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Sad Week
10 years ago
I really hate it when I have this kind of week, people always get pissed off or tell me to get over myself. Not even realizing I don't cry often, even less speak about what I'm feeling. Honestly, I hate myself too ok? Do you know what it's like to be vulnerable and squishy, it's weak. I hate being weak. I hate being preyed on. I hate being too nice. I hate being too mean. I hate being lonely. I hate being alone. but there's something I hate more. I hate lies, I hate my past. I hate the people that could see I was struggling and made it their game. Too bad I only forget things I don't want to.
Speaking of forgetting about things; I bring you to topic #1. My ex, I've found it incredibly hard to let go of him. Just him, all the others I told to go fuck off since they wanted to be players. I've made my own steps and determination with moving on finally from him, though I hit some snags. Such as what is appropriate to get rid of? That... I haven't already. It'd be kinda awkward to be in a new relationship and have them stumble upon old high school crap. That even you forgot you had.
The how do the fuck do you heal issue? Yeah, other then all the shit my family has done this person has made a HUGE impact on me both good and bad. The bad mainly being my trust isn't easy to come by, and at times it is going to be like pulling teeth. So! I GUESS I have to write a journal or something to get the whole un-resolved feelings solved or something. I just read a little bit of it at work, and thought yeah I can do that. Also would be an excellent thing to have around so that when he comes around again and unfortunately I know he will, did it with my best friend and when he was single which was supposedly the life he wanted "with the bitches" so yes I know he'll probably be bothering me around my birthday. Which gotta tell you it was a bit hard not to tell him bout my animals but I figured why bother, I had to find out from Facebook the rabbit we got together and I named died suddenly.
I've been on this whole kick where I wanna get people out of my life that are toxic, and generally not my friends. If they don't have the time to text me once in awhile to have a chat, go out and do something I want to do, or in general that im important to them I see no point in keeping the friendships. I already got rid of one last year, who was a college friend but constantly walked all over me. She was warned not to fuck with my friend's feelings and she did it anyways. She paid her price with more then just a tongue lashing, I was so fucking tired of her everything is about me bullshit. Trying to talk to her was a fucking chore, she'd interrupt, be rude and plain distasteful.
I've been not keeping contact with my best friend from high school, the only remaining friend that I had anything to do with the click I put together. Mainly because she's not been a good friend to me in the past, while I been a peach. Well if a peach had tooth and claws. Maybe a rambutan is a better fruit? Anyways, I've always had her back. Supported her, gave her my advice. Especially with relationships and babies. I invited her often to come stay with me, to have lunch with me, even to go see a movie I knew she would like. But the thing about her is is that she's totally two-faced. She'll lie right to my face about wanting to do something with me and I show up and she's not there. That's just rude. If you don't wanna hang out with me you don't have to, and obviously if she's been getting away with that shit this long I haven't. I just prefer people be honest with me. Because honesty hurts my feelings a lot less then lies do.
I mean... just imagine being lied to so often that you couldn't trust anyone. It's lonely, it's dark, it can even be insanity. The question rings.... "Why can't anybody just be honest with me?"
So I'll probably be doing the journal at some point, but I wont post it up or anything. There's a bit too much hurt and raw emotion for that. I might do some art to these songs as they do reflect some of my emotions, should have some time since I wont be dead on my feet unlike this week where I've had two nine hour shifts and most of the others were mornings. I literally laid on the grass in my yard and passed out for two hours earning a sunburn. >o<
AMV #1 - Impossible
https://youtu.be/Hq9qtGelmoY
Self-explanatory
AMV #2 - What if I need you
https://youtu.be/W93R9rtZbXs
Also self-explanatory
AMV #3 - Kryptonite
https://youtu.be/rJtQa-l9gOI
Pretty much self explanatory; I've mentioned something a few times that I'd rather not get into a few times in prior entries that mention him.
AMV #4 Payphone
https://youtu.be/uUIAWIJvgR0
I've looked up the meaning for these lyrics a few times and I have to say the meaning I found was satisfactory.
Anyways you see any of these four it'll probably be vent art.
Speaking of forgetting about things; I bring you to topic #1. My ex, I've found it incredibly hard to let go of him. Just him, all the others I told to go fuck off since they wanted to be players. I've made my own steps and determination with moving on finally from him, though I hit some snags. Such as what is appropriate to get rid of? That... I haven't already. It'd be kinda awkward to be in a new relationship and have them stumble upon old high school crap. That even you forgot you had.
The how do the fuck do you heal issue? Yeah, other then all the shit my family has done this person has made a HUGE impact on me both good and bad. The bad mainly being my trust isn't easy to come by, and at times it is going to be like pulling teeth. So! I GUESS I have to write a journal or something to get the whole un-resolved feelings solved or something. I just read a little bit of it at work, and thought yeah I can do that. Also would be an excellent thing to have around so that when he comes around again and unfortunately I know he will, did it with my best friend and when he was single which was supposedly the life he wanted "with the bitches" so yes I know he'll probably be bothering me around my birthday. Which gotta tell you it was a bit hard not to tell him bout my animals but I figured why bother, I had to find out from Facebook the rabbit we got together and I named died suddenly.
I've been on this whole kick where I wanna get people out of my life that are toxic, and generally not my friends. If they don't have the time to text me once in awhile to have a chat, go out and do something I want to do, or in general that im important to them I see no point in keeping the friendships. I already got rid of one last year, who was a college friend but constantly walked all over me. She was warned not to fuck with my friend's feelings and she did it anyways. She paid her price with more then just a tongue lashing, I was so fucking tired of her everything is about me bullshit. Trying to talk to her was a fucking chore, she'd interrupt, be rude and plain distasteful.
I've been not keeping contact with my best friend from high school, the only remaining friend that I had anything to do with the click I put together. Mainly because she's not been a good friend to me in the past, while I been a peach. Well if a peach had tooth and claws. Maybe a rambutan is a better fruit? Anyways, I've always had her back. Supported her, gave her my advice. Especially with relationships and babies. I invited her often to come stay with me, to have lunch with me, even to go see a movie I knew she would like. But the thing about her is is that she's totally two-faced. She'll lie right to my face about wanting to do something with me and I show up and she's not there. That's just rude. If you don't wanna hang out with me you don't have to, and obviously if she's been getting away with that shit this long I haven't. I just prefer people be honest with me. Because honesty hurts my feelings a lot less then lies do.
I mean... just imagine being lied to so often that you couldn't trust anyone. It's lonely, it's dark, it can even be insanity. The question rings.... "Why can't anybody just be honest with me?"
So I'll probably be doing the journal at some point, but I wont post it up or anything. There's a bit too much hurt and raw emotion for that. I might do some art to these songs as they do reflect some of my emotions, should have some time since I wont be dead on my feet unlike this week where I've had two nine hour shifts and most of the others were mornings. I literally laid on the grass in my yard and passed out for two hours earning a sunburn. >o<
AMV #1 - Impossible
https://youtu.be/Hq9qtGelmoY
Self-explanatory
AMV #2 - What if I need you
https://youtu.be/W93R9rtZbXs
Also self-explanatory
AMV #3 - Kryptonite
https://youtu.be/rJtQa-l9gOI
Pretty much self explanatory; I've mentioned something a few times that I'd rather not get into a few times in prior entries that mention him.
AMV #4 Payphone
https://youtu.be/uUIAWIJvgR0
I've looked up the meaning for these lyrics a few times and I have to say the meaning I found was satisfactory.
Anyways you see any of these four it'll probably be vent art.
Hyoka
~hyoka
:|
