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Jurassic World of Shit
10 years ago
The moment it showed Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard as the stars, I knew it was in danger of sucking. And it did. It was so, so bad. It was way worse than parts 2 and 3. It was like watching a SyFy Channel Original Movie, with a big budget and none of he possible enjoyment of the "so bad it's good" variety, this shit movie is just plain bad. In fact, this is the whole movie in dialogue, and please read all of it in deadpan tone:
Zach & Grey- Hi, we're the kids for this movie and we will try to be the worst ones yet.
Claire- Hi, I'm Bryce Dallas Howard, the world's worst aunt, my job is my life and nothing else matters, so I'll spend the whole movie pawning off my nephews for others to take care of. I also fill the "hot scientist" role that is in every movie ever that has science in it.
Zara- Hi, I'm the cute assistant to Bryce Dallas Howard, and I'm going to get married soon. I just wish I could do my actual job rather than be forced to be the babysitter for these obnoxious little twits who keep sneaking off because my boss can't be bothered to take responsibility for the nephews that were placed under her care.
Dr. Wu- Hi, I'm BD Wong from Law & Order: SVU. You may almost remember me as the kindly scientist who appeared for two minutes in the original movie. Now I'm evil. Because.
Lowery & Vivian- Hi, we're completely irrelevant to the movie.
Masrani- Hi, I'm the park's new owner and that's about it.
Barry- Hi, I'm the token black guy that's not too token.
Owen- Well, I am Chris Pratt, making my entrance late to be cool.
Audience- Who are you again?
Owen- ... the unfunny fat guy from Parks & Recreation who lost weight and got buff to be the unfunny buff guy in the massively overrated Guardians of the Galaxy.
Audience- ... who?
Owen- ... I voiced the main character in The Lego Movie.
Audience- Oh, that guy.
Grey- What a cool park.
Zach- I don't care, I'm gawking at all the pretty girls even though I have a girlfriend, further working to be the absolute worst kid in this franchise cause I'm gross on top of annoying.
Claire- We need more money, let's create a genetically superior dinosaur. I hope it won't escape... oh, it escaped.
Owen- Well, the raptors are my buddies.
Hoskins- I'm Vincent D'Onofrio, I'm the obvious bad guy and I want to utilize the raptors as weapons.
Owen- Gasp. You're so bad.
Claire- We need your help, Chris Pratt.
Owen- Only if we force a love story that makes no sense at all.
Claire- Okay.
Zach- Let's go all by ourselves in this ball thingy to check out this park full of dangerous wild dinosaurs. Trust me, I'm a teenager and I know best. Plus putting us in danger like this now cements me as the worst kid in this franchise.
Zara- My boss is still refusing to take responsibility of her nephews and sends me out to look for them, putting me in the way of mortal danger. And the franchise has not had a woman die yet, so that on top of me getting married soon means I will not only die, but also have the nastiest death in the franchise and one of the clearest ever examples of overkill in any movie.
Zach & Grey- Oh no, our aunt refusing to keep an eye on us combined with our sheer lack of responsibility and common sense just got our aunt's assistant killed in the franchise's most excruciating death. But we're kids so we don't really care. And now we have gone beyond the scope of worst kids in a franchise and stand as some of the worst kid characters in film history.
Owen- There is chaos all over, flying dinosaurs swooping down to carry people to their deaths, and there are dead bodies all around us. Let's be inappropriate and make out.
Claire- Okay.
Hoskins- We'll use the raptors to hunt down the bad dinosaur.
Raptors- Hi, we're supposed to kill you.
Indominus- Well, I'm part raptor. So go kill the humans instead, okay?
Raptors- Okay, got it.
Hoskins- Oh. Oh no, I'm being eaten by the raptors. Oh, the irony.
Claire- I'll let the T-Rex loose so it can fight the dinosaur created by human greed. Also, the T-Rex is huge and can run fast, but I can outrun it by wearing heels.
T-Rex- I must win, I'm the audience favorite.
Raptor- Well, I'm also an audience favorite, so let me help you even though it makes no sense for us to use teamwork.
Indominus- I'm not so easily defeated... oh, the swimming dinosaur got me.
Claire-The danger is over, now we can live happily ever after. Where's my assistant?
Zach- Who?
THE END
God, this movie was painful...
Zach & Grey- Hi, we're the kids for this movie and we will try to be the worst ones yet.
Claire- Hi, I'm Bryce Dallas Howard, the world's worst aunt, my job is my life and nothing else matters, so I'll spend the whole movie pawning off my nephews for others to take care of. I also fill the "hot scientist" role that is in every movie ever that has science in it.
Zara- Hi, I'm the cute assistant to Bryce Dallas Howard, and I'm going to get married soon. I just wish I could do my actual job rather than be forced to be the babysitter for these obnoxious little twits who keep sneaking off because my boss can't be bothered to take responsibility for the nephews that were placed under her care.
