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not coping well...
10 years ago
General
I know i'm not the most active and i'm sorry...I was in canada for three months and came home to chaos....
Among the chaos was the fact I was pregnant...but then stress or just fate being cruel took that child away...
That makes it the third time I've lost a child but the first time I lost one I would have had with my mate...
Since I found out in May about the miss carry in April I've been having a hard time processing everything with a clear mind.
It certainly did not help that things around me were so strange... A fried I had when going to canada had suddenly be treating me like I did something to offend them while at the same time read my messages and ignore me. And then I learned the reason why and was happy but that wasn't a long lasted joy since she was meant to marry someone else...
Things got complicate more and seemed no one was happy I was home which after I learned I had a miss carriage I needed a friend. Though my only friend was my mate back in canada... I got in a heated fight with my friend that had been ignoring me, I said something that yeah I meant to at the time but regretted very soon after... I didn't think shed talk again to me ever so I deleted her number and removed her from all but Facebook because I wanted her to have at least one source if she ran into trouble and needed help some where...
But recently I got a message from her on face book out of the blue with nothing to provoke it. The message said I was a horrible friend and that I abandoned her I very stupidly replied with my honest feelings cause I was having enough clear mind to do so... Then it started...
Sunday night I got a text from a umber I did not recognize and I opened it expecting it to be like a few others were it was the wrong number...The text said I was being punished for abusing my friend's trust and that my punishment was to never be able to start a family.
so many emotions were struck by that one text that I had to let my logic side take control and I deleted the message as soon as the tears started to rise. I then chose to forget it...well try to. Monday came and I hung out with a couple of friends and was hiding from them the pain I felt from a text I had gotten from a different number as a wake up note. I had woke monday morning to a note saying I rue lives and should just die so I can leave others in peace. I was surpressing my pain and angry so far as to make myself sick. Tuesday I had gotten another text from a phone number that had the area code for Denver (303) and the preview I read there was 'Stop breathing, you're worthless...' I was now regretting having the option to see previews from a text... But I also was grateful and like the others I deleted the message.
just about every day I've gotten something like that since the 26th when some one I knew wrote my suddenly. I was choosing not to burden my friends and to just ignore the hateful words so they couldn't get to me. After all I didn't reply to a single text just so I didn't feed the troll(s). But then a friend wrote me shortly after I got another text form the one number that I gotten a text from on Sunday. Some how they got dragged into it and all because I sent two pictures to the friend I fought with a month ago. The issue though, I didn't send any pictures to them let alone the pictures I was told I sent.
All I m trying to do is cope with a sensitive loss and not cause drama and stress for my friends...Why is this request not allowed? Why is someone wanting to stir up problems? And more importantly if I want to find a way to be friends later down the road why would I do anything to burn that bridge further?
This whole petty shit has me so pissed and the fact the text-ies are throwing a recent wound in my face only fuels my rage. I want to go and beat the two I suspect of seining these text and I mean beat with in an inch of life because of how mad I am. I know I can't do that though cause its not going to be worth it later in my life...if my depression doesn't win this time... Those hateful things have also tossed fuel to my server depression that's been having a grand time with my miss carriage for the last two months....
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