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Personal Journal - Day 24: Successful relationships
10 years ago
I'm probably not the best individual to talk about this. I personally don't consider myself relationship material, but that's up for debate. Nah, my experience is very limited, but seeing as how this was today's topic and one that I actually have studied in depth outside of this little program, this one has a LOT of additions to it.
Successful Relationships: Obtaining and maintaining
Now, this doesn’t work for everyone, keep in mind. The biggest challenge that people have is that they want a relationship to be the solution to their problems. A relationship should be approached as something you give something to, instead of something you go to, to take something out. (Remember, the power of giving?)
When it comes to relationships…IMPROVEMENT is a huge thing. Why? The second we stop improving our relationships is when they get dull and fall apart.
So two factors that cause them to die… Those who have had or have a relationship…remember your first meeting? A Friend of mine keeps referring to this as a sort of “New car smell” or in my case, I believe he called it “New fox smell” (which, honestly…I’m not sure if that’s something that I’d be drawn to but hey, not my nose~). Remember that drive? That initial draw? Remember how it was the second you were a thing? But…for some of us now, maybe that same drive isn’t there. Maybe our relationships have already fallen apart. Maybe, some of us have noticed a change and we simply do not like where we see it heading.
First of all, the law of familiarity. It simply states that if we are around anything enough, we start to take it just a little bit for granted…remember this? Unfortunately, this applies to EVERYTHING.
Second: Anchoring. Remember this? We are always anchoring, not matter what. If something unique happens while we are in a strong enough state, that same something will cause us to go back INTO that state. Sometimes we anchor to what we don’t want to. Those who have been around me know I disappear on my OWN when I’m not up to par or otherwise just pretty abysmal. This is EXACTLY why I do so.
So, if we get caught in a pattern…I think we know what we should be doing at this point. Interrupt them. This goes for patterns that make things boring as well as patterns that can be destructive. Arguments are a big one. Doesn’t really matter how much one may love the other, there is BOUND to be a disagreement. Another big one are those boring routines. If we interact the same way every time, things get boring and rather…dull. That is one of the FASTEST ways to drive a relationship out the door.
Going back to belief systems: Remember how I said we all operate with different rules? Well, these rules apply to relationships as well. What do we want out of a relationship and what has to happen for us to feel that way? If we can’t follow at least some of those rules, then a relationship is out of the question (at least until those rules, or beliefs, are changed).
Those LOOKING for relationships…consider this: Triggers. Know that everyone operates by a slightly different set of rules. In order for someone to feel loved, maybe they need to hear it from you. Maybe they need to see it. Maybe they even need to physically feel it. Generally, it’ll be a mixture of all three. Now, most people aren’t even aware of what their own “love strategy,” so to speak, is!
So, here’s an exercise: Ask yourself, what does it take for you to feel loved? What needs to happen? (This was probably addressed in the values and beliefs and if so, good. If not, now would be a good time to figure this out.) Me? I’m sort of a mixed up mess. I am very visual, so to speak, but that doesn’t mean materialistic. I appreciate the thought of gifts, but I personally like effort and time. The phrase “I love you” is thrown around too much for my liking. Gifts are materialistic and I have assigned very little value in money itself. TIME, however, is something I see as a very precious commodity. If someone goes out of their way to take the time to do something on my behalf, even if it’s just to talk or hang out, that’s kind of a big deal for me.
So I’ll go under the assumption that we know what we require now. How do you figure out what someone else needs? Simple. Ask. I don’t mean asking “what do you like?” Because…well, if anyone asked me that I’d give a hell of a list and they’d never figure it out without first stumbling all over themselves. I mean ask something along the lines of “Can you remember a time when you felt most loved?” Then decide…what seemed to be the trigger? Was it something that was auditory, kinesthetic, or visual? Now, here’s the trouble when dealing with others…A lot of the time, they’ll dance around the topics, so our job would be to figure out exactly what causes what through observation and communication. It never hurts to ask, so do so. Maybe phrase it in such a way that puts an importance on one or the other. Maybe: “In order for you to experience these same feelings, is it absolutely necessary I show/tell/touch you in a certain way?”
Communication. I swear, so many relationships seem to drop off because this is lacking. If there’s a problem, TALK. But you also have to know WHEN to talk. Remember, time and place for everything. Talking too early could be a VERY bad thing. Talking too late could mean they’ve forgotten. If there’s something they do that bothers you, take five, then come back to it with a clear head. If you’ve bothered them and you know it, let them calm a bit before addressing it, or everything will be blown out of proportion.
Never threaten the relationship…in other words, pay attention to where your focus lies. The quickest way to end a relationship is to make that fear real. That means, to focus on “what happens if it doesn’t work out?” And all of a sudden, there’s all that pain and then suddenly, (in day 22) there’s that approach avoidance and we’ll do everything we can to halt progress. Instead, one should focus on the NOW. Don’t live in the past; those are learning experiences. Don’t live in the future; you can’t know what will happen.
And finally: Be honest with yourself. If we try to be something we’re not, we’ll eventually get burnt out. "A high pressure system can only sustain for so long." Trying to kid ourselves or drive ourselves to something that we simply are not will not work. Sure, changes can be made in interests and even attractions. The problem comes when we ignore what WE want in favor of something others want FOR us.
So recap…Improve, give, and most importantly; pay attention. “Nothing of value in life can be created without absolute commitment. “
Exercise: Have fun…identify exactly what you want in a relationship. Who is this person? Mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, intellectually, physically, etc… Now, these CAN change, and they WILL change. Also; identify what you DON’T want.
Then, identify what you want the relationship to be about and what you don’t want it to be about.
Lastly, make a list of things you can do, create, say, or experience together that will create positive states you can attach to the other to enhance the quality of the relationship.
Successful Relationships: Obtaining and maintaining
Now, this doesn’t work for everyone, keep in mind. The biggest challenge that people have is that they want a relationship to be the solution to their problems. A relationship should be approached as something you give something to, instead of something you go to, to take something out. (Remember, the power of giving?)
When it comes to relationships…IMPROVEMENT is a huge thing. Why? The second we stop improving our relationships is when they get dull and fall apart.
So two factors that cause them to die… Those who have had or have a relationship…remember your first meeting? A Friend of mine keeps referring to this as a sort of “New car smell” or in my case, I believe he called it “New fox smell” (which, honestly…I’m not sure if that’s something that I’d be drawn to but hey, not my nose~). Remember that drive? That initial draw? Remember how it was the second you were a thing? But…for some of us now, maybe that same drive isn’t there. Maybe our relationships have already fallen apart. Maybe, some of us have noticed a change and we simply do not like where we see it heading.
First of all, the law of familiarity. It simply states that if we are around anything enough, we start to take it just a little bit for granted…remember this? Unfortunately, this applies to EVERYTHING.
Second: Anchoring. Remember this? We are always anchoring, not matter what. If something unique happens while we are in a strong enough state, that same something will cause us to go back INTO that state. Sometimes we anchor to what we don’t want to. Those who have been around me know I disappear on my OWN when I’m not up to par or otherwise just pretty abysmal. This is EXACTLY why I do so.
So, if we get caught in a pattern…I think we know what we should be doing at this point. Interrupt them. This goes for patterns that make things boring as well as patterns that can be destructive. Arguments are a big one. Doesn’t really matter how much one may love the other, there is BOUND to be a disagreement. Another big one are those boring routines. If we interact the same way every time, things get boring and rather…dull. That is one of the FASTEST ways to drive a relationship out the door.
Going back to belief systems: Remember how I said we all operate with different rules? Well, these rules apply to relationships as well. What do we want out of a relationship and what has to happen for us to feel that way? If we can’t follow at least some of those rules, then a relationship is out of the question (at least until those rules, or beliefs, are changed).
Those LOOKING for relationships…consider this: Triggers. Know that everyone operates by a slightly different set of rules. In order for someone to feel loved, maybe they need to hear it from you. Maybe they need to see it. Maybe they even need to physically feel it. Generally, it’ll be a mixture of all three. Now, most people aren’t even aware of what their own “love strategy,” so to speak, is!
So, here’s an exercise: Ask yourself, what does it take for you to feel loved? What needs to happen? (This was probably addressed in the values and beliefs and if so, good. If not, now would be a good time to figure this out.) Me? I’m sort of a mixed up mess. I am very visual, so to speak, but that doesn’t mean materialistic. I appreciate the thought of gifts, but I personally like effort and time. The phrase “I love you” is thrown around too much for my liking. Gifts are materialistic and I have assigned very little value in money itself. TIME, however, is something I see as a very precious commodity. If someone goes out of their way to take the time to do something on my behalf, even if it’s just to talk or hang out, that’s kind of a big deal for me.
So I’ll go under the assumption that we know what we require now. How do you figure out what someone else needs? Simple. Ask. I don’t mean asking “what do you like?” Because…well, if anyone asked me that I’d give a hell of a list and they’d never figure it out without first stumbling all over themselves. I mean ask something along the lines of “Can you remember a time when you felt most loved?” Then decide…what seemed to be the trigger? Was it something that was auditory, kinesthetic, or visual? Now, here’s the trouble when dealing with others…A lot of the time, they’ll dance around the topics, so our job would be to figure out exactly what causes what through observation and communication. It never hurts to ask, so do so. Maybe phrase it in such a way that puts an importance on one or the other. Maybe: “In order for you to experience these same feelings, is it absolutely necessary I show/tell/touch you in a certain way?”
Communication. I swear, so many relationships seem to drop off because this is lacking. If there’s a problem, TALK. But you also have to know WHEN to talk. Remember, time and place for everything. Talking too early could be a VERY bad thing. Talking too late could mean they’ve forgotten. If there’s something they do that bothers you, take five, then come back to it with a clear head. If you’ve bothered them and you know it, let them calm a bit before addressing it, or everything will be blown out of proportion.
Never threaten the relationship…in other words, pay attention to where your focus lies. The quickest way to end a relationship is to make that fear real. That means, to focus on “what happens if it doesn’t work out?” And all of a sudden, there’s all that pain and then suddenly, (in day 22) there’s that approach avoidance and we’ll do everything we can to halt progress. Instead, one should focus on the NOW. Don’t live in the past; those are learning experiences. Don’t live in the future; you can’t know what will happen.
And finally: Be honest with yourself. If we try to be something we’re not, we’ll eventually get burnt out. "A high pressure system can only sustain for so long." Trying to kid ourselves or drive ourselves to something that we simply are not will not work. Sure, changes can be made in interests and even attractions. The problem comes when we ignore what WE want in favor of something others want FOR us.
So recap…Improve, give, and most importantly; pay attention. “Nothing of value in life can be created without absolute commitment. “
Exercise: Have fun…identify exactly what you want in a relationship. Who is this person? Mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually, intellectually, physically, etc… Now, these CAN change, and they WILL change. Also; identify what you DON’T want.
Then, identify what you want the relationship to be about and what you don’t want it to be about.
Lastly, make a list of things you can do, create, say, or experience together that will create positive states you can attach to the other to enhance the quality of the relationship.
