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I often wonder how and when to say much
10 years ago
General
Social anxiety, for me, stems from what seems to be a completely subjective and vast variance in experiences with people.
With so many variables, quirks, pitfalls, and unpredictability, with so many unwritten rules of behavior, where does one even begin to approach such a complicated process?
Home-schooling had the advantage of teaching me the way I needed to learn.
It had the distinct (dis)advantage of minimizing social interaction.
I was not naturally given to socialization anyway, I had more interesting things to see and learn.
I have heard many horror stories about school days, and I know I hated every second of it when I was there 'till kindergarten, so maybe I dodged a bullet.
But you learn from pain that doesn't kill you, so maybe I missed a lesson or two that wasn't in the books.
I'd sit at my desk and cry most of the time, that's all I remember. That and sitting by the fence during recess, making escape plans in my head.
I told one of the kids there I was really Link - because he was a hero and would save the world, so I thought that was cool, I could do that.
Heroes were brave and strong, right?
I've always been a bit... emotionally fragile. I think I was 8 when I heard the tune 'It's a Small World' on a music box, and it made me cry.
It just seemed like a sad tune to me for some reason. Maybe it was the instrument. I didn't know the lyrics.
Maybe that was the early signs of emotional problems? Or an artistic bent. That's sort of a blurred line between those two anyway.
Still, there are so many questions there is no clear answer for.
Like for example: Is there a moment in casual conversation in which you effectively progress a casual acquaintance, to a good friend?
What is the procedure for this? How do you tell when you're there? Do you have to visit a number of times, or hang out, or have tea, to reach a certain point you can talk about more personal topics?
When you're not familiar with the other person, how do you tell how often is too often to be around them? Or contact them?
Is it weird to ask someone to do the same thing again next time you meet, like have tea again? Or go hiking?
Does that mean you're boring if you don't pick something new next time?
If someone says they'd like to hang out, but then don't contact you, how long do you wait? Would it be rude to contact them without waiting a day or two? Or are you supposed to pick something first? And then if you pick one venue, shouldn't you wait for them to pick the next? If they don't, does that mean they've changed their mind about you?
How many opportunities I must have missed because I wasn't sure who's turn it was to pick something to do?
When the conversation is light, and someone asks about something with not so light an answer, how do you respond?
"California was nice when I visited. What did you do while you were there?" "I lived on the streets."
Should I lie? Glaze it over? Maybe joke instead?
Divert attention away?
The only "guidance" I've ever gotten on what to talk about when, is the extremely vague shaking of the head, and dumb signalling to stop talking, from my parents.
So they taught me there are topics which are taboo at certain times with certain people, and then give me absolutely no information whatsoever on how to pick these out.
I feel like I missed a memo somewhere, or a vital pamphlet on how to interact with other people.
Add in 12 years of home-school, and I think I missed the bus completely. I just don't get it.
I think most people tend to notice I'm a bit awkward, so there's that at least.
But where the bloody hell do you learn how to be NOT awkward?
Rhetorical questions really, just venting a bit.
Though if there is an answer that doesn't start with 'it depends on...' I'm all ears.
Making things is a good distraction. I'll post my progress! And maybe sleep, eventually.
With so many variables, quirks, pitfalls, and unpredictability, with so many unwritten rules of behavior, where does one even begin to approach such a complicated process?
Home-schooling had the advantage of teaching me the way I needed to learn.
It had the distinct (dis)advantage of minimizing social interaction.
I was not naturally given to socialization anyway, I had more interesting things to see and learn.
I have heard many horror stories about school days, and I know I hated every second of it when I was there 'till kindergarten, so maybe I dodged a bullet.
But you learn from pain that doesn't kill you, so maybe I missed a lesson or two that wasn't in the books.
I'd sit at my desk and cry most of the time, that's all I remember. That and sitting by the fence during recess, making escape plans in my head.
I told one of the kids there I was really Link - because he was a hero and would save the world, so I thought that was cool, I could do that.
Heroes were brave and strong, right?
I've always been a bit... emotionally fragile. I think I was 8 when I heard the tune 'It's a Small World' on a music box, and it made me cry.
It just seemed like a sad tune to me for some reason. Maybe it was the instrument. I didn't know the lyrics.
Maybe that was the early signs of emotional problems? Or an artistic bent. That's sort of a blurred line between those two anyway.
Still, there are so many questions there is no clear answer for.
Like for example: Is there a moment in casual conversation in which you effectively progress a casual acquaintance, to a good friend?
What is the procedure for this? How do you tell when you're there? Do you have to visit a number of times, or hang out, or have tea, to reach a certain point you can talk about more personal topics?
When you're not familiar with the other person, how do you tell how often is too often to be around them? Or contact them?
Is it weird to ask someone to do the same thing again next time you meet, like have tea again? Or go hiking?
Does that mean you're boring if you don't pick something new next time?
If someone says they'd like to hang out, but then don't contact you, how long do you wait? Would it be rude to contact them without waiting a day or two? Or are you supposed to pick something first? And then if you pick one venue, shouldn't you wait for them to pick the next? If they don't, does that mean they've changed their mind about you?
How many opportunities I must have missed because I wasn't sure who's turn it was to pick something to do?
When the conversation is light, and someone asks about something with not so light an answer, how do you respond?
"California was nice when I visited. What did you do while you were there?" "I lived on the streets."
Should I lie? Glaze it over? Maybe joke instead?
Divert attention away?
The only "guidance" I've ever gotten on what to talk about when, is the extremely vague shaking of the head, and dumb signalling to stop talking, from my parents.
So they taught me there are topics which are taboo at certain times with certain people, and then give me absolutely no information whatsoever on how to pick these out.
I feel like I missed a memo somewhere, or a vital pamphlet on how to interact with other people.
Add in 12 years of home-school, and I think I missed the bus completely. I just don't get it.
I think most people tend to notice I'm a bit awkward, so there's that at least.
But where the bloody hell do you learn how to be NOT awkward?
Rhetorical questions really, just venting a bit.
Though if there is an answer that doesn't start with 'it depends on...' I'm all ears.
Making things is a good distraction. I'll post my progress! And maybe sleep, eventually.
All I can say is, that with practice, these things become intuitive. Personally, I've been helped a lot with my drive to understand the frameworks that reality, society and the mind are built on, extracting principles from them and universalizing them into practical knowledge.
Probly the thing that helped most with becoming very socially outgoing is working in a job where I have to interact pleasantly with customers all day every day (pretty much). Like I said, practice practice practice.
At the same time though, honesty is important too I think, and people can go screw themselves if your honest expression is too much for them.
...buuuut at the same time, there is not only honesty, but tactful delivery of it too, which takes a bit of social understanding to pull off.
I wore one once - all that disappeared.
It was strange, because normally, I'm walking around afraid people will see me and think I'm odd.
I walked around as a fox, and I KNEW people would see me and think I'm odd... and I didn't care anymore.
I suppose since it was going to happen anyway, that freed me up from trying at all times to avoid it.
But I feel like it's an attempt to avoid the work of developing those skills; ya can't wear a fursuit everywhere XD. Maybe it might be good as like training wheels, but it will have to come off at some point.
I mean, I wish it was just as simple as deciding that and going with it... but it's not, sadly.
This way at least, I can take a break from all the hiding, and practice not cowering in a corner, so one more step forward!