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Personal Journal – Day 9: Values and Beliefs
10 years ago
General
Today, there’s a LOT to cover. Values and beliefs are an integral part of who we are. It’s what directs our actions, our focus, even our outcomes. Now, I’m sure SOMEONE is going to go back and say that I’ve already said “pain and pleasure control your life.” Well, that’s true. Pain and pleasure are two “sets” of emotional states we struggle to avoid and pursue. However, we have learned to label the levels of pain and pleasure, or rather assign them values. Herein, I’m pretty sure if we all sat down and took a look at these, we’ll find some fundamental issues. And so; off we go then…
Values and Beliefs: The secret to LIFELONG fulfillment.
So…Values… These are the different levels of pain and pleasure. If I took the top five values in my life, and put them in order from MOST important to LEAST important, they would look something like this:
1: Love
2: Freedom
3: Security
4: Comfort
5: Outrageousness*
Now…I already spotted something very VERY wrong with that list I came up with… Anyone else see it?** (This will be addressed later)
Okay, so maybe not, but that’s OKAY! This is exactly why we’re looking at it today.
EVERYONE has learned, throughout their life, to take different words (emotions) and give them different levels of importance. We all have a hierarchy of values that guides our everyday focus. Remember Day 8? I looked at focus, comparing our mind to that of a camera. These values dictate WHAT we focus on, whether it is good or bad. There are two sides to your hierarchy of values. Values you really want to get in life, things you strive for; and values you want to avoid.
At any point in time, our brain is going to do whatever it can to avoid MAJOR painful experiences and it’s going to do whatever it can to attain those pleasurable experiences. Now, by reprogramming your values, so to speak, you can make a change in such a fashion that your values will PULL you to your goals. For example. Success and fear of failure…If those are both in the number one spot of your lists, then there are going to be problems. Now, this doesn’t happen ONLY between the two separate lists, mind you. These conflicts can arise in the SAME LIST. Take mine, for example…
** I value freedom and security just about equally, but why is that a problem, exactly? Well, it makes it difficult for me to make a jump in life. It makes it difficult to move, to change jobs, to go out and have fun the way I used to. I want to be secure, know I have a stable job, a place to call home.
Defining our values
Now, some of you may be able to trace these values back some years. I was brought up in a very heavily Christian family, so you might have an idea of how much of a mess my lists are. This is a simple way to help elucidate our values. So, let’s ask ourselves this little question: “What is most important to me in ________?”
Now, something might come up here… As Tony mentions, we might get a response along the lines of “Family” or “Money.” Now, these PROVIDE us with something, but they aren’t necessarily what we value. The saying “The end doesn’t always justify the means” is a good example here. What we are looking for are the “end” values, or emotional states, for example. Feeling loved is the top of my list. *Feeling outrageous, or being playful, outgoing, and generally just a ball of energy (I know, typical fox, right?) is also very high up there.
So, get specific. Try filling the blank with these:
Relationships, life, business, physical health, mental health.
Now turn it around. What are some states you will do almost anything to avoid? – remember, pain is just as strong a motivator as pleasure, if not stronger.
Now, if we KNOW our values, we know what our brain focuses on the MOST. If those change, then everything changes.
Values come from a mess of experiences. They are a result of our neuro-associations. When we were growing up, our parents “trained” us, so to speak. When we did something they liked we got rewarded. We got attention. When we did something they didn’t like, we were punished. This goes on through school through our teachers and classmates. This even continues on through work, and even today, we are STILL forming and reforming values on a daily basis. They are being altered by everyone we come across in some way, and the KEY to directing our values, is self-awareness. Changing these isn’t easy, but similarly to changing a neuro-association, one must be able to evaluate the issues. If we are able to notice a conflict in the structure of our values, then we can work to alter them.
Now, beliefs. This is a whole new ball game. Values are what we aim for. Like archery or shooting, we need to be able to know when we hit the target. We don’t just fire blanks and expect to be able to tell whether the target was hit, right? That wouldn’t make any sense. No, we fire rounds instead. These leave a mark on the target to tell us whether we hit or missed. Not mark, we missed. Simple right? Well, it’s the same with our belief systems. We decide whether we hit or missed our values by a set of beliefs, or “rules”.
Get this: If I ask “What is most important in my life?” My response? Feeling loved. So; then I can go on to ask: “What does it take for me to feel loved? What has to happen for me to feel that way?” Well, now I’ve got things like; getting attention, being listened to, being held, and being wanted.