Dr. Wu- Hi, I'm BD Wong from Law & Order: SVU. You may almost remember me as the kindly scientist who appeared for two minutes in the original movie. Now I'm evil. Because.
Lowery & Vivian- Hi, we're completely irrelevant to the movie.
Masrani- Hi, I'm the park's new owner and that's about it.
Barry- Hi, I'm the token black guy that's not too token.
Owen- Well, I am Chris Pratt, making my entrance late to be cool.
Audience- Who are you again?
Owen- ... the unfunny fat guy from Parks & Recreation who lost weight and got buff to be the unfunny buff guy in the massively overrated Guardians of the Galaxy.
Audience- ... who?
Owen- ... I voiced the main character in The Lego Movie.
Audience- Oh, that guy.
Grey- What a cool park.
Zach- I don't care, I'm gawking at all the pretty girls even though I have a girlfriend, further working to be the absolute worst kid in this franchise cause I'm gross on top of annoying.
Claire- We need more money, let's create a genetically superior dinosaur. I hope it won't escape... oh, it escaped.
Owen- Well, the raptors are my buddies.
Hoskins- I'm Vincent D'Onofrio, I'm the obvious bad guy and I want to utilize the raptors as weapons.
Owen- Gasp. You're so bad.
Claire- We need your help, Chris Pratt.
Owen- Only if we force a love story that makes no sense at all.
Claire- Okay.
Zach- Let's go all by ourselves in this ball thingy to check out this park full of dangerous wild dinosaurs. Trust me, I'm a teenager and I know best. Plus putting us in danger like this now cements me as the worst kid in this franchise.
Zara- My boss is still refusing to take responsibility of her nephews and sends me out to look for them, putting me in the way of mortal danger. And the franchise has not had a woman die yet, so that on top of me getting married soon means I will not only die, but also have the nastiest death in the franchise and one of the clearest ever examples of overkill in any movie.
Zach & Grey- Oh no, our aunt refusing to keep an eye on us combined with our sheer lack of responsibility and common sense just got our aunt's assistant killed in the franchise's most excruciating death. But we're kids so we don't really care. And now we have gone beyond the scope of worst kids in a franchise and stand as some of the worst kid characters in film history.
Owen- There is chaos all over, flying dinosaurs swooping down to carry people to their deaths, and there are dead bodies all around us. Let's be inappropriate and make out.
Claire- Okay.
Hoskins- We'll use the raptors to hunt down the bad dinosaur.
Raptors- Hi, we're supposed to kill you.
Indominus- Well, I'm part raptor. So go kill the humans instead, okay?
Raptors- Okay, got it.
Hoskins- Oh. Oh no, I'm being eaten by the raptors. Oh, the irony.
Claire- I'll let the T-Rex loose so it can fight the dinosaur created by human greed. Also, the T-Rex is huge and can run fast, but I can outrun it by wearing heels.
T-Rex- I must win, I'm the audience favorite.
Raptor- Well, I'm also an audience favorite, so let me help you even though it makes no sense for us to use teamwork.
Indominus- I'm not so easily defeated... oh, the swimming dinosaur got me.
Claire-The danger is over, now we can live happily ever after. Where's my assistant?
Zach- Who?
THE END
God, this movie was painful...
God, I'm still speaking in deadpan. Fuck this movie. XD
Also, Chris Pratt has become one of my personal movie polluters, in that any film he's in ends up sucking in part because the actor is so fucking terrible and unlikable and obnoxious that unless the character ends up dying or disappearing from the movie early, I will just not enjoy it because it becomes stained by their presence. Others in that category include Jack Black, Sarah Silverman and Nathan Fillion.
The Nostalgia Critic already reviewed the movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6umfTLuCI8
Thanks for the link, though I stopped watching him long ago, personally.
On the other hand, if they made a pinball game based off the movie that gave you a higher score depending on how bloody the inside of that ball was by the time the dinosaurs got finished playing with it, I would buy that fucker.
But yeah, most people seem to be loving the movie because there's mayhem and because most of America seems to have an inexplicable boner for that turd Chris Pratt. But for me it just felt flat. There was none of the awe and wonder from the first movie, and you could tell because this movie was trying way too hard to be like the first movie, there are so many shout-outs to the original that you could make a drinking game out of it. The girl who plays the assistant is one of the few characters who have any remotely likable quality to them, and they went the way of the horror movie with her, her death is serious overkill and way too long and mean spirited, made worse by the fact that her death is entirely the fault of her boss and those kids, and after her death the movie and characters just forget they ever existed.
It's like I said, a SYFy channel movie, because it's so full of bad cliches and bad ideas. I was rolling my head and grunting in disgust at seeing the T-Rex and the final raptor actually work together as a team to take down the new dino, and after new dino is dead, those two actually ook at each other and you see them acknowledging each other before going their separate way. Fuck, I almost expected them to do a fist bump! Trust me, you are better off waiting for it to play on tv, when nothing else is on.
On the other hand, I hear that Inside Out is absolutely delightful, but that at the same time, it will break you.