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Feeling bad - A rant. Feelings/inner monologue.
10 years ago
But in a good way, promise.
I was ready to let this day just end on this terrible, sour note, from everything that had been happening today...
I had woken up at around 2:30ish, maybe a little later.
My one day late birthday celebration was moved from this one day late to the two days late, tomorrow.
A grand total of...11 people actually knew about my birthday.
Four were my family (and this is me including my mentally disabled brother, which is pushing it, and yes, I mean he is medically proven as mentally disabled, he can't form words and can't learn anything). They're making me pay for my birthday when we all go out...tomorrow.
Five were online friends...well, I guess six. I used to know one of them irl, but we barely talk anymore and he hasn't really been much of a friend. But one of them was busy with babysitting, one was overly tired and not feeling well from work, one I barely talk to, and the other was busy with commissions before he went to sleep.
And then the last was my boyfriend. He's great. -//-
And with all of these things progressing throughout the day, I was generally left on my own. Even my boyfriend was a little quiet, but that's just normally how he is, and he knows that's the usually best way to handle me.
But for a while...I just felt really alone in the world for a lot of today. It was like even after finding people that might've actually cared for me, it turned out that none of them was really actually interested or invested in me enough to really, really step outside of their comfort zones.
But...that's bullshit.
If there's anything that I've always been proud of myself for, it's learning to understand people.
I learned how to understand people without them telling me much because I knew that that was what I wish someone could do for me... To look at me and for me to not say a word, and for them to understand anyways.
Not in a sort of weird animal sense or manga sense of one look in my eyes says all there is to say, but...
To realize that I'm probably someone who's not talking for a reason. Who's in the mood I'm in for a reason.
The friends that weren't able to be here with me had their own lives to take care of. Commissions are hard work. The friend feeling down about work has good reason to feel down, especially when life comes crashing down. The friend who's been babysitting is uber-popular and rarely has time to himself to really pick and choose on his own who needs attention the most among his friends, because he's super considerate like that. The one friend that I included has been busy with life, he went from being in a UPS job, to trying out to be a cop, to going to college, and this is all after dropping out of the university where we both met and dropped out of.
My family couldn't help that I had work on my birthday, or that my sister wanted to use today to study for her exams. Truth be told, I'm pretty tired today anyways from sing some sleeping meds, so I'd be eating half awake and not really enjoying my food. Besides, sidenote, not a fan of my parents, if you've never heard of it.
My boyfriend has been quiet, even though I don't always understand that since half the time we're either RP boning or talking about interesting things. But he's always been a listener, something that really clicked for me into hi, seeing as all my life I've been naturally stifled by religion and hard Asian parents. And especially now, in my times of trouble, even though part of the reason he doesn't talk is because he isn't as articulate as he'd like to be in moments like these (and nobody is, so no high horses), a large part of it is also because he considers how fragile I am.
I feel bad. I feel bad because after all of this...people were still able to come through.
Sure, it was only a few of them, but they pushed aside their lives for a few moments. To be pervy with me. To sing me a happy birthday. To tell me that they'll see me tomorrow. To say that they wished they had more time with me. To show that they really are there and thinking of me.
Having even 11 people who can do that...that's more than enough. And I'm proud to have so many in my life.
Thank you all for a happy first half of a birthday. I'll happily accept more birthday greetings and/or things of a similar nature whenever you should wish. Love you all, dear deerlings. <3
I was ready to let this day just end on this terrible, sour note, from everything that had been happening today...
I had woken up at around 2:30ish, maybe a little later.
My one day late birthday celebration was moved from this one day late to the two days late, tomorrow.
A grand total of...11 people actually knew about my birthday.
Four were my family (and this is me including my mentally disabled brother, which is pushing it, and yes, I mean he is medically proven as mentally disabled, he can't form words and can't learn anything). They're making me pay for my birthday when we all go out...tomorrow.
Five were online friends...well, I guess six. I used to know one of them irl, but we barely talk anymore and he hasn't really been much of a friend. But one of them was busy with babysitting, one was overly tired and not feeling well from work, one I barely talk to, and the other was busy with commissions before he went to sleep.
And then the last was my boyfriend. He's great. -//-
And with all of these things progressing throughout the day, I was generally left on my own. Even my boyfriend was a little quiet, but that's just normally how he is, and he knows that's the usually best way to handle me.
But for a while...I just felt really alone in the world for a lot of today. It was like even after finding people that might've actually cared for me, it turned out that none of them was really actually interested or invested in me enough to really, really step outside of their comfort zones.
But...that's bullshit.
If there's anything that I've always been proud of myself for, it's learning to understand people.
I learned how to understand people without them telling me much because I knew that that was what I wish someone could do for me... To look at me and for me to not say a word, and for them to understand anyways.
Not in a sort of weird animal sense or manga sense of one look in my eyes says all there is to say, but...
To realize that I'm probably someone who's not talking for a reason. Who's in the mood I'm in for a reason.
The friends that weren't able to be here with me had their own lives to take care of. Commissions are hard work. The friend feeling down about work has good reason to feel down, especially when life comes crashing down. The friend who's been babysitting is uber-popular and rarely has time to himself to really pick and choose on his own who needs attention the most among his friends, because he's super considerate like that. The one friend that I included has been busy with life, he went from being in a UPS job, to trying out to be a cop, to going to college, and this is all after dropping out of the university where we both met and dropped out of.
My family couldn't help that I had work on my birthday, or that my sister wanted to use today to study for her exams. Truth be told, I'm pretty tired today anyways from sing some sleeping meds, so I'd be eating half awake and not really enjoying my food. Besides, sidenote, not a fan of my parents, if you've never heard of it.
My boyfriend has been quiet, even though I don't always understand that since half the time we're either RP boning or talking about interesting things. But he's always been a listener, something that really clicked for me into hi, seeing as all my life I've been naturally stifled by religion and hard Asian parents. And especially now, in my times of trouble, even though part of the reason he doesn't talk is because he isn't as articulate as he'd like to be in moments like these (and nobody is, so no high horses), a large part of it is also because he considers how fragile I am.
I feel bad. I feel bad because after all of this...people were still able to come through.
Sure, it was only a few of them, but they pushed aside their lives for a few moments. To be pervy with me. To sing me a happy birthday. To tell me that they'll see me tomorrow. To say that they wished they had more time with me. To show that they really are there and thinking of me.
Having even 11 people who can do that...that's more than enough. And I'm proud to have so many in my life.
Thank you all for a happy first half of a birthday. I'll happily accept more birthday greetings and/or things of a similar nature whenever you should wish. Love you all, dear deerlings. <3