Now, in order to achieve ANY state you want to get into, you need to be able to hit those beliefs consistently. Using that same target analogy, we can make the target bigger, or smaller, depending on our beliefs. If I say…shot at a target the size of a dime with a handgun from 100 yards, do you think I’d hit it? Chances are, no. I might get VERY lucky from time to time, but 99.99% of the time, I’ll miss. But, without decreasing the distance, let’s say I made that target the size of a house. How about now? Well, chances are I’ll hit the dang thing! It’s only going to be something like 30’ in diameter (only). So; we can change our beliefs to allow us to reach a state more easily, or make it that much harder.
These beliefs also define our expectations of others, how we expect others to treat us and how we view them based upon how they treat us. Make sense? Take, for example, respect. My family, you got up and left the room if someone was being disrespectful for whatever reason. You never raised your voice for anything. EVER. No matter how mad you might be, you maintained control of your voice. But, if it ever came to a point where you were being yelled at for whatever reason, you got up and left. Staying put simply showed that you had no respect for yourself and thus, ALLOWED others to basically walk over you. So, as LONG as I maintain a more…calm demeanor, I generally expect people to stay put. I’ve shouted a few times and people just upped and left. Of course, if someone decides to raise their voice towards me, I also leave (generally).
So, let’s take a thorough look here. What are our core beliefs? As an example: “Is”, “Am” and “Are” statements such as; “Life is” or “People are” or “I am.” Well, here’s a problem. “I am not that smart anyway.” Well, if we believe that’s true, then we’re right. We really aren’t that smart. But bear in mind, if we believed just the opposite: “I am really quite brilliant.” Then we’re also right. We don’t have to have a high IQ to be smart. To quote Warren Buffet: “If you have more than 120 or 130 I.Q. points, you can afford to give the rest away.” Hell, I’d go so far to say that our IQ scores don’t matter if we can’t apply ourselves properly. Someone with an IQ of 50 is just as well off as someone with an IQ of 250 if neither person can manage themselves.
Now, what would happen if we had a belief that states “All foxes are sluts?” (Thank you...fandom...*Mutters*) So, let’s say we go somewhere with our vulpine friend, say…oh, a club (because that sounds like fun ^-^). Well, we’re not really going to notice much if they disappear from the table while we’re on the dance floor, we’d be too caught up in our own thing. But say it comes time to leave and our little foxy friend is missing…what’s the first question we’re going to ask? (And yes this has happened to me at LEAST once…) Well, it’s probably going to be along the lines of “Who’s he/she off sleeping with THIS TIME?!” See, our core beliefs determine which question we’re even willing to ask and which questions we ask habitually.
Now there’s something we can all do today that can change our lives for the better, and that is take these core beliefs that are holding us back, and get rid of them. Think about this: “I’m too young.” Or “I’m too old” or “I’m not smart enough” or even, “I don’t have the education.” Those kinds of beliefs literally shut down your ability to do something. As tony pointed out here… What happens if someone has the core belief of “Look before you leap” but ALSO believes “He who hesitates is lost.” Well, now you have a problem. Now, this is something mantras and affirmations change (when they work, anyway). I’m going to say this…
So, recap. Our values are what we strive to gain, and what we strive to avoid. Our beliefs (or rules) are what decide whether we have reached those values or not, and our core beliefs are what DEFINE us.
Remember: Our reality is based upon nothing more than our perception of life. No matter what anyone else may say about us.
1: Ask yourself this question: “What is most important to me in my life?” Make SURE we list END values, not means. No objects or quantifiable things. We’re looking for a set of intangibles, so to speak.
2: Rewrite that list in order of importance.
1.Love
2.Freedom
3.Growth
4.Outrageousness
5.Health
6.Security
7.Comfort
8.Affection
9.Compassion
10.Contribution
11.Humor
12.Creativity
13.Intelligence
14.Fairness
15.Passion
16.Reliability
17.Confidence
18.Tolerance
19.Power
3: Make a list of all the negative feelings we would do almost anything to avoid.
4: Rewrite the list of negatives in order of importance.
1.Depression
2.Anger
3.Resentment
4.Defeat
5.Jealousy
6.Inferior
7.Self-pity
8.Stress
9.Sadness
10.Anxiety
11.Annoyance
12.Frustration
13.Boredom
14.Desperate
15.Lonely
16.Manipulated
17.Poor
18.Resigned
19.Unforgiving
20.Shame
21.Judgemental
5: For EACH of these, write down what has to happen for you to feel this way?
Oh...kay...I'll maybe post this at a later date...this is going to take a while to finish....
6: Are there any rules that limit the quality of your life? Which of these are you willing to change in order to improve your life?
Rules? No...well maybe, but values, yes... Security and freedom, though a few places apart, are both very high on my list...Makes it difficult to manage. I'm sure I'll have more to add later!
“Life is not a destination. Life is a process that needs to be enjoyed on an ongoing basis.”
Values and Beliefs: The secret to LIFELONG fulfillment.
So…Values… These are the different levels of pain and pleasure. If I took the top five values in my life, and put them in order from MOST important to LEAST important, they would look something like this:
1: Love
2: Freedom
3: Security
4: Comfort
5: Outrageousness*
Now…I already spotted something very VERY wrong with that list I came up with… Anyone else see it?** (This will be addressed later)
Okay, so maybe not, but that’s OKAY! This is exactly why we’re looking at it today.
EVERYONE has learned, throughout their life, to take different words (emotions) and give them different levels of importance. We all have a hierarchy of values that guides our everyday focus. Remember Day 8? I looked at focus, comparing our mind to that of a camera. These values dictate WHAT we focus on, whether it is good or bad. There are two sides to your hierarchy of values. Values you really want to get in life, things you strive for; and values you want to avoid.
At any point in time, our brain is going to do whatever it can to avoid MAJOR painful experiences and it’s going to do whatever it can to attain those pleasurable experiences. Now, by reprogramming your values, so to speak, you can make a change in such a fashion that your values will PULL you to your goals. For example. Success and fear of failure…If those are both in the number one spot of your lists, then there are going to be problems. Now, this doesn’t happen ONLY between the two separate lists, mind you. These conflicts can arise in the SAME LIST. Take mine, for example…
** I value freedom and security just about equally, but why is that a problem, exactly? Well, it makes it difficult for me to make a jump in life. It makes it difficult to move, to change jobs, to go out and have fun the way I used to. I want to be secure, know I have a stable job, a place to call home.
Defining our values
Now, some of you may be able to trace these values back some years. I was brought up in a very heavily Christian family, so you might have an idea of how much of a mess my lists are. This is a simple way to help elucidate our values. So, let’s ask ourselves this little question: “What is most important to me in ________?”
Now, something might come up here… As Tony mentions, we might get a response along the lines of “Family” or “Money.” Now, these PROVIDE us with something, but they aren’t necessarily what we value. The saying “The end doesn’t always justify the means” is a good example here. What we are looking for are the “end” values, or emotional states, for example. Feeling loved is the top of my list. *Feeling outrageous, or being playful, outgoing, and generally just a ball of energy (I know, typical fox, right?) is also very high up there.
So, get specific. Try filling the blank with these:
Relationships, life, business, physical health, mental health.
Now turn it around. What are some states you will do almost anything to avoid? – remember, pain is just as strong a motivator as pleasure, if not stronger.
Now, if we KNOW our values, we know what our brain focuses on the MOST. If those change, then everything changes.
Values come from a mess of experiences. They are a result of our neuro-associations. When we were growing up, our parents “trained” us, so to speak. When we did something they liked we got rewarded. We got attention. When we did something they didn’t like, we were punished. This goes on through school through our teachers and classmates. This even continues on through work, and even today, we are STILL forming and reforming values on a daily basis. They are being altered by everyone we come across in some way, and the KEY to directing our values, is self-awareness. Changing these isn’t easy, but similarly to changing a neuro-association, one must be able to evaluate the issues. If we are able to notice a conflict in the structure of our values, then we can work to alter them.
Now, beliefs. This is a whole new ball game. Values are what we aim for. Like archery or shooting, we need to be able to know when we hit the target. We don’t just fire blanks and expect to be able to tell whether the target was hit, right? That wouldn’t make any sense. No, we fire rounds instead. These leave a mark on the target to tell us whether we hit or missed. Not mark, we missed. Simple right? Well, it’s the same with our belief systems. We decide whether we hit or missed our values by a set of beliefs, or “rules”.
Get this: If I ask “What is most important in my life?” My response? Feeling loved. So; then I can go on to ask: “What does it take for me to feel loved? What has to happen for me to feel that way?” Well, now I’ve got things like; getting attention, being listened to, being held, and being wanted.
Now, in order to achieve ANY state you want to get into, you need to be able to hit those beliefs consistently. Using that same target analogy, we can make the target bigger, or smaller, depending on our beliefs. If I say…shot at a target the size of a dime with a handgun from 100 yards, do you think I’d hit it? Chances are, no. I might get VERY lucky from time to time, but 99.99% of the time, I’ll miss. But, without decreasing the distance, let’s say I made that target the size of a house. How about now? Well, chances are I’ll hit the dang thing! It’s only going to be something like 30’ in diameter (only). So; we can change our beliefs to allow us to reach a state more easily, or make it that much harder.
