I think I've spent too many years smiling when I wanted to be crying or screaming.
Sort of like working in customer service. All the time. With no breaks.

I've muffled my laughter so as not to disturb others, I've kept my voice down so much I've forgotten what it really sounds like.
When I try to speak up, or add any volume to my voice, it comes out strained, it hurts my throat, and I realize for how many years I've choked it down so I wouldn't impose on anyone.

I've repressed a lot of emotion, and I've remained silent when I wanted to speak up.

How desperately I try to hide it when it all finally starts to catch up with me.

But that's what got me to the state I'm in, didn't it?
I'm not sure if I'm laughing, crying, or both.
I don't know what emotion it is I feel when this happens.
All I know is that I am afraid people will think I'm psychotic.

More fear.

Maybe strangers won't talk to me anymore, so it's not all bad.

I'm going to keep trying to let go, it's not easy to just stop hiding when it's become reflexive.
Laugh or cry, or whatever the hell happens when I stop repressing everything.

I've spent the majority life moving out of the way for other people.
That's not courtesy, it's shame.
It's not being polite, it's treating someone like they have no value or don't matter - me.

So... what have I got to lose?
Real friends like me for who I am.
Superficial ones need to get lost.
And the rest of the world that doesn't like the odd can just leave me alone, because that's the way I prefer it.
All the rest, well, we have something in common, and I'm going to try to stop hiding that.

Anyway, I don't think I would actually like anyone that was bothered by my feeble attempts to express myself sincerely.
I'm an introvert and I don't like talking to strangers or filling up my contact book with people I only make small talk with.
So maybe if I didn't repress everything me, I wouldn't have to waste so much time with people that make me feel bad about being the way I am.

If someone doesn't like me for who I am? GOOD!
They can avoid me. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like them either, so it saves me from having to do that myself.

My name is Spiffy. I like to consider myself a fox, figuratively.
I like dressing up as a silly dog to play silly games, and make people smile.

I'm going to do that at Anthrocon at the end of the month.

What comes after, we'll play by ear (that's part of why they're so big.)