On my 18th birthday, at 4:30 AM, I packed up all of my worldly possessions in my car, reviewed the tattered remains of my old life and, and, with a wing and a prayer, drove up north to a place I hadn't been to, to live with people I didn't know. It was exhilarating, scary and profoundly stupid to do. My years in Detroit were pretty harrowing, but I bent and took everything in stride.

I did not break.

Two months before my 36th birthday, I will pack all of my worldly possessions in my car, review the tattered remains of my old life and, with a wing and a prayer, drive up north to a place I've been once, to live with a generous couple for a short while before finding a more permanent place. It's exhilarating, scary and, some would say, quite a gamble.

I'm older now. Some would say wiser, although I chalk it up to making all the easy mistakes early. I know how low one can be pushed. I've seen what it's like to fall. I've seen the ground, and narrowly avoided it many, many times through sheer luck. I'm not as flexible as I was as a kid. It was easy to jump when I didn't know how far down it went. I know now.

I pray I bend.

I pray I do not break.

____

I cried tonight.

I didn't cry at my wedding, even though my heart was full of absolute joy.

According to my first wife, I only cried once that she saw. My current ex found me on the porch, sobbing my eyes out, and she was unnerved.

I haven't cried for a decade, but I cried tonight.

I don't know what the future holds, but I am finally opening my eyes to see what I've left behind. Let's hope that this time, I do better.