Ok, So I have been feeling down a lot lately. I think I have figured out why, and I am about to share with you the history of my pain over the past few years.

My first lesson in the pain of loosing a loved one was a little. . . missed I guess you would say. I was very young when my Grandmother (on my fathers side) passed away in 1999. I was around 12 or 13 when my Grandmother passed. I don't think that at that age I was capable of understanding what was going on. I loved my Grandmother, and I miss her dearly still to this day. She was a wonderful woman, always thinking of others and doing little things to show that she cared. I want to be just like her. I want know what it's like to care for those close to me and think of them with everything that I do. I didn't really understand the pain from that until later down the road. This was the first person that had passed that I was really close too.

Skip forward many years to 2011. The only other things that I had lost through all that time was my pets that I loved dearly. I was unaware that my Fiance who I was living with (with his parents) for the past year and a half would be the next person that passed. It was a horrible day, and I still remember it like it just happened. He had blacked out while on the way to go lay down because he wasn't feeling well. He hadn't been feeling well for some time now. Despite our pleas with him to go see a doctor, he wouldn't. To be honest by that time they said it probably would have been too late to day anything to save him. He had 3 massive blood clots, one in each lung and another in his right leg. They said that his heart had overworked itself trying to get the blood to flow past those clots. It just stopped. It was by far the worse day of my life so far. He was 22 years old.

Now here we are in 2013. I had my alarm set to get up early for college. I slept through the first call. The second call I figured it was something important, my sister never calls me right back unless something is up. So I answered. Through her tears she tells me that my Grandfather (on my mother's side. I never knew a grandfather on my dad's side.) had passed away. I am really sad to say that I was partially numb from 2011. I did cry, I was hallow though. I wasn't in a state where I could feel the pain that comes with losing someone you love. It wasn't fair to my grandfather and I felt like I was horrible person for not being able to show the emotions that I was feeling. I later talked to my sister about how I was feeling at that time, and she explained to me that she was in the same position when my Grandmother passed in 1999. I guess this helped a little, but I still feel bad and I just hope that he knows that he was the world to me.

2013, just months later, my Grandmother (on my mothers side, and the one that just lost her husband) finds out that she has stage 4 ovarian cancer. They give her six months to a year. I wouldn't wish this one the worse person in the world. Watching a loved one go through something like cancer is horrible, heartbreaking, and hard to get over. She did fight strong for a good year and a half. We lost her a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I won't go into details on what she went though, but if you have a loved one with cancer my heart goes out to you.

2014 A week exactly after saying my final goodbye to my grandmother. I get the call that my Uncle (my dad's brother) has passed away. He had been having some issues and was in and out of the hospital, more in than out. He eventually got to the point where he was having to breathe through the aid of a machine. When they took him off he could breathe on his own for a little while but then she would stop and need the machine again. Eventually the doctor caught him while he was awake and explained what was going on, and asked if he wanted them to put the breathing tube back in if they take it off and she stopped breathing on his own. He said no. So the next time they took the tube out, he stopped breathing, and was gone. I think this time around, because I wasn't really close to my Uncle, that I was feeling more heartbroken for my father. I know they have always been close, and this would be hard for him.

2014 Thanksgiving day. I show up to my mothers house for dinner and I am confronted with the news that my Step-fathers Father has passed away. Needless to say, this makes for a very gloomy Thanksgiving.

So to the reason I have been feeling down lately, after all this, all these years, We finally got around to going through my fiance's stuff. (Me and his parents that is.) A lot of the stuff we decided that we should get rid of, because it was just going to sit around an collect dust. Well after all was said and done I felt like I was betraying him. I felt like I should have held on to that stuff and never gotten rid of it. I know that isn't practical, and I didn't get rid of all of it, I kept many things that were close to my heart and his. I just felt like I was getting rid of HIM when I was getting rid of his things. I felt horrible, I still do. Long story short (it's probably a little to late for that isn't it?) I have been feeling really down, and it's really been effecting how I am living my life. I haven't been eating right, and I feel horrible everyday it seems. I am hoping that getting all this out and talking about it helps me to understand what I'm feeling and understand how to handle it. I don't know if it will, but I have always been a believer that talking things out, or writing things out can help. I have also been told that if someone you love dies suddenly that you should write down all the things that you want them to know, and that is how you tell them now. This is a therapeutic thing to help not feel so lost and get some true closer. It really does help. I will say it's not easy. It's very heartbreaking to sit down and write everything you wanted them to know. I cried. . . a lot. It was uncontrollable which I think is all part of the process though. Even if you don't lose the person suddenly I would advice doing this. It really does help.