These beliefs also define our expectations of others, how we expect others to treat us and how we view them based upon how they treat us. Make sense? Take, for example, respect. My family, you got up and left the room if someone was being disrespectful for whatever reason. You never raised your voice for anything. EVER. No matter how mad you might be, you maintained control of your voice. But, if it ever came to a point where you were being yelled at for whatever reason, you got up and left. Staying put simply showed that you had no respect for yourself and thus, ALLOWED others to basically walk over you. So, as LONG as I maintain a more…calm demeanor, I generally expect people to stay put. I’ve shouted a few times and people just upped and left. Of course, if someone decides to raise their voice towards me, I also leave (generally).
So, let’s take a thorough look here. What are our core beliefs? As an example: “Is”, “Am” and “Are” statements such as; “Life is” or “People are” or “I am.” Well, here’s a problem. “I am not that smart anyway.” Well, if we believe that’s true, then we’re right. We really aren’t that smart. But bear in mind, if we believed just the opposite: “I am really quite brilliant.” Then we’re also right. We don’t have to have a high IQ to be smart. To quote Warren Buffet: “If you have more than 120 or 130 I.Q. points, you can afford to give the rest away.” Hell, I’d go so far to say that our IQ scores don’t matter if we can’t apply ourselves properly. Someone with an IQ of 50 is just as well off as someone with an IQ of 250 if neither person can manage themselves.
Now, what would happen if we had a belief that states “All foxes are sluts?” (Thank you...fandom...*Mutters*) So, let’s say we go somewhere with our vulpine friend, say…oh, a club (because that sounds like fun ^-^). Well, we’re not really going to notice much if they disappear from the table while we’re on the dance floor, we’d be too caught up in our own thing. But say it comes time to leave and our little foxy friend is missing…what’s the first question we’re going to ask? (And yes this has happened to me at LEAST once…) Well, it’s probably going to be along the lines of “Who’s he/she off sleeping with THIS TIME?!” See, our core beliefs determine which question we’re even willing to ask and which questions we ask habitually.
Now there’s something we can all do today that can change our lives for the better, and that is take these core beliefs that are holding us back, and get rid of them. Think about this: “I’m too young.” Or “I’m too old” or “I’m not smart enough” or even, “I don’t have the education.” Those kinds of beliefs literally shut down your ability to do something. As tony pointed out here… What happens if someone has the core belief of “Look before you leap” but ALSO believes “He who hesitates is lost.” Well, now you have a problem. Now, this is something mantras and affirmations change (when they work, anyway). I’m going to say this…
So, recap. Our values are what we strive to gain, and what we strive to avoid. Our beliefs (or rules) are what decide whether we have reached those values or not, and our core beliefs are what DEFINE us.
Remember: Our reality is based upon nothing more than our perception of life. No matter what anyone else may say about us.
1: Ask yourself this question: “What is most important to me in my life?” Make SURE we list END values, not means. No objects or quantifiable things. We’re looking for a set of intangibles, so to speak.
2: Rewrite that list in order of importance.
1.Love
2.Freedom
3.Growth
4.Outrageousness
5.Health
6.Security
7.Comfort
8.Affection
9.Compassion
10.Contribution
11.Humor
12.Creativity
13.Intelligence
14.Fairness
15.Passion
16.Reliability
17.Confidence
18.Tolerance
19.Power
3: Make a list of all the negative feelings we would do almost anything to avoid.
4: Rewrite the list of negatives in order of importance.
1.Depression
2.Anger
3.Resentment
4.Defeat
5.Jealousy
6.Inferior
7.Self-pity
8.Stress
9.Sadness
10.Anxiety
11.Annoyance
12.Frustration
13.Boredom
14.Desperate
15.Lonely
16.Manipulated
17.Poor
18.Resigned
19.Unforgiving
20.Shame
21.Judgemental
5: For EACH of these, write down what has to happen for you to feel this way?
Oh...kay...I'll maybe post this at a later date...this is going to take a while to finish....
6: Are there any rules that limit the quality of your life? Which of these are you willing to change in order to improve your life?
Rules? No...well maybe, but values, yes... Security and freedom, though a few places apart, are both very high on my list...Makes it difficult to manage. I'm sure I'll have more to add later!
“Life is not a destination. Life is a process that needs to be enjoyed on an ongoing basis.”
