*Hugs*

Borderline as well? ~_~ Next to PTSD?
Do you feel like that is true? Can you imagine that being right? I mean...if that borderline should have emerged from that situation you told me about...it shouldn't be possible to have a relationship with someone then at all. And keep a solid relationship up even less.
But you do ._o what I get from our conversation, no?
I'm no expert. Surely I'm not. And please don't take it as an insult or anything against you - that never was my intention. I just wanted to tell you to not forget listening to yourself and your own feelings as well with all the experts around you ;)

I can only rely on what they say, but I guess the follow-up with the psy will help to get more in-depht about what I am or not. This is kinda a "first diagnostic" that might change as the psy learn more about me, my situation, etc.

I don't know honestly, I have a friend that is borderline too and do have a long term relationship like me. It's sure harder than for most people as we often feel like a burden for over-reacting to all and nothing, and yes there is days that my husband just want to give up because I'm litterally unstable when it comes to emotions. My tendancy to automutilate to relieve my emotions is a part of what made the psy believe I am borderline. And the fact when people act negative to me, I feel I'm the cause of it and will act like I am the worst person in the world, at the opposite if people are kind and smooth with me, I will act positive. I'm too submissive if we can say, to what people feel, think and do around me, and will directly be related to them. If they hates me for nothing, I will not necessary hate them, but I will feel guilty or even angry. There is days I feel good, I feel like everything will be okay because people make me feel that way... and other days I feel like killing myself is the only way to stop being a burden. I don't have stability on my emotions, my way to act and can hardly keep friends, I always end up loosing them without knowing why exactly. In average, it takes me 1 year to trust somebody enough to be comfy with and only "a few hours" to lose my trust and start back at zero. One of my previous best friend described me as a "wild tiger staying itself in his caged mind"

Ah I see! Oh yes, they do say diagnoses can possibly change in the course of time.

My. I can see why he thought of borderline then. I'm so sorry. You get no false pity from me, I truly am.
Well, if there should be a moment when I trigger bad emotions and you write me back in that situation I'll not just go away. I know that people can have bad days, but with us, when you're in mental trouble already, the 'bad days' just happen to be 10 times worse than they are with the happy people.
If you come to think that you are a burden to people the next time...you'll know that you will not be that burden to others fo the rest of your life. That 'being a burden' already stops when you try to get help. That's a totally different path then and people just SEE that YOU are doing your best to change. Or better, to let go of the wrong beliefs and acquire healthier ones :)

Yes I try my best to stay positive no matter how much my emotions goes up and down everyday. That's not easy, especially considering I'm all by myself around 85% of the day and so nobody can stop me when I start to have very bad behavior (like mutilating or panic attack). Yet only my cat relieve me a little when I'm by my own, and writing of course. I can explain myself way better in writing than I'm able to do it orally. I hate speaking, I always feel like people with make fun of me but I am never able to say why I'm afraid of it ^^'

Yes sadly some persons still think being mentally ill is just being lazy or not wanting to have a real social life or job. I try my best with psy sessions and various activities (especially when my husband can assist me to go outside), but despite that I always feel like a burden. I know the fact I DO try to get better and do what I can to go toward this way is a good step, but I can't stop thinking negative about myself :(

Do you think it will be different when you will have your dog with you around when you are home all by yourself?
Creative works are a good way to communicate ones emotions and get them a little less dangerous for oneself. I found them relieving too when I was desperate enough to harm myself.

It will change over time. I'm very confident you'll learn to acknowledge and cherish your positive sides one day since you really seem to want to escape that hell. All of us got negative sides since we're human...but we have to place our good sides first and then think about our negative sides, if they really are such at all.

I'm confident it'll be as he will help me go outside (I can't bring my cat everywhere for obvious reason :P) and the dog will be trained to help me when I do panic attack. Creative works is a great part of what I'm doing when I'm shut inside all by my own, but my will to do it goes up and down... For example I like to draw, but there is time than for months I don't want to do it at all and just can't enjoy it.

Actually I feel it's PTSD that might be somewhat wrong? I am still very stressed with what happened in my childhood and it's clearly a part of why I have so many struggles with my mental health, but when I look on, let's say, Wikipedia about PTSD, I don't feel like it's right. Like the fact I am able to speak about what I lived when I was young without being too much stressed...

Yes, both diagnoses next to each other made me a little surprised.
If you honestly feel that that doesn't match you then you probably are right with that. (Cause as much as they all know and have learnt about diagnoses and symptoms, you always are the expert for yourself cause no one knows you better than you.)

I do sometimes have traumatic memories about that event, especially if somebody slap a child in front of me. I just CAN'T stand it and it triggers panic attack. But, I don't feel I have anything else that could really be related to PTSD except that.

I do agree, nobody can know ourself... better than ourself. If it was my "long-term" psy I could be more confident about it, but since it's kinda a "new one", he may still have things to learn about me.

With PTSD, it's more like these panic attacks catch you out of the blue. Like you're lying in your bed and suddenly feel the earth quaking after having suppressed the memories of a traumatic earthquake before.

But it's 'normal'. I couldn't say I feel nothing at all anymore when I see a rape scene on TV during a film. It will always stay with you, but, it won't leave you devastated anymore once you've integrated that experience in your life :)

Pretty much what I understood of PTSD too and that's why I really doubt I have it

What doesn't kill us, make us stronger I guess :)

THAT is the BEST quote to choose. I've chosen it for my life a long time ago as well. Maybe it sounds hilariously tough and macho, but that's the best point to view that from and survive it.