Laying in bed and it's just horrendous this feeling of dread and worry. It's suffocating. I thought I was ok, laid in bed and tried to think of sleep but it's creeping and weighing down on me. Thoughts running and tumbling like a tsunami, the wave hitting hard and destroying me.

What will happen. Do I have everything sorted. What is something goes wrong. What if it doesn't work. What if I don't make it. I end up worse. The kids worry. They cry. I miss them. I miss the new grandkids be born. I'm too sick in recovery to meet them. I forget my puzzles. The food is strange. The clothes are comfy. The painkillers are managed. The nurse isn't friendly. The sheets
Be uncomfortable. I can't sleep. There isn't wifi. I can't use my mobile. I can't get nice food. I'm not allowed my lucky damn cap. My dog gets fed and walked. My garden gets covered in weeds. My clothes get creased. My razor is forgotten. Sally cries. She gets upset. She doesn't sleep. She stays and doesn't get rest. She doesn't eat. She doesn't cope. My son struggles. My daughters worry and get upset. I can't hold their hands. I can't hug my kids. I can't see those smiles. Hear laughter. What if. What if I die. What will they do. Will they be prepared. Have I got everything prepared. Is the will checked. Is the funeral directors sorted. Are my finances in order. What if I missed something. What if I never see my kids again. My grandkids. My nephews and neieces. My brothers. My sister. My family and friends. What if someone forgets to tell my online friends. Will they know. Will they realise. Will they worry. What if someone gets hurt. What if I hurt someone. My art gets lost. What will happen to it. My page. My online accounts. My emails my online life. Where will it go. What will become of it. Will it all be forgotten. Will it matter. What matters. I don't feel like I matter. I don't feel alive. I feel like a rotting corpse in utter misery. I just want to sleep. Not cry. This is too much