You know. There was a time when I looked down on people for making super depressing journals all the time, and now I feel like that's basically all I ever do just looking over at my recent journal history. It's like a clown show of terrible crap and I have to wonder to myself why I even bother to post it. I know I receive encouraging comments, but it feels like I put an emotional burden on people to try and reassure my own well-being, when it really isn't there responsibility. We don't know each other in real life, and I will probably never physically meet any of you.

Still, there is something to be said for the catharsis of venting your frustrations and aches, which I guess is what it really is for me. Just an outlet to help myself clear my head and maybe remind myself that people do care about me to some small degree. I'm rambling, but I just wanted to add this preface to let you know that this is one of those journals and you shouldn't feel obligated to read it. Please don't think I'm holding any of your emotionally hostage.

I'm going through a lot of hard times, physically, mentally and financially. Those of you that see me around streams tend to note I seem pretty hyper and friendly, joking a lot. In actually I've been very very depressed for a while now and I'm trying very hard to keep myself together. It has severely impacted my art ability, making it very hard for me to get art that is owed out to people in any sort of reasonable speed.

Yesterday, I was woken up very early to an angry phone call from my landlord. Without going into a needless amount of detail concerning the why, I was informed my rent was going up a significant amount. This is during the summer, which as a substitute teacher means I have practically no income now and have to budget tightly so it's a huge blow. Now, I'm being told not only is my rent going up, but I'm being evicted at the end of the summer and need to find a new place to live. That's a HUGE financial burden to toss on my shoulders and now I'm not really sure what I'm going to do.

This is all getting to be a bit much for me to handle, and I'm scrambling to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do.

So when you see me online, maybe just give me a break. I'm trying my best to do right by commissioners, and I'm trying really hard not to be a depressing piece of shit in people's chats, but when a streamer decides to rag on me for being lame or too sad, or (and I swear to god this fucking happened yesterday) ranting for ten minutes about mentioning a new watcher because that's not a big deal at all and I shouldn't be excited or anything of the like (since you know, I totally have thousands of watchers pining over my every upload) it really hurts.

Just try to be patient with me, guys. I'm really sorry about how unreliable I'm being.