)
All the best, dude! You can do this! \o/
I hope you can conquer the thoughts, and the fact that you made this journal kinda proves you're willing to and can. Keep it up man.
How about that, you caught the attention of a complete stranger and managed to make them concerned. I can't really offer any advice, but again, good luck with everything.
Do it bro
I'll talk to you when you get back!!