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anther depressing journal to ignore
10 years ago
It seems every day, whether intentional or not, someone or everyone will remind me how pathetic I am. As an artist, and as a person.
What is my dream? Well, after learning my Niece turned 4 last week I discovered I wanted to be a hero. I want to be a person she can look up to, a person she can point to her friends and say “that’s my uncle” and brag about the amazing things I’ve accomplished. To be a person who comforts her when she’s sad and saves her when she’s in trouble.
And then I realized that I could never accomplish that. Oh sure, I’m a nice guy, everyone tells me that and I admit it. But Nice, isn’t good enough to be a hero. People don’t look up to a nice guy, people don’t brag about nice guys, they don’t consider a nice guy as in inspiration, and least of all… a nice guy can’t save people or get the girl.
A hero is a person of talent... they can take a million ideas and turn them into masterpiece, they are the people you brag about, Stan Lee, Usain Bolt, Lauren Faust, Karbo, joshscorcher, the Nostalgia Critic. They inspire people, they give people joy, and they can save people… I couldn’t even stop someone close to me from committing suicide when she turned 30.
I’m pathetic, no matter how hard I work and no matter how hard I push myself and run myself ragged to the point of frustration and rage I can accomplish anything worth a damn. My computer is packed to the gills with ideas, concepts and projects I couldn’t stop thinking about no matter how hard I tried to block them out, projects that are mind blowing and game changing, but I can’t even start them or share them because everyone hates my work. I compared myself to M. Night Shyamalan, a man who started out as an amazing person, even if his works were not the best and was praised and supported to become the next best thing. But then he made one mistake and his whole world came crashing down. Now I’m too scared to even start a project let alone finish one that’s halfway. Unless it’s something for someone else I can’t stomach the courage to do art. I can’t even write a story worth for shit.
I found the only copy of my first ever story “Salem Academy” the story that became my rise and my downfall. It was pathetic, no wonder it got the hate that it did towards the end. I ended up setting it on fire in the back patio so I would never look at it again, hoping it would put my fears to rest. But no, everyone is asking “when’s your comic coming out?” “You were so excited to get your work out, where is it?” and it sets me off like a bomb... It reminds me that I’m not capable of anything.
I can’t even turn to people for help or talk to them about my problem. They are “too busy” which just means they don’t want anything to do with me, or they give me the same sentimental bullshit found in a Saturday morning cartoon just to shut me up. My parents are no better, mom thinks I’m stealing other peoples work or art styles and my dad doesn’t understand anything I’m saying because he’s into computers, not comics. Maybe if I wrote a classical novel he’d pay attention. Even the people I know as artists look down on me as an artist; I’m the least talented in my circle of friends. They have ongoing stories and web comics while I’m stuck as, and I’m quoting my art teacher, “A KID WITH A COLORING BOOK!” My medium is hated by artists and I can’t write a story worth shit, “Salem Academy” anyone?
What next, turn to the fan bases for any of my fan art? That’s what got me in this state to begin with!!! Why trust them? Pokemon, Yugioh, hell even bronies! The so called “Nicest fanbase” is a lie, the popular bronies are CRITICS, used to evaluate and criticize the show to their greatest effect, and any bronies I know personally either dropped out after the first season or ragequit because of “Princess Twilight”
I feel like a broken record saying all of this, but it always comes around even on my best days to remind me I’m not worth anything and disappear when I wake up the next day and the cycle starts all over again. Every time I feel happy something triggers it…
Sorry to waste everyone’s time if you made it this far. It won’t be the last, so expect another of these in the future. If I can’t be a hero for anyone, what’s the point in me existing?
What is my dream? Well, after learning my Niece turned 4 last week I discovered I wanted to be a hero. I want to be a person she can look up to, a person she can point to her friends and say “that’s my uncle” and brag about the amazing things I’ve accomplished. To be a person who comforts her when she’s sad and saves her when she’s in trouble.
And then I realized that I could never accomplish that. Oh sure, I’m a nice guy, everyone tells me that and I admit it. But Nice, isn’t good enough to be a hero. People don’t look up to a nice guy, people don’t brag about nice guys, they don’t consider a nice guy as in inspiration, and least of all… a nice guy can’t save people or get the girl.
A hero is a person of talent... they can take a million ideas and turn them into masterpiece, they are the people you brag about, Stan Lee, Usain Bolt, Lauren Faust, Karbo, joshscorcher, the Nostalgia Critic. They inspire people, they give people joy, and they can save people… I couldn’t even stop someone close to me from committing suicide when she turned 30.
I’m pathetic, no matter how hard I work and no matter how hard I push myself and run myself ragged to the point of frustration and rage I can accomplish anything worth a damn. My computer is packed to the gills with ideas, concepts and projects I couldn’t stop thinking about no matter how hard I tried to block them out, projects that are mind blowing and game changing, but I can’t even start them or share them because everyone hates my work. I compared myself to M. Night Shyamalan, a man who started out as an amazing person, even if his works were not the best and was praised and supported to become the next best thing. But then he made one mistake and his whole world came crashing down. Now I’m too scared to even start a project let alone finish one that’s halfway. Unless it’s something for someone else I can’t stomach the courage to do art. I can’t even write a story worth for shit.
I found the only copy of my first ever story “Salem Academy” the story that became my rise and my downfall. It was pathetic, no wonder it got the hate that it did towards the end. I ended up setting it on fire in the back patio so I would never look at it again, hoping it would put my fears to rest. But no, everyone is asking “when’s your comic coming out?” “You were so excited to get your work out, where is it?” and it sets me off like a bomb... It reminds me that I’m not capable of anything.
I can’t even turn to people for help or talk to them about my problem. They are “too busy” which just means they don’t want anything to do with me, or they give me the same sentimental bullshit found in a Saturday morning cartoon just to shut me up. My parents are no better, mom thinks I’m stealing other peoples work or art styles and my dad doesn’t understand anything I’m saying because he’s into computers, not comics. Maybe if I wrote a classical novel he’d pay attention. Even the people I know as artists look down on me as an artist; I’m the least talented in my circle of friends. They have ongoing stories and web comics while I’m stuck as, and I’m quoting my art teacher, “A KID WITH A COLORING BOOK!” My medium is hated by artists and I can’t write a story worth shit, “Salem Academy” anyone?
What next, turn to the fan bases for any of my fan art? That’s what got me in this state to begin with!!! Why trust them? Pokemon, Yugioh, hell even bronies! The so called “Nicest fanbase” is a lie, the popular bronies are CRITICS, used to evaluate and criticize the show to their greatest effect, and any bronies I know personally either dropped out after the first season or ragequit because of “Princess Twilight”
I feel like a broken record saying all of this, but it always comes around even on my best days to remind me I’m not worth anything and disappear when I wake up the next day and the cycle starts all over again. Every time I feel happy something triggers it…
Sorry to waste everyone’s time if you made it this far. It won’t be the last, so expect another of these in the future. If I can’t be a hero for anyone, what’s the point in me existing?
