It's that time again, folks. My depression has once again flared up and made me feel miserable, I have burdening emotions that I need to get off my chest and now I'm going to bore you to tears with it. The main purpose with this journal will just be for me to lighten the pressure on my heart but if someone out there sits back with an odd desire to understand why I am so messed up in the head, then maybe it'll be relevant for you to pay attention. Realistically, who reads these journals anyway? This journal will probably just be selected and removed like any other journal flooding your inbox. However, I don't really have anywhere else to go and there's no better place for me to vent. So if you have a problem with reading about other people's woes, then I strongly recommend that you click away from this journal and return to your own little happy life where there's no place for the damned and neglected.

The eternal quest for cohesion

The word "cohesion" has really earned itself a great significance in my life and not only because it is one of the most prominent aspects of the book I am writing. It is the underrated indulgence that most people take for granted and that I, ironically, desire more than anything else in this world. Every person who know me just to some degree should've acknowledged that my life has turned into a major crusade based on building bridges and making friends. Not just any kind of friends, mind you, true friends who actually care about me as I do for them. The truth is that this hopeless quest I am on involves very few victories and a tremendous amount of defeats. When I approach someone who seems like a decent person, my request for friendship is often turned down or completely ignored. If someone actually cares to give me a chance, they'll usually give up on me within a few weeks to a month because I apparently don't live up to their expectations. Sometimes, they also run for the hills once they discover that I actually expect more from a friendship than casual conversations about the weather. People are quick to trash those who show interest in having emotions and trust involved with a friendship. Their vague idea of a "friendship" is apparently that we must never get to know eachother probably, we cannot show any type of concern for eachother's situations and whichever interactions we share must be so shallow that it boils down to nothing but a waste of time. Is this what you people call a "friendship"? Yes? Well, let's see how many of your followers will rush to your aid when misery finds you. You'd be surprised if you knew how few friendships are actually fueled by pure loyalty.

I know as a fact that there are a handful of people out there who has nothing but contempt for me. Some people are strongly convinced that I'm a dreadful spawn from the flames of hell who eat babies for breakfast and newborn kittens for dinner. Some think I'm a crafty and devious skank who likes to manipulate people. They're blinded by the unbendable conviction that I am the worst scum alive and they plainly refuse to consider the thought that I am NOT a bad person. But before we label me as a "bad person", let me ask you a few rethoric questions to get your brain warmed up - How was your youth? Did you hang out with groups of friends in your free time? Did you have supportive parents who pumped you full of confidence and swaddled you with love? Well, I did not. I plunged through my childhood as a loner who had no one but myself to rely on. My social needs have never been sated. I've never experienced the sensation of being accepted into a group or feeling that I genuinely belong somewhere. I'm not fat, I'm not ugly, people just never gave two fucks about me. It seems like I have a cursed aura about me that somehow aggravates everyone around me - because even though I seldom uttered a peep throughout my childhood, people still scorned me to no end and wanted to see me bleed. That is pretty much the reason why I was drawn into so many fights during my childhood. It was almost a daily routine that someone wanted to beat me up in order to impress someone else with a higher rank in the social hierarchy. Not only did they refuse to invite me into their company... they even used me as a stepping stone to reach higher tiers in the hierarchy. I'm stronger than you'd think. I've punched countless faces and also received punches in return. I've thrown relentless punches with the intention to cause as much damage as possible. I didn't care what injuries I caused. Nor did I care what injuries I sustained. Why should I? Nothing is less reluctant than a soul that has nothing to lose. Sometimes, people grew so tired of how tough I was to take down on their own that they brought friends. That was among my first experiences of sheer humiliation and having your dignity shattered. I've been assaulted before by four older boys who pummeled me mercilessly and even kicked me after I was curled up on the floor. People around us looked but did nothing. Am I now nothing more than cheap entertainment?

Times have changed and I haven't been in a serious fight for years - but the neglect, violence and insecurity still haunts me to this date. The long life of solitude developed a conviction that I was never meant to have friends. I was never meant to feel the sensation of cohesion. I was never meant to belong anywhere. I'm just a hollow shell with no purpose of existance. A tiny spark of rebellion stirrs inside me and that is why I so actively seek the social companionship that I was never granted as a teenager. Everytime I crash my head into a wall or am led into another deadend, it further confirms that my quest is hopeless and that what I'm so eagerly seeking is not for me to have. My unsated desires transform into jealousy that gnaws on me from within. Imagine how it is to always stand on the outside and watch a person crowded by friends who love her company, knowing that its just another fellowship that I'll never be invited for. Believe it or not, but I am VERY self-concious and I've noticed that my desires have begun to take shape of mild cases of lunacy. You probably all know about my odd obsession about Faye88, a young woman here on FA who seemingly gets along with everyone. Except me, that is. Quite a while ago, I send her a friendly PM in hopes of starting a meaningful friendship and plunge into this social group to become part of it. She never uttered a word - just blocked me. She's nice to EVERYONE, but blocked me on first sight. I wouldn't be surprised if I was the only person on her whole blocklist. I've been trying my best to let go of her and move on, but my sick obsession still persists even today. If she had just told me to fuck off and go die somewhere like everyone else, I would probably have done so right away. I would never think about her again. But the lack of closure keeps my infernal obsession alive and makes me suspect that there's still a grain of hope somewhere. She clearly couldn't care less if I wound up dead somewhere, but... well, I really don't have much dignity left to defend, so I may as well be honest about how low and pathetic I've become... I actually created an account on Twitter this one day with only one purpose - to get in touch with Faye88. It's my only way to communicate with her and I occasionally drop her a friendly comment when she tweets. She just ignores me as if I didn't exist but at least I can play with the fantasy and pretend that I actually am part of something. Pitiful, isn't it? Guess I'm condemned to always be the "creepy peeping Tom" who peeks through the window of people's lives to admire what shall never be mine. It enables me to smell the fruit of fellowship that I shall never taste. Those who're not worth true happiness will have to make do with a simple illusion.

I know some of you are particularly furious at me because I am prone to seek the companionship of women. Yes, I worship females and stubbornly insist that they should be honored with a dash of chivalry. My method is very old fashioned and can be perceived as a forgotten remnant of the medieval era, and good gracious, you guys have really put a world of effort into making me seem like a monster because of it. Maybe I am... Maybe I'm not. I do not scheme to revive that discussion again but I do want to point something out that you may have forgotten. If we look past how infatuated I am by women, remember that I am a transgender. I am technically a "woman" - so of course I favor the thought about being invited into female company. It is natural. I like the thought of male company but prefer the company of females. Put yourself in my situation and ask yourself.... if you're a man, would you like to spend your entire life with females only? I'm sure you'd love that idea at first, but once you emerge from the lewd excitement of being the lone rooster in the coop, you'll probably realize that you'll miss having someone around who'll laugh when you fart on purpose and always is up for hardcore gaming on your new PS4. See what I mean? Welcome to my world. I am so terribly tired of always being expected to mingle with rowdy boys at every occation because I was born with a "male" body, when what I truly want is to plunge into the dense fog of perfume, join the slightly more sophisticated group of females and just... talk about random girly things.

I would've written more but I can't handle anymore for now. It's a tough subject for me to be open about but it had to be done for my soul to ever find rest. If you have read this far, then... Thank you.