Kinda wanna be more honest with myself lately, so I can start to grow a little more.

And my painful fact for today is:

[My mood is often if not always affected by my wins and losses in the different competitive games that I play.]

Once, a long time ago, I told myself that I would be the best. That no one ever was.

But then I grew up and found that I wasn't. Like... at all.

Not even a little, at anything...wait...that's not quite right.

I always had a Luigi level of skill, not Mario.

The Falco level of skill, but never Fox.

The Player 2 level of skill.

But I could never be Player 1.

And I didn't even have a Player 1 to be Player 2 to.

Everyone was just...better.

Sure, I could beat someone newer to the game.

But other than that, I would just end up second best, which as most people in the situation know, might as well be third best.

And I know that it shouldn't, but...it's affected my mindset about a lot of things.

Cuz...I'm Asian. And idk how white people get it from their parents, but the Asian stereotype about parents is often true, especially moreso for Filipinos than most other normal Asian parents that are always all "Be a doctor, be a doctor."

For Filipinos...we become nurses.

We literally become...What could almost be viewed as the number two.

An entire race of Luigis. Borne most likely from living in a world and lifestyle where our highest goals are really just to get a job that can support a life of family, second family, friends of family, other friends, people you want to help, and then little things for yourself.

Do I believe that that kind of lifestyle and way of looking at the world as something and a bunch of someones that deserve our help? Absolutely not. Filipinos are quite possibly the most daringly compassionate people on the face of the Earth, I promise you that.

...But I'm also American. And as an American I cherish, quite a bit, my ability, honor, and right to be selfish.

I cherish that right to enjoy what the people before me prepared me for, without thinking for a second about them.

Because can we be honest for like five seconds.

When I'm jacking off to watching a guy's face get sloppified by hot, musky, manly stud meat...the first thing should not fucking be:

"Man...I'm grateful for the Filipinos that were slaughtered in numerous wars and imprisoned by the Spanish, who showed us to be miserable enough that the Americans were able to pity us and save us."

My thoughts are more along the lines of:

"I better remember what I'm gonna fucking eat after this, I'm gonna be hungry as FUCK after I bust this nut two or three times in a row."

And I cherish that. I really really do. Because it means that my life is good.

And fuck all that shit about "Either you suffer now and enjoy later, or enjoy now and suffer later" bullshit.

Maybe I'm a dreamer and a fantasist, but I believe in a life where you can keep on enjoying things throughout. It will definitely NOT be enjoying things 24/7... But that's even more reason to believe that you should be enjoying things all throughout.

Take me and my boyfriend for example. He lives in California, and I live in Virginia. To be honest with ourselves, we're both still practically kids. He works at Target, I work at Walmart. We're not making massive money, especially with him helping pay bills in the house with his dad and brother, and me being forced to pay bills only because my parents were horrible parents and prepared me in life only to be attached to them, so that I could just be their prize pig when they got older and just keep on siphoning money off of me through guilt comparable to Catholicism (which isn't far off, seeing as it's one of the major religions in the Philippines).

But my point being...long distance relationship. It reaaaally fucking sucks. We make each other laugh and smile and jizz and all, but...It is what it is. Not being able to hold the one person who makes life tolerable when you're at the point where you need meds to sleep isn't a fucking great time, a fact agreed by both of us several times.

But soon...we're going to be selfish. Even with all of the shit that we've been through in our own lives, we're going to push all that shit under the rug for a few seconds, hold hands, and walk in the sunshine...of a table lamp, because we're totes probably just gonna be in bed together on our computers, or playing on our 3DS's.

...I am now realizing that I got completely offtrack. The above was me being excited about soon getting to see my boyfriend for the first time. I imagine we're not the first online relationship to finally meet in real life for the first time, but no way is it any less important for me.

Going to the Anthrocon in Pittsburgh on July 9-11. My first ever con, that's gonna be nervewracking. Stupid amounts of thanks to  Ryarik , without whom this is probably not gonna be possible. My boyfriend has been paying bills, and I'll soon be paying "rent"

(which is quotated because it's not really rent, it's my parents saying that they want to make me pay them money for being in their house, even though I wash their dishes, take care of my brother, cook them food, spoil them with snacks, pay for the gas in the car, and don't ever answer back when they make me feel like a useless waste of space)

And between all of that, we thought that this July wasn't going to be possible...But the smileyboo is helping us raise money with some commission art. Go watch and commission shtuff from him, he's bloody amazing...Sure, he has jizz level pronz, but more than anything, you can't really get anything from him that doesn't make you smile when you see it. 10$ or so for a genuine smile and art? Worth every cent. I'd commission him, but...You know. Kinda makes no sense when we're both raising money. Train ticket, hotel ticket, con ticket, spending money, dildo money. I'm booked right now. =w=

Anyways, that's been me. Peece